Audiobook
Neil Hilborn Lyrics

i! Thank you for purchasing the audiobook of "How to Ruin Your Life, for Fun and Profit",
Introduction to the audiobook on how to ruin your life for fun and profit, read by the author Neil Hilborn.

So, you wanna be unhappy?
Questioning the listener's desire to be unhappy.

You probably think that you need to be in pain to be an interesting person - and you're right!
Confirming the belief that pain makes someone interesting.

People who "care" about you will tell you that you don't need to suffer to be important,
Rejecting the advice given by people who "care" about the listener.

But just remember, musicians are always most popular the day after they die!
Using the example of musicians to emphasize the point of how pain and suffering make someone more interesting.

So, are you ready to matter to someone?
Asking the listener if they are ready to matter to someone.

Step One
Introducing Step One.

Hate yourself.
The first step is to hate oneself.

You are, presumably, a human being between the ages of alive and dead,
Giving a vague description of the listener's life stage.

So the chances are you're already there!
Implying that the listener might already hate themselves.

Congratulations!
Ironically congratulating the listener for hating themselves.

Step Two
Introducing Step Two.

Fall in love.
The second step is to fall in love.

People will tell you that this takes years,
Rejecting the common idea that falling in love takes time.

But we have a secret method that will allow you to fall for anyone in under a week:
Introducing a secret method for falling in love quickly.

The trick is, you must be completely unable to tell the difference between love and codependence!
Explaining the trick to quickly fall in love is to not be able to differentiate love from codependence.

Step Three
Introducing Step Three.

Fall in love again.
The third step is to fall in love again.

People will tell you that this is impossible, given the love already inside you,
Rejecting the idea that it is impossible to fall in love again with love already inside.

But they don't know you -
The people who tell the listener it's impossible do not know the listener.

Your love is limitless,
Reinforcing the idea that the listener's love is limitless.

Your heart is a well that goes all the way down,
Describing the listener's heart as a never-ending well.

You can fit everyone in there!
The listener can fit everyone they love in their heart.

But remember to lie about it!
The listener should lie about having so much love.

Love can't exist in the knowledge of other love.
Love cannot exist when other people are aware of it.

Step Four
Introducing Step Four.

At this point you may be debating your decision to totally fuck up your life,
Acknowledging the possibility of the listener reconsidering their decision to ruin their life.

So ask yourself:
Encouraging the listener to reflect on their choice.

Would you rather be happy or interesting?
Asking if the listener would prefer to be happy or interesting.

Would you rather be on the news, or just watching it?
Asking if the listener would rather be making the news or watching it.

Happy people don't make history,
Suggesting that happy people do not make history.

Happy people make children, then die.
Ironically stating that happy people only make children before they die.

Step Five
Introducing Step Five.

Develop a mental disorder that makes you aloof and impossible to contact.
Encouraging the listener to develop a mental disorder that makes them distant and hard to contact.

When Someone accuses you of being a bad person,
When someone calls the listener a bad person,

Call them insensitive!
Encouraging the listener to call the accuser insensitive to gain moral superiority.

Instant moral superiority!
Stating that calling someone insensitive will lead to instant moral superiority.

Step Six
Introducing Step Six.

All of the elements are in place,
Assuming that the listener followed the previous steps and is now ready for this step.

Now, start sabotaging your own life.
Encouraging the listener to start ruining their own life.

This isn't crazy, this is research,
Justifying the action of sabotaging one's own life as research.

This is material,
Stating that sabotaging one's own life is material for creating something.

This is necessary for your personal growth.
Arguing that sabotaging one's own life is necessary for personal growth.

Step Seven
Introducing Step Seven.

You've been in love with two people for a while now,
Assuming that the listener is in love with two people.

Tell them about each other!
Encouraging the listener to tell both people they are in love with each other.

Whichever one stays is the winner!
Stating whoever stays is the winner.

Step Eight
Introducing Step Eight.

Call your boss a fascist dog lover.
Encouraging the listener to call their boss a dog loving fascist.

Tell your friends fun lies about your other friends.
Encouraging the listener to spread fun lies about their friends behind their back.

Tell your mother that she was the reason you tried to kill yourself,
Encouraging the listener to falsely blame their mother for their suicidal attempt.

It just isn't depression without total isolation!
Stating that depression cannot exist without completely isolating oneself.

Step Nine
Introducing Step Nine.

Do something to hurt yourself.
Encouraging the listener to hurt themselves.

It may be a bicycle "accident",
Giving an example of how to hurt oneself.

It may be a razor -
Another example of how to self-harm.

Literal or not, make yourself bleed,
Encouraging the listener to make themselves bleed.

Step Ten
Introducing Step Ten.

Create something.
Encouraging the listener to create something out of the pain and suffering they have gone through.

Paint your scars on the side of a building.
A creative way to showcase one's scars.

Write a poem and shout it at strangers.
Encouraging the listener to express themselves creatively to strangers.

The misery circus is parading into town and you are holding the banner,
Describing the creative act as a parade of misery with the listener as the leader.

Miles of people are following you,
Assuming that many people are following the listener's creative act.

They are all wearing grey,
The people following the listener are described as wearing grey, suggesting sadness.

A rainbow of grey,
Describing the people's sadness as a rainbow of grey.

They are all watching as they kick themselves bloody on their own feet.
Describing how people hurt themselves in their misery as they watch the listener's parade.

You have scars,
Assuming that the listener has scars from hurting themselves.

And everyone wants to kiss them,
Suggesting that other people are intrigued by the listener's scars.

This is stigmata pornography,
Describing their scars as a form of pornography.

This is inspiration.
Describing their creative act as inspirational.

You are why they are still alive,
Suggesting the listener's act of self-harm is why others are still alive and motivated.

You are morning in a world of midnights,
Describing the listener as the light in dark world.

You are so brave,
Calling the listener brave for what they have gone through.

And they want to be brave just like you!
Suggesting that others want to be like the listener.

Look at what you have built.
Reminding the listener to look at what they have created.

Everything you loved has gone.
Acknowledging that everything the listener loved is now gone or destroyed.

Tell yourself it was worth it.
Encouraging the listener to justify their actions and tell themselves it was worth it.