"Hailing from up-state New York, this was Chicago-based Nice Peter's U.K. debut, kicking off a tour extending from darkest Barrow to deepest Devon. He specializes in a uniquely infectious brand of intelligent yet refreshingly scatological comic observation, accompanying himself with some proficient guitar-work that takes in a range of blues-rock styles. Be clear - Nice Peter is a skilled musician and lyricist first and-foremost - this is no stand-up comic hawking round a battered acoustic for laffs. The delivery is first-class, the content consistently forthright and devastatingly hilarious. Subject matter ranges from Peter's clearly autobiographical experiences as a (tru) Chicago gangster and LA porn star, to the tribulations of getting laid under a totalitarian fundamentalist government. Nice Peter's set was exhilaratingly funny and enthusiastically received - my personal highlight being perhaps the funniest opening line to any song ever - the simply peerless "I shaved my balls today..." And the good news is, Nice Peter is planning a return tour, provided enough folks buy a CD or two first."
The latest album 'Songs For People' is now available from iTunes.
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Lincoln Vs Norris
Nice Peter Lyrics
Jump to: Overall Meaning ↴ Line by Line Meaning ↴
Four score and 65 years in the past
I won the Civil War with my beard
Now I'm here to whup your ass
I've read up on your facts
You cure cancer with your tears?
Well, tell me Chuck how come you never sat down and cried on your career?
You're a washed up has been on TV selling Total Gyms
Like you lost Return of the Dragon
I'll rip your chest hairs out
Put em' in my mouth
I'll squash you like I squashed the South
I never told a lie
And I won't start now
You're a horse with a limp
I'll put you down
This isn't Gettysburg, punk
I'd suggest retreating
For I invented rap music
When my heart started beating
Chuck Norris doesn't battle
He just allow you to lose
My raps will blow your mind like a verbal John Wilkes Booth
I've got my face on the side of a mountain
You voted for John McCain
I've got a bucket full of my head and I'm about to make it rain
You block bullets with your beard?
I catch em' with my skull
I'd make fun of Walker, Texas Ranger but I've never ever seen that show
I am Chuck Fucking Norris!
I've spread more blood and gore
Than forty score of your puny Civil Wars, bitch
I split the Union with a roundhouse kick
I wear a black belt on the beard that I grow on my dick
I attack sharks when I smell them bleed
I don't go swimming
Water just wants to be around me
My fists make the speed of light wish that it was faster
You may have freed the slaves
But Chuck is everyone's master
In Nice Peter's rap battle, "Lincoln vs Norris," the 16th president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, squares off against the martial artist and pop culture legend, Chuck Norris. Lincoln starts off by mocking Norris's reputation for being able to cure cancer with his tears before questioning why he never cried on his dying career. He also throws in some jabs at Norris's TV infomercials and his failed acting career, stating that Norris will lose this battle, just like he lost Return of the Dragon.
Despite Lincoln's insults, Norris refuses to back down, declaring that he is Chuck Fucking Norris and spreading more blood and gore than forty score of Civil Wars. He boasts of splitting the Union with a roundhouse kick and displays his martial arts prowess by attacking sharks when he smells their blood. He also claims to wear a black belt on the beard that he grows on his dick and declares himself as everyone's master.
Lincoln comes back with fiery rebuttals, stating that this isn't Gettysburg and he'd suggest that Norris retreats before he experiences the same defeat as the Confederacy. He boasts of inventing rap music when his heart started beating and declares that his raps will blow Norris's mind like a verbal John Wilkes Booth. Lincoln also taunts Norris's political views by stating that he voted for John McCain while Lincoln's face is on the side of a mountain.
Overall, the rap battle between Lincoln and Norris is a humorous and imaginative concept that pits two historical and pop culture icons against each other in a lyrical showdown.
Line by Line Meaning
Four score and 65 years in the past
I'm Abraham Lincoln and it's been 65 years since my death.
I won the Civil War with my beard
I believe that my leadership helped the Union win the American Civil War.
Now I'm here to whup your ass
I am challenging Chuck Norris to a rap battle and I will win.
I've read up on your facts
I've researched facts about you, Chuck Norris.
You cure cancer with your tears?
There's a myth about you that says you cure illnesses by crying.
Well, tell me Chuck how come you never sat down and cried on your career?
If you have the power to cure cancer with your tears, why haven't you used it to make your career better?
You're a washed up has-been on TV selling Total Gyms
You used to be famous, but now you just sell exercise equipment on TV.
And you're gonna lose this battle
I am confident that I will win this rap battle against you.
Like you lost Return of the Dragon
Just like how you lost in the movie Return of the Dragon, you'll lose this battle too.
I'll rip your chest hairs out
I'll physically attack you and pull out your chest hair.
Put em' in my mouth
I'll do something disgusting and put your chest hair in my mouth.
I'll squash you like I squashed the South
I'll defeat you just like how the Union defeated the Confederate States of America during the Civil War.
I never told a lie
I am known for my honesty and I have never told a lie.
And I won't start now
I will continue to be truthful and honest in this rap battle.
You're a horse with a limp
You're not very strong or powerful.
I'll put you down
I'll defeat you in this rap battle.
This isn't Gettysburg, punk
This is not a battle in a war, but a rap battle.
I'd suggest retreating
I suggest you give up and leave the battle now.
For I invented rap music
I didn't actually invent rap music, but I'm saying that to intimidate you.
When my heart started beating
I became the first person to start rapping when I was born.
Chuck Norris doesn't battle
You don't actually fight in battles, you just let people lose to you.
He just allow you to lose
You let people lose on purpose.
My raps will blow your mind like a verbal John Wilkes Booth
My raps will be so good, they'll shock and surprise you like John Wilkes Booth's assassination of President Lincoln.
I've got my face on the side of a mountain
My face is on Mount Rushmore in South Dakota.
You voted for John McCain
You made a bad choice by voting for John McCain in the 2008 presidential election.
I've got a bucket full of my head and I'm about to make it rain
I have a bucket with a picture of my face on it and I'm going to pour its contents out like it's raining.
You block bullets with your beard?
There's a myth about you that says you can block bullets with your beard.
I catch em' with my skull
But I don't need to block bullets with my beard because I can catch them with my head.
I'd make fun of Walker, Texas Ranger but I've never ever seen that show
I'm saying that I could make fun of your TV show but I've never actually watched it.
I am Chuck Fucking Norris!
I'm stating my name emphatically to identify myself.
I've spread more blood and gore
I've been in more violent movies and TV shows than you have.
Than forty score of your puny Civil Wars, bitch
I've been in more violent movies than the 40 score (or 800) combined years of your Civil War.
I split the Union with a roundhouse kick
I'm saying that I could have single-handedly destroyed the Union with one of my martial arts kicks if I wanted to.
I wear a black belt on the beard that I grow on my dick
This line doesn't have a real meaning, it's just a vulgar insult towards Lincoln.
I attack sharks when I smell them bleed
I'm saying that I'm so tough that I can even take on sharks when they're injured.
I don't go swimming
I don't actually swim with sharks, I'm just being figurative.
Water just wants to be around me
I'm so awesome that water is attracted to me.
My fists make the speed of light wish that it was faster
I'm saying that I can punch really fast.
You may have freed the slaves
You, Abraham Lincoln, who has now been dead for 65 years, are known for freeing the slaves.
But Chuck is everyone's master
I'm saying that I'm the master of everyone, including you.
Writer(s): Lloyd Leonard Ahlquist, Peter Shukoff
Contributed by Aria W. Suggest a correction in the comments below.
@PyraVizion
11 years later, and everything about this STILL goes hard.
"I don't go swimming, water just wants to be around me."
Forever classic.
@erickumanzor4928
❤❤❤❤❤❤
@erenhidiroglu7889
12 years now
@shoreiguess
dude to this day, “I AM CHUCK FUCKING NORRIS” gets me crying
@ThePivotaddict
the line that i keep coming back for is "you block bullets with your beard? I catch em with my skull!" 💀
@manintheline5331
The fact that Abraham Lincoln faced the God of that era shows how much of a badass he is
@akorn9943
Honestly looking back now I feel more and more like Abe whupped his ass. Chuck just benefitted for a while from the entire internet being his hype man
@user-vs9ds3dc2y
@@akorn9943 yup
@beauxr.benoit1374
No one brought up the fact that Abe killed Vampires with an axe that he melted silver onto it's blade head.
@SStupendous
Weird to think Abe was around only 74 years before Chuck was born, but again neither era is really so far away from us