Besides Michelle Pfeiffer, this track features Brittany Snow, Nikki Blonsky, Amanda Bynes, Zac Efron, Hailey Podschun , and Council Members.
Miss Baltimore Crabs
Michelle Pfeiffer Lyrics
Jump to: Overall Meaning ↴ Line by Line Meaning ↴
Side step, front step, back, and turn
Oh my god, penny, there's Link, Link!
I can't believe I'm really here auditioning!
I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition!
Front step, cha-cha-cha, back step cha-cha-cha
Oh, amber, look at this motly crew!
Oh, this town has sure gone downhill since I was crowned miss
Oh, mother not more ancient history
Oh my God, how times have changed
These girl's either blind
Or completely deranged
But time seemed to halt
When I was, "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Amber, that move is far too dirty
Mother, wake up from that dream of yours, this isn't 1930
You can laugh, but life's a test
Don't do this, don't do that
Remember, mother knows best
For the crown's in the vault
From when I won "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
These steps are perfect ammunition
Let me show you how your mommy dear took out the competition
Girls, go get 'em
Boys, let's rumba
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven
Those poor runner-ups
Might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Ha, not a chance
Boys, put me down
Oh, good morning ladies
Let's see what you got
Twist, twist, twist, twist
Mashed potato, mambo
Ready? Begin
On my show you'll never find
A thrusting hip or bumping grind
What's that, a dance for fleas and ticks?
Oh you should have seen my bag of tricks
Oh, I hit the stage, batons ablaze
While belting Aida and preparing soufflés
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched, "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Proceed
Are you scared we're on live?
No, I'm sure I can cope
Well, this show isn't broadcast in
Cinemascope
I never drank one chocolate malt
No desserts for "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
This one will never get a date in those hand me down clothes
Ha, kid she'll never get a date 'til daddy buys her a new nose
I would say "Oy Gevalt"
If I wasn't "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Do you dance like you dress?
Amber, there's no need to be cruel
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
I sure would, I'm all for integration
It's the new frontier
Not in Baltimore it isn't
And may I be frank
First impressions can be tough
And when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough
Your last answer just blew it
And so, my dear, so short and stout
You'll never be in
So we're kicking you out
With your form and your face
Oh, but it isn't your fault
You're just down with a case of "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Eh, you may go
Um, thank you?
I think they secretly liked you
May I please audition?
Of course not
But you may bow and exalt
'Cause I am "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Crabs, crabs, crabs
The song "Miss Baltimore Crabs" from the Hairspray musical is sung by the character Velma Von Tussle, who is the producer of the Corny Collins Show and mother of the show's star dancer, Amber. The song is a reflection on Velma's glory days when she was crowned "Miss Baltimore Crabs" and a critique of the current contestants of the Miss Teenage Hairspray pageant.
The lyrics describe the dance steps that are being performed during the audition, as well as Velma's observations on the other contestants. She feels superior to them, believing that she is the only one who really knows how to win a pageant. She looks down on the other girls for being either "blind or completely deranged" and criticizes Amber for her "dirty" dance moves. However, Velma also acknowledges that times have changed since her crowning and she may not have what it takes to win again.
The song is a commentary on societal expectations and standards of beauty, as well as the nostalgia and resistance to change that can come with age. Velma's character embodies these themes through her obsession with preserving the status quo and her belief that she is the only one who can uphold it. The song also introduces the idea of the competition being rigged and manipulated, as Velma reveals that she "screwed the judges" in order to win.
Line by Line Meaning
Front step, cha-cha-cha, back step cha-cha-cha
Following the basic dance steps
Side step, front step, back, and turn
Adding some twists to the basic dance steps
Oh my god, penny, there's Link, Link!
Excited to see Link at the audition
I can't believe I'm really here auditioning!
Feeling lucky to get a chance to audition
I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition!
Feeling lucky to get a chance to be present at the audition
Oh, amber, look at this motly crew!
Not impressed by the other contestants
Oh, this town has sure gone downhill since I was crowned miss
Comparing the current situation to the past when she won the title
Oh, mother not more ancient history
Tired of listening to her mother's old stories
Oh my God, how times have changed
Reflecting on how things have changed
These girl's either blind
The current contestants are not up to the mark
Or completely deranged
The current contestants are crazy
But time seemed to halt
Feels like she is reliving the past
When I was, "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Reminiscing about her past success
Amber, that move is far too dirty
Advising Amber to improve her dance moves
Mother, wake up from that dream of yours, this isn't 1930
Telling her mother that things have changed
You can laugh, but life's a test
Reminding the contestants that the audition is a test
Don't do this, don't do that
Giving instructions to the contestants
Remember, mother knows best
Taking the mother's advice
For the crown's in the vault
The winner's trophy is preserved in the safe
From when I won "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Referring to her past victory
These steps are perfect ammunition
Feeling confident about her dance moves
Let me show you how your mommy dear took out the competition
Boasting about her past victory
Girls, go get 'em
Encouraging the female contestants
Boys, let's rumba
Encouraging the male contestants
Those poor runner-ups
Coffee-colored personalities of the contestants
Might still hold some grudges
Referring to the past when people might have held grudges
They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges
Accusing the runner-ups of cheating
Those broads thought they'd win
The runner-ups were overconfident
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Believing that the runner-ups weren't good enough
Ha, not a chance
They never stood a chance against her
Boys, put me down
Asking the boys to stop carrying her around
Oh, good morning ladies
Greeting the female contestants
Let's see what you got
Challenging the contestants
Twist, twist, twist, twist
Instructing the contestants to twist
Mashed potato, mambo
Instructing the contestants to dance mashed potato and mambo
Ready? Begin
Starting the audition
On my show you'll never find
Describing her show
A thrusting hip or bumping grind
Mentioning that there's no provocative dance move in her show
What's that, a dance for fleas and ticks?
Mocking a dance move
Oh you should have seen my bag of tricks
Boasting about her dance moves
Oh, I hit the stage, batons ablaze
Recollecting her performance with batons
While belting Aida and preparing soufflés
Mentioning her multi-tasking abilities
But that triple somersault
Referring to her best dance move
Is how I clinched, "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Attributing her victory to the triple somersault
Proceed
Continuing the audition
Are you scared we're on live?
Clarifying the situation to the contestants
No, I'm sure I can cope
Feeling confident
Well, this show isn't broadcast in Cinemascope
Clarifying that the show is not grandiose
I never drank one chocolate malt
Talking about her eating habits
No desserts for "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Refusing desserts because of her title
This one will never get a date in those hand me down clothes
Judging a contestant based on their dress
Ha, kid she'll never get a date 'til daddy buys her a new nose
Making a snide comment about a contestant's looks
I would say "Oy Gevalt"
Expressing shock
If I wasn't "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Reflecting on the privileges of being a title holder
Do you dance like you dress?
Comparing someone's dress to their dance moves
Amber, there's no need to be cruel
Advising Amber to be kind
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
Asking if Amber would swim in a desegregated pool
I sure would, I'm all for integration
Expressing support for integration
It's the new frontier
Describing integration as an unexplored territory
Not in Baltimore it isn't
Acknowledging the lack of progress in Baltimore
And may I be frank
Asking for permission to speak openly
First impressions can be tough
Implying that she formed an opinion quickly
And when I saw you, I knew it
Judging someone based on their appearance
If your size weren't enough
Commenting on someone's physical appearance
Your last answer just blew it
Disregarding someone's answer and the audition
And so, my dear, so short and stout
Insulting someone's height and body type
You'll never be in
Rejecting the contestant for the audition
So we're kicking you out
Explicitly stating the rejection
With your form and your face
Criticizing someone's appearance
Oh, but it isn't your fault
Pretending to be sorry
You're just down with a case of "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Blaming the title for the rejection
Eh, you may go
Permitting someone to leave
Um, thank you?
Being unsure of how to respond
I think they secretly liked you
Trying to be encouraging
May I please audition?
Asking for another chance
Of course not
Rejecting the request
But you may bow and exalt
Encouraging the contestant to leave gracefully
'Cause I am "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Using the title to establish superiority
Crabs, crabs, crabs
Singing the title repeatedly
Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group
Written by: Marc Shaiman, Scott Wittman, Scott Michael Wittman
Lyrics Licensed & Provided by LyricFind
@casbellion
Front step, cha-cha-cha.
Back step, cha-cha-cha.
Side step, front step,
Back, and turn.
Front step, cha-cha-cha.
Back step, cha-cha-cha.
Side step, front step,
Back, and t-
Oh, my God, how times have changed!
These girls must be blind or completely deranged.
But time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore
Crabs.
You can laugh, but life's a test.
Don't do this, don't do that! Remember- Mother knows best.
For the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore
Crabs.
Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges.
They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges.
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance.
Ha! Not a chance!
Oh, I hit the stage, batons ablaze!
While belting Aida and preparing souffles!
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore
Crabs!
No desserts for Miss Baltimore
Crabs.
If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs.
First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it.
If your size weren't enough, your last answer just blew it.
And so, my dear, so short and stout,
You'll never be in, so we're kicking you out!
With your form and your face, oh, but it isn't your fault.
You're just down with a case of Miss
Baltimore Crabs!
'Cause I am Miss Baltimore
Crabs!
Crabs, crabs, crabs!
@MsNightcorelover
When she said 'Mother knows best' I thought she was Gothel from Tangled XD
@ambeevla4503
Haha , me to 😂😂😂
@yvonnes3372
Omg me too
@iyanuoriakhi4794
ikkkkrrrr lol
@jakobinnes2420
+Inky .Flame me too!
@manuelorozco7760
Never thought about it until now. Besides, It's been 8 years since I last saw this movie. Hairspray and Tangled are equally good movies about girl power.
@lailahbezan4833
I love how Penny is just vibin in the background as everyone is being insulted
@amylee8969
Shes a bit ditsy and naive.
Hence her last line: "I think they secretly liked you."
@aestheticswithella3486
I love penny sm she’s just so truthful like she will not hold back when she has a opiniom
@lucifersdaughter3725
she shouldve auditioned, shed be too clueless to realize theyre insulting her