1. PHASES is an American indie-pop band from Los Angeles, California compos… Read Full Bio ↴1. PHASES is an American indie-pop band from Los Angeles, California composed of Jason Boesel (Rilo Kiley/Bright Eyes), Alex Greenwald (Phantom Planet), Michael Runion, and Z Berg (The Like). Prior to the departure of James Valentine, the band was called JJAMZ.

2. Phases is a Melodic Hardcore band out of Erie, Pa. Members being Chris Merrit, Ryan Zimmerman, and Shawn Bedow.

3. Alternative rock band from France

4. Rapper from Miami, FL.

5. Post punk project feat. Jimmy, Tristan, & Jackson of TV Ghost and Chris from Warm Ratio.

I Don't Know What's Right
Phases Lyrics

I'm always worried that there's
Something that I'm missing
Too scared to make a move
I've never been so good at making a decision
And so I keep it going

And there's nothing to say
And there's nothing to do
With you, with you, with you
Does it make it okay? Does it make it true?

I don't know what's right
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love with a memory
I want you back until you're with me
I don't know what's right
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love with a memory
I want you back until I'm drifting
Into his arms, into the night
I see your face when he's behind me
But still he always finds me
I don't know what's right
I don't know what's right
I don't know what's right

I don't remember how it ends
Or how it started but now I'm in too deep
I'm too entangled
This predicament uncharted
But I can't let you leave

Doesn't make me feel safe
Only makes me feel cheap
And weak, and weak, and weak
But there's nothing to say
So we'll wait and see

I don't know what's right
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love with a memory
I want you back until you're with me
I don't know what's right
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love with a memory
I want you back until I'm drifting
Into his arms, into the night
I see your face when he's behind me
Still he always finds me
I don't know what's right
I don't know what's right
I don't know what's right

I don't know what's right
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love with a memory
I want you back until you're with me
I don't know what's right
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love with a memory
I want you back until I'm drifting
I don't know what's right
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love with a memory
I want you back until you're with me
I don't know what's right
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love with a memory
I want you back until I'm drifting
Into his arms, into the night
I see your face when he's behind me
Still he always finds me
I don't know what's right
I don't know what's right
I don't know what's right
I don't know what's right

Lyrics © O/B/O APRA AMCOS

Lyrics Licensed & Provided by LyricFind

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01Silhouette3:56

02Betty Blue3:10

03I'm In Love With My Life3:44

10I Don't Know What's Right3:58

PT3M58S

Phases

11Lonely Nights4:03

12Take Me There4:16

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Most interesting comments from YouTube:

Denell L. Bennett Survivor/Warrior

3y↑2.6K

9:30 You’re too sensitive!
10:47 I never said that!
11:43 I’m not angry!
12:44 It’s all your fault!
13:13 You’re Broken!
14:44 Nobody likes you (Nobody wants to be around you)
16:06 You’re Petty or You’re childish
18:42 You can’t take a joke!
20:21 If you really loved me...

There’s nothing you can do or say to get them to own up to their gaslighting of you! They know they’re hurting you and they doing it on purpose! But they’re cowards and they will never admit to it!

Calm Luminosity

2y↑510

10 Gaslighting Phrases
1. You’re too sensitive
2. I never said that
3. I’m not angry (when they clearly are)
4. It’s all your fault
5. You are broken… You can’t handle the truth
(Why they lie)
6. This is why people don’t like you or this is why everyone doesn’t like you.
7. You’re petty, you’re childish (for blowing up)
8. You can’t take a joke (they call you names and when you get angry they call it a joke).
9. You’re insecure, you’re jealous (when you know they are cheating or suspect cheating they turn it around like it’s because you’re jealous).
10. If you really loved me…

N B

1y↑3

It's good to find a a way to stop it when all else fails. Im guessing even if you try talk to him about it they only abuse more.

My sister was annoyed at an innocent comment i made about her and instead of telling it me she waited until a public setting to make the same comment about me back in a nasty 'joking' way. In her case it may seem like the way to stop my comment but if she had just told me that would have been it. I was eternally upholding Her boundaries, with nothing in return.

Her way instead showed me that she had not liked my comment about her and most of all it showed me that her way to resolve anything was never to communicate with me. It showed me that all my communication to her was always for nothing and why nothing works with her for me.

I simply said yes that's right and shrugged it off. And took note that she is toxic. One of the many things that started to wake me up to her. And one of the few times when i was able to stop her ways on the spot not carry it around for her.

Her favourite gaslighting phrase: 'It's your reality' , cynicaly, when it is her doing and her harming.

Bob Langford

2y↑1

I faced the 2nd form of unintentional gaslighting all the time as a child, but honestly, it never bothered me. Usually when someone said to me, "That's hard for you? Oh, that's the easy part!" It was reassuring to me, because usually they followed up that statement with an easy-to-follow, step-by-step guide how to perform the task correctly. For example, I had trouble remembering the quadratic formula and how to solve it until someone showed me "how easy it is." When they sang a song to help me memorize the quadratic formula, and showed me step-by-step how to solve for it, it immediately became easy for me.

I experienced severe gaslighting from my boss for three years. In year 3, I felt completely worthless, and I was questioning my sanity daily. I left that job (wasn't fired) because I moved, and when I got a new job, in a much healthier environment for my mentality, I realized how I was mentally abused every single day. I cannot thank my new boss enough for showing me that I was the competent one, and my former boss was manipulative. My new boss doesn't even know about my abusive experience, but the healthy rapport I have with her helped me realize that I was being manipulated into believing that I was the incompetent one.

"It's going to be your fault," is a phrase I heard almost every day when the task at hand was not even my responsibility, but I was manipulated into believing that it was my responsibility. I'd usually hear this phrase in the form of, "I'm holding you accountable for this." It sounds less harsh, but it means the same thing.

"I never said that," was also a phrase I heard all the time. This is the one that initially led me to questioning my own sanity.

I never heard "You're broken," but I did often hear things like, "I know you've been handed a task too big for you." Making me feel like I wasn't competent enough to handle a situation.

All comments from YouTube:

PumpkinQueen_31

2y↑601

I was told by both my parents that “I’m too sensitive” all my life… when in reality I wasn’t, they both were just totally insensitive.

Ca Zi

1y↑1

God, I hate that sentence… it triggers me badly… even until today in my mid-40ies, I‘m still told by my surroundings that I‘m too sensitive 🙄. But it‘s really nice to see that there are so many other sensitive people out there 👏. We should create our own group 😄.

Elvis left the building

Me too

Jens Bang

Or they were afraid to get into anything involving emotional values...and could only go as far as they did...perhaps because if they said.. over sensitive..seems to imply they have some kind of awareness of feelings and emotions...
So many potential possibilities..probabalistically speaking...

Tonya Brookes

Same

Marti Seelye

Same🙄

25 More Replies...

OSU89

2y↑818

One of the best defense I found for me against gaslighting was just getting older. As I passed through my forties, I stopped caring what people thought of me. IT. WAS. LIBERATING. Once you know who you are, gaslighting bounces right off of you. I can see how this can affect younger people who might need external validation. The secret is...you don't need it.

DJ Sazon

1y↑2

You don't need them, you don't need it. True. People think they have some sort of power over you, hahaha No one can control anyone.

Theresa Haines

1y↑2

I don’t care what people think of me. I used to when I was younger. I now only care about what God thinks about me and only God.

Sitting Duck

It’s normal for children and young adults to need emotional support from family. We all need a little. Nobody deserves to be treated badly no matter what the age. Parents and teachers need to respect young people as having valid views. We all have our own experiences which are valid, even if the person is a minority.

M Renae

Yes! I’m 40 and truly walking unbothered 😅It was super hard to feel like this in my 20s and early 30s, 40 came and I know myself so well, people can say WHATEVER and it literally doesn’t shake me. The blessing of getting older. ✨

azumi

you don't need it. YES! !! realizing it is the first step toward releasing the streess

44 More Replies...

M R

2y↑459

In my experience, my personal favourite was “it’s all in your head”
Battling with someone’s ego is not only exhausting, but pointless.

Tango India Mike

My wife is a gaslighter and says that alot. If I say I'm hungry, she tells me it's in my head and don't think about it. She especially does this if we are traveling or away from the house, and she doesn't want to stop somewhere to eat. She'll do everything she can to manipulate me into taking her home. I can't count the times I have driven 10 miles home to drop her off, and then 10 miles back to town to go eat in peace, then another 10 miles home again. I'm also not allowed to feel bad or be sick, because it's all in my head. I'm a caring and giving person. When she feels bad, I do everything for her. When I feel bad, she tells me to get over it because it's in my head. I'm not allowed to be tired either. It's quite maddening!

Thanh Nguyen

So true

Maria HC

@The Toaster that sounds like a generic phrase to me. if you don't know what you did, just say it. it's honestly not that hard and people shouldn't be mad to honest people

The Toaster

2y↑1

@Maria HC well that's the only way to comfort someone without admitting fault for something which isn't your fault. Or you risk coming across as a people pleaser that has no boundaries.

8 More Replies...

Michelle Alexandra

2y↑239

The “you’re petty” part = reactive abuse. They poke and poke at you till you burst and you are seen as “unstable”, “too much”, etc.

Melissa Maya

Oh my god! Rhis is exactly what my adult kids do

Gamer 210

I am so glad I am not the only one. I am always the bad guy because my family pokes and pokes until I loose it. They know what they are doing

Missy Geno

True

Tango India Mike

@Anduela Ismaili ...and no matter how clearly, I repeat word for word what my wife said, she will stand there and deny that she said it, when the words just came right out of her mouth only seconds before I repeated it. She'll make me out to be the one who is out of control by denying saying whatever she said that upset me.

Anduela Ismaili

And then they focus on your reaction. My partner says "I shouldn't have said A, but your reaction woah, you looked scary". So, although A caused B, the focus is on B, even though B happened as a result of A...

8 More Replies...

Living Inthenow

2y↑272

I've never been in a personal relationship with someone who successfully did this to me, primarily because my initial reaction to it is to tell them that they're full of shit and walk away from them if they continue. I think having the willingness to cut people out of your life when they start to behave this way is the absolutely best defense against gaslighting. Even if it's just the "You're too sensitive" thing, I'm not going to repeatedly put up with someone else deciding how much "sensitivity" I'm allowed to have. Either respect my boundaries (like I respect yours) or hit the highway.

Proud American

@anna may I for one divorced and rid my life of the garbage, to whom would you be referring?

Proud American

@Redrose_ 196 well said!

Proud American

@Melisentia Pheiffer Thank you, nice to know there are a few in here who actually get it. The others will never be free. They will pay for therapy for years, and still never actually get it. Sad really.

Proud American

@Ann marie Doran wow. That was barely understandable, and no one in here is knocking the video. Try again.

35 More Replies...

Anndra

1y↑8

WOW! I heard each one of these phrases continually during my 7 year "situationship" with the ex narc. Deep down, I knew that he was manipulating me and was being abusive, but it took an outside person whom I barely knew to validate it for me! SO GLAD to be out of that toxic, crazy mess!!! 😥

Denell L. Bennett Survivor/Warrior

3y↑2.6K

Jens Bang

1y↑1

Agreed

Ainikki

I'm in a friendship where things have started to sour, so I'm trying to figure out the reasons for it. I've used #2 (not in such strong terms, but to clarify what I meant, usually over text--I've never said it aloud. I think it's easier to misunderstand text-only communication.) I've also used #6 (you're childish) because they don't show up or do what they said they would do. They let their house fall into disrepair and neglect because of that, so I think of that as calling it as I see it.

Never used any of the others. Had most of them used on me at some point or another. They've hit me with #1 (too sensitive) and #8 (can't take a joke) a lot, so it's possible that me using #6 was lashing out. IDK. My father was a terrible narcissistic abuser and I really actively try not to repeat any of his patterns, but it's clear to me that we've both been out of line. Maybe this is a way to improve the conversation.

seedless fruit

@Missticklotus yeah, I feel the same. My sister has called my mom petty before, because she is. (We're both adults, if that makes a difference.) I feel like "I never said that" can actually be true, when they accuse you of saying something you really didn't say, and you feel like you have to defend yourself. So yes, context absolutely matters for some of these. Sometimes, these phrases are emotional abuse, and other times they're said in response to emotional abuse. (Depending on the phrases used, of course.)

seedless fruit

@Oregano oil my mother will say that, as well as telling us to prove it. Or "show me when, show me where," and trying to get us to give her the exact date of when things were said or done.

Frenzyviz62

Oh my goodness.... I’ve heard all but the one about being broken, but I have heard other similar things, including “you can’t think straight” (meaning properly); you’re twisted (meaning my personality); & others I can’t think of right now........ oh, & “well you shouldn’t think like that/ think that”; etc, etc.

170 More Replies...

Melissa C

1y↑4

This is the exact way my relationship of 6 years was. Only physical abuse was also a part of it. The most scarring emotionally damaging relationship I’ve ever had. It’s all so very recent too and I’ve been isolated for so long I don’t even have any friends because of him. This video gives me hope that I am not alone and I can get through this 🤗

Michaela

You did a great job by signing up! Take this opportunity and make use of it as much as you can! Seek help if this is what your inner child and your soul needs!Do not be embarrassed and do not be afraid! YOU ARE GOING TO FIND YOURSELF AND YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY GOING TO LOVE IT AND PROTECT IT! And of course you are going to meet new people, but when the time comes for that you will have set your boundaries in the right position! 😉 We are all mentally together in this journey! Smile, express your gratitude for surviving and have FAITH! 🙂

Melissa C

1y↑1

@Michaela Thank you. I will definitely take a look at the MBTI test. I signed up for a domestic violence workshop. It’s on Zoom but I hope to find some support there and learn to love myself again. I really appreciate your reply. It means more than you know 🤗

Melissa C

1y↑1

@Jackie Kelly Thank you for your kind words

Michaela

1y↑1

You are not alone!!!! Definitely not alone! There are millions of us! Thank God you escaped! We are the lucky ones... You need your alone time to find yourself after losing it, so take advantage of your "loneliness" and never treat it as a disadvantage!!!!!! Meet yourself, embrace and LOVE it!!!!! This is the beginning of your healing journey! And it is difficult but trust me.... SO WONDERFUL!!!!!! Have NO REMORSE AND NO FEAR!!!! Identify your type of personality by taking the MBTI test and then start research about it. It helped me in the level that when the next bloodsucking narcissist appeared I sent him home no questions asked! Also! Meditate! It helps!!!!!YOU CAN DO IT! YOU DESERVE IT! PUT FAITH IN YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU ARE STRONG (God knows you endured that level of abuse and survived, so you are no joke) AND MOST OF ALL YOU DESERVE IT!!!!!!!! God bless you and your healing journey! Stay determined and strong!

Jackie Kelly

1y↑1

You Can get through it! You will be SO much stronger because of it, & have true friends, as you will know which ones to walk away from!

a walk

2y↑199

Don't interact with a narcissist. It just feeds their energy. They want a reaction , don't give them one, just walk away. They cannot cope with being found out as a fraud, and they are all frauds.

Misty Campbell

@Lone Wolf yikes🙄

𝓛𝓲𝓶𝓲𝓽𝓵𝓮𝓼𝓼 𝓟𝓸𝓼𝓼𝓲𝓫𝓲𝓵𝓲𝓽𝓲𝓮𝓼 ♾️

1y↑3

@Lone Wolf you are right that there is a very large spectrum but if you are aware of your narcissistic tendencies, it is far less likely to be something that cannot be worked on. Its those who are oblivious and think they are perfection that need to be avoided IMO

Voice of Adam

2y↑8

@Lone Wolf Hey, cool - we found a genuine example of attempted gaslighting right here in the comments!

6 More Replies...

Calm Luminosity

2y↑510

Y O U & M E DISCUSSIONS

Meghan & #harry

Sin Vee

Going through this now. My dad was emotionally abusive. I notice I get with emotionally unavailable men. I'm 45 and still going through it.

Johnnye Belinda Bewley

And there are more gaslighting phrases as well

melissa saint

@Magnificent Muttley Getting therapy can be vital for just establishing your ability to feel confident in a genuine sense of reality. It can be a huge help in getting out of that kind of abusive situation, or in getting help if you have a health issue going on.

37 More Replies...

Dinah Nicest

2y↑51

Don't put up with being put down. My brother, who I love dearly, and who is not a bad person, teased me with the same insulting name for more than 50 years, and he would laugh obnoxiously every time. Obviously, ignoring it wasn't going to work, so at a big family gathering I laughed with everyone else and said "It's been more than 50 years, and that's still the funniest and wittiest thing I ever heard..." and I looked at him and added "from you." The laughing stopped and he never said it again.

Here for the acoustics 💆‍♀️

hell yeah

N B

1y↑3

Stuntsnik11

2y↑18

I work with a guy who gaslights people all the time. I recognize it and don't let it get to me. His favorite response to people that are expressing displeasure with his actions is to ask for specific examples of the behavior. If you can't think of one on the spot you start to question whether the behavior existed in the first place.

Stevie Crow

3y↑4.9K

When you feel that you need to wear a body camera as backup for evidence to what you’re experiencing and witnessing, it’s gaslighting and it’s abuse.

Randel Chance

1y↑1

I would screenshot texts and call logs. My abuser threatened multiple to rape me over text. He would call me 14+ times always after 12am always when I had to work just to spew sexually disgusting abuse and criticism.
The reason for all this? I called him out for lying about his living situation and relationship status. That's right, this man was purposely seeking out much younger inexperienced women in his corporate city to use to cheat on his long-term girlfriend. She owned the house and he basically had her paying for everything. Cushy gig at home and fun times on corporate trips and vacations.

curatur

1y↑1

Very well said !!+++ I felt it at work for the last 10 years you even don't realise how you develop paranoia it's insane
Leave as soon as possible
Money is evil

Cecilia Ohman

I often thought of a camera or recorder but then I was like “nah that’s crazy” but in my reality I know it’s necessary for proof. I found just being real with my own feelings /emotions and taking care of that on my own and from there being honest with myself and the gaslighter- calling him out and letting him know Exactly what my feelings are and that I own them. Still some covert stuff that this video is helpful with. This is a chronic issue and has to be managed with my boundaries and it’s very frustrating, exhausting at times.

Shillstradameus

@Taylor Durden exactly. Whenever I presented them with cold hard evidence that no sane person could ever deny, I only just got it worse in return 😢

Cindy Goodson

I have considered it for sure.

320 More Replies...

Amy Christian

2y↑79

I’ve been gaslit by friends and I’m finally free of all the gaslighters. I feel like my life is so much happier now!

Tonya Brookes

👍

Kirk Barkley

as it should be.

Brian Fisher

2y↑1

We’ll get ready to be gaslit again… jk just joking… oh shit. I just became a narcissistic gaslighter. 🔥

1 More Replies...

avery martinez

2y↑41

I’m literally crying. My mother literally said every single one of these phrases to me the other day when I confronted her about an interaction she had with my daughter.

Anduela Ismaili

What did your mother say to your daughter?

Dani LaRoche

2y↑6

@Glynnis Thomas Both my sisters are narcissistic and can be cruel. Lots of gaslighting. I try to be kind and respectful but I have to keep my distance for my own sanity.

Make a change...

My mother I found out is just as narcissistic as my soon to be ex husband. I just never knew. I had to cut ties when she made comments why she wasn't their at the birth of my baby after I had told her ahead of time..
"Well last time you told him I divered my baby after I told you the plan was to please not tell him and she was like Okay." the man left me pregnant again and when he called my mom whi never does she told him where I was. Traumatized me for this 4th time and with social media at her finger tips not even 3 hrs after the birth of my baby she said some awesome stuff insulting me.Then few mths later she snuck around by meeting up with my ex and my kids during his visitation instead of reaching out to me for forgiveness. Listen ladies. It's your body. You decide how to keep yourself safe and if people like even your mother don't respect your wished after deep explanations the reasons for your safety and integrity. You did nothing wrong. Keep going. You don't have to forgive and don't let people tell you Jesus did bc they don't understand what Jesus meant by this. Those who did you wrong first need to ask for forgiveness and repent all their sins before asking for forgiveness. But guess what...they will never ask for forgiveness only it from you who did no wrong and they will never change. Believe me you'll keep having bad days but they will be less burden by your understanding that Gid has better things waiting for you at the end

Glynnis Thomas

2y↑3

My day today with my sister has had me in tears for hours. It was horribly intense I think because I told her that she has called me crazy for the last effing time. And indeed, I was WRONG!

1 More Replies...

Speckle

2y↑12

It breaks my heart how many people get affected by this. We are never alone in this. I'm starting my journey to recovery.

Kathryn Cooper

2y↑57

I finally left a husband who insisted for years that I was "over-reacting." It's much more difficult to drop an adult child who won't listen -- probably because you're redefining your future, not just responding to the past. I studied and took notes for two years before concluding that my daughter was habitually making me uncomfortable whenever we were together, so I dared to tackle the subject with her. Her reaction was predictable, not to mention painful. But I'm in my 70s and think what's left of my life will be much more rewarding if I surround myself with people who love and support me, so I had to draw the line.

minihoney13

1y↑1

What a beautiful, inspiring post you wrote. x thank you x

Shield Maiden

1y↑2

My ex-husband's favorite was to criticize everything about me and then say, why are you so defensive.? God.

Crystal Alexander

1y↑2

Me too !! Should have done it 40 years back but m sure glad I left

E Sparxx

1y↑4

Another form of malicious gaslight is saying you're sorry when it's not necessary or you're not actually sorry. ♡

Me

3y↑2.1K

Left my husband because I heard all of these things. I was on seven different types of medications and developed fibromyalgia because of his abuse. I am a year out, not on medication and not in pain anymore. There is a light on the other side. Life is short, don't let people abuse you! You deserve better!

Penny Duncan

@TreeFrog I have come to the same conclusion. I have fibromyalgia. I was abused emotionally and physically as a child. My abuser has been dead for 20 years. Wish I could make it go away.

Penny Duncan

@J. Scott Merrell That is ridiculous.

Cristina Torregiani

@Marla Castleman dear Maria, you have already list everything: your courage, your pride, your strenght. You paid the house, the car, the holidays, the show off to neighbours, with something irrepleceable: yourself.

Cristina Torregiani

@Annabelle D you CAN find a way out, with state help ir find yourself a job. Granted, it s mot essy and requires literal work. But no price is too high for having finally peace in your life and stop the abuse. Temember: you are paying your easy-no- job -needed life with your soul that is being cradhed ebety day a little bit more. Find your own internal resources and run!

Cristina Torregiani

@Janet Daily i hope you could find a nice appartment and relief from your health issues

147 More Replies...

Wayne Stoner

2y↑19

I have experienced this with both my biological parents and my adopted family. It got to the point where I was constantly questioning myself even though I knew what I was stating was the truth. My birth father kicked me out of the house at 17 because of a disagreement and then not even five years later with my adopted parents, they kicked me out over a tiny argument. It was the toughest thing to go through but like she stated I was fed up with everything. I moved in with my best friend in the whole wide world and we are still going strong. She was even the one that told me they are being gaslighters and I didn't want to listen for a while because I wanted to try to fix things. As a Christian I spread love, joy, and peace unto others because that is what we are told to do. I gained so much wisdom and have been ale to use it to aid others in these situations. I am only 22 going on 23 in life and my friend told me that I have the wisdom of someone in their 60s. I have reconnected with both families but am taking everything step by step because I am not going to be hurt again. I have even called a few of them out on the BS they are saying. I am proud of the man and individual I have become in life. I have taken up cleaning my adopted and birth mothers houses out of love to them. I don't really communicate or say a whole lot to them because they are still gaslighters. I just tell them that they cannot call themselves a Christian by being so hateful and saying negative things about other individuals. I tell them to let bygons be bygons and the past be the past but they thrive living in the past, instead of living in the present and praying for the future.

Thank you so much for this video as it only reinforces what I know of gas lighting and emotional abuse. I am also thankful to God everyday that I don't have mental health issues with all the psychological, emotional, verbal, and physical abuses I suffered as a child. I thank him everyday that he was able to keep me strong and mentally resilient to these affects.

There are ways to overcome and beat this, but you have to be the one to say that enough is enough and do something to better your situation.

Timelessocity

2y↑21

Thank you for exposing these ridiculous tactics toxic, narcissistic, abusive people use! Remove these people from your life, right now!!

zosometalgod

2y↑1

I was married for 26 years and didn't really knew what gas lighting was until it was too late!my ex wife started gaslighting me in our last years of marriage! When I would tell her when she would hurt me she always said I'm acting like a woman I'm too sensitive! She also would say I'm always playing the victim! I started to believe this bullshit I kept questioning myself and it really hurt! My ex never acted like this with me in our first 10 years of marriage! I've been divorced for over 10 years now and I wish I knew what gaslighting was back then when my ex-wife did it to me! I know now! Love your common ego videos keep them coming I'm a new subscriber now!

Olivia

1y↑1

My mom and younger sister are toxic narcissists. It’s destroyed the family. They will never apologize or admit when they are wrong. It’s sick. I’m better off without them.

Cynthia Smith

3y↑3.4K

Gaslighter provokes and remains calm. Victim gets upset. Gaslighter says "You need to get help for your anger issues".

Romute11

OMG. I got proved and then was told that I am mentally disturbed

Cynthia Smith

@Fox Fire I went through that for 15 years. I hope you're able to get help like I did.

Fox Fire

1y↑2

Yes. He used to tell me I needed help for my “anger issues.” I was always so confused by this because in those moments I was just so worked up about something he did that was so disrespectful and wouldn’t take ownership of or even acknowledge. He would also automatically point to my alleged “anger issues” any time I would confront him on something he was doing or lying about.

Not A Robot

@tristandeee that’s how they control

Not A Robot

1y↑1

Cynthia you got that right. Happens to me every day

266 More Replies...

Brenda B

2y↑2

When someone has said some very mean things or intentionally hurts another person, then they say,
"I, only have your best interest at heart."
The first time someone does & says this, I walk away.

TwoGoatsRacing

2y↑12

This is the first time I’ve looked into information about gaslighting. I find this information interesting. I’ve been on both sides of a few of these phrases, but I don’t feel like I’m an emotionally abusive person. It’s definitely something worth noting, and keeping an eye on.

Teen Vegans

1y↑1

@captainbarney Im curious as to whether I was ever gaslighting. Its complicated, but I always thought she was. Or maybe this phrase is just thrown around too much.

I used to say these things about my gf, but I think they were true. Like I would say I dont wanna get sick when shes sick, and she would say "oh that means you dont care about me" and my reaction would basically be too tell her shes too sensitive and thats not what I mean as I obviously care about you. Then I would argue the point that it doesnt make sense to be so oversensitive to such small things, otherwise I feel like walking on egg shells. And her reaction would be storm off in public and dissapear for hours if I dont run after her.

captainbarney

2y↑1

It's good information but I do think the current mainstream use of gaslighting covers scenarios that don't really amount to the truly heinous 'leave the relationship' level, that dime-a-dozen proper communication couldn't resolve. Like on a forum someone will give their story and ask if it's gaslighting and people will respond that it is and they should look for more signs. But all I got from the story is that the poster and their partner simply disagreed on what to do about something important.

As long as both sides are communicating well and making it clear to each other when they feel as though the other needs to listen more it will avoid confusion. But outright allegations of gaslighting could break relationships where it didn't need to happen. I mean if Y accuses Z of gaslighting, and Z genuinely doesn't understand what Y is talking about how do you navigate that conversation without Y doubling down on the accusation? Just lends itself to a vicious cycle.

Lou Sialb

2y↑3

The only thing we can control is ourselves. While reacting to these behaviours is understandable, we all must take responsibility for who we are and who we want to be. It was important for me to learn about gaslighting and narcissistic abuse, but the bitterness, judgement, and hatred it left me with was a different form of unhealthy. It still have the abusers in my life power over me. Getting angry might be a necessary stage in healing, but it's not the end game. Keep going until you have enough confidence in yourself not to be affected by whatever nonsense someone else may spew. It's not about getting better at tolerating bad behaviour; it's about genuinely discerning right from wrong and calmly respecting your own boundaries rather than desperately trying to get someone else to. I now understand that the narcissists in my life are insecure and immature, and I know that an explanation is not an excuse. I have the power to adjust my interactions with them (ranging from ceasing to exert one-sided effort to maintain the relationship to no contact) with no need for anyone else's permission or agreement. I have reclaimed my sanity, self respect, confidence, which was the missing piece when I was stuck at "they're evil, and I'm a victim." I took responsibility for my part (why did I doubt my experience when gaslit? Why was I so affected by their baseless opinions? Why was I so predictable and unhinged when they pushed certain buttons?) Hard, soul-searching work that takes a lot of humility and discipline to do. But I knew that I am not a weak, bitter, mean person, so it didn't feel complete just labelling people and shunning them out of spite or fear. We can all move beyond that. The outcome (eg, having no contact with a dangerous person) may look the same, but how it feels inside is different.

Sweet Hard-Biceps

1y↑5

One of the most frustrating ways I've been gaslit was by my own mother when I was healing from a T.B.I., and as my brain started to heal I was realizing she had been doing this to me for a while.

EVERY time I called her out on a specific shitty thing she did, her response was "I had NO idea that I did that ...but I'm SORRY if I did!"

Be careful with the people you trust. Some of them are just waiting for you to become weak enough for them to prey on you safely.

Word Life

3y↑884

I found myself desperately apologizing for my reactions to their toxic behavior. What a sadistic trick.

Gladia Etienne

Yessssssssss

Marc D

Check out Anxious Preoccupied/Dismissive Avoidant relationships. That's pretty on par for them.

Redrose_ 196

@Word Life omg so true! It's the same with me! And he even told me that he is willing to 'forgive' me while completely ignoring the fact that all I did was reacting to his Gaslighting bullshit!

Leaping Joseph

@Kelly Jostad happy for you.

Kelly Jostad

2y↑2

@Leaping Joseph
I finally cut my narcissistic, emotionally abusive parents out of my life. I’m feeling stronger every day.💚

22 More Replies...

lucien75

2y↑12

Another phrase for someone who abuses emotionally.. say you're in an argument, and they had a history of emotionally abusing you. To make themselves feel better and so they don't feel guilt, they blame you for the abuse, like, "You deserved everything I did." But this is wrong, because abuse (of any kind) is NEVER okay.

Tricia Nindel

I really liked this video. I like your style of explanation. You lay out the facts and leave people to do what they want with them. You have an easy way that is so refreshing to someone abused. Thanks so much for making. I look forward to more. 💙💚💜

Sam

2y↑6

I’ve noticed that I used the second common phrase in a past argument with my mom, and in reflection realized I was unintentionally utilizing malicious gaslighting. The problem is that my emotions are out of control, particularly at times when I’m having to face reality or a dreaded situation. Whenever I say nasty things in the heat of an argument I’m so emotionally charged that I lose control of myself, and I am unable to view myself rationally from an outside perspective. That’s why when things start to cool down after my anger dies down (typically completely unwarranted…) and what I said or how I said it is reflected back on me, I deflect and assume that surely I would never say that and how dare you say that I would say and mean something like that! 🤦🏻‍♀️ I never get in arguments with anyone but my mom bc she’s the only person on earth that loves me unconditionally. I tell her I love her all the time though, and my episodes are rarer and more subdued now than in the past. I think I can only see clearly now though bc she’s never pulled her punches in letting me hear the truth as she persisted in her love and patience with me. Ultimately I believe selective amnesia during emotional explosions is more unintentional than manipulative/calculating. It protects you from yourself (from facing your true filth/toxicity).

Edit: also she’d always say that she needed to record me. Apparently I used this tactic more than I remember. That should’ve been a pretty obvious red flag early on that I should trust her vantage point of how I acted more than my own.

Debbie Sedgwick

1y↑1

You are so wise and observant of yourself. You're going to do great things in life.

Sarah

My mother loves to tell me I'm too sensitive whenever I call her out on hurtful stuff. Whether it's intentional or not, if something she says hurts my feelings she doesn't have the empathy to accept it and validate it

Jamie McTainsh

2y↑27

How about "stonewalling" where they just refuse to react to any point you make? Not something they say but what they won't say. Very frustrating.

Kitty Kat

2y↑10

Good point. You may be making a good point and they don't react to it in a positive way or tell you why they are not liking it, which would be okay too. At least they would be honest... they are just withholding interacting as a form of disrupting and sabotaging anything good that could come of what you are doing.

burningdust

3y↑546

When I was younger and a little more naive I assumed most people wouldn’t put soo much time, energy, and thought into plotting emotional abuse. It’s surprising how many people make this their life’s work!

q84

@Jelly Roll No, they put a lot of effort in plotting their schemes. The dumber ones even pay smarter ones to teach them.

q84

@Rosalind Archer And the stupid evil people even pay the smart ones to teach them. - So yes, some nars aso. got lessons in doing things like emotional abuse.

Wf Coaker

It's the only way they feel in control. It's like a drug to them. It was horrifying when I found out in therapy that people like that plan their head games in advance. That time my ex turned on me for nothing when we got in the car and I then drove 12 hours in tense silence while he looked out the side window? Yeah, that didn't just happen. He might not have figured out every detail, but he planned to torture me like that well in advance of it happeninv, and he enjoyed every minute of it, he got a rush out of it.

BG

Pretty sure that when they said "it's not you", it was.

Karen Martin

It’s surprising to me how many people it seems to come natural to.

39 More Replies...

AndriusSR

1y↑1

This is my first time hearing about gaslighting, but your description fits perfectly with the relationship I have with (according to what I just learned from this video) my gaslighter. I've just found out that there is a name for this type of emotional abuse.

Simona Georgieva

I literally just found out I was emotionally abused by the person I was in love with and have suffered with so much guilt after the break up thinking it’s all my fault and no one is going to put up with my jealousy, insecurity and troubled thinking. Every single thing listed in this video I have heard from him and every single time he could use my vulnerability against me he did. I can not believe I thought he was the love of my life.

Spacedoutbabyy

2y↑20

i developed real messed up in my mental because my parents had me question my reality every single day about every single thing i did or said and it was traumatizing. they used the soft form almost always. how frickin insane to tell a child what they’re feeling isn’t real

Kjel Hafso

Both parents are narcissistic and I married my mother.
Now that I’m a dad I believe they should be in jail for their abuse.

keep it kawaii

2y↑3

Get therapy. Its what has helped me regain some trust for myself again. It's crucial that you fix the damage they cause, it messes with your self esteem and can open you up to further abuse in other relationships.

Tru Win

My friend was gaslighting me all the time. She projected her insecurities on me and unfortunately I opened up to her and she learned my insecurities and would not let me forget it and used it to mentally hold me back. She mentally & emotionally abused me. She had me cut out everyone and only allowed keep people that reinforced my insecurities. It was a struggle but I finally had to cut her off.

Ninja Kitty

2y↑5

Thank you so much for this video. I was raised in narcissistic abuse by my mother. Im having to learn to love her from a distance .

amybee40

3y↑486

I was always careful as a mom to tell my kids not "you're fine", but "you WILL be fine" -- not to cancel their feelings, but to give them light at the end of the tunnel.

N B

@amybee40 No. Kids are tasked with teaching parents about their realities. Your job really is to listen. The wild stories always always go where they are meant to, to bonding, communication and connection. If you listen.

N B

That is so smart. It makes all the difference. Gaslighting is so tricky they pretend saying 'you're fine' is caring when they know it does the opposite. Just as you know saying 'you will be fine' has all the power to make things right.

Ogden Michael

@S-Ter Nichols , best way to put it yah.

Cindy Hoomalu

3y↑1

YES! I tell my son all the time that I know it hurts but it will get better.

18 More Replies...

ms. Texas soldier

2y↑1

I hear you, many of these that you mention bring back bad flashbacks. The narc would say,that I had a bad childhood and I treated all the men in my life really bad and that I needed help. These comments pushed buttons in me and the narc couldn't wait to see me react. Like what can you do? Naturally we defend ourselves. Plus they say it over and over again. Ugh! Then after gaslighting it was the silent treatment, and then they pretend nothing happened or expect your apology ( when you're not wrong)! So messed up

katana364

2y↑2

Oh gosh. I am past the logical phase and was falling into the depression phase.
I know what I saw, I know what I heard, telling me how I misheard and misunderstood. I started to really doubt myself. I got lucky, someone else was present and backed me up. I heard and understood correctly. I was emotionally abused and gaslit in a previous marriage, so it feels familiar this time. The difference is having backup. I needed to hear I wasn't going crazy, and now that I know for sure there is no reason for me to backdown and doubt myself.

Oh crud... That last part about pettiness. That's been how I've been living for months now. I've blown up a couple times and never considered that it might be purposeful until recently.

annarchy

Laughing so hard at this (I've already cried enough in life) my mother and grandmother wrote the gaslighting manual.

Matt Barker

Omg it gives me chills going through each of these phrases they are exactly the same, it has been more than 30 years of it

MultiSelmaselma

2y↑1

I wanna hug everyone in this comment section! I feel this to my bone. After I experienced r*** I layed in bed for a whole day feeling awful and trying to understand the situation. This was in the middle of the lockdowns and I didn't have many friends besides one narc friend/coworker who texted me when I didn't show up at work. I didn't answer till later that day because I mentally couldnt and she got annoyed at that, made it all about her and said something along the lines that I need to learn to let people in because I would never find friends and no one would love me if I kept my walls up like I did

Laurie J.

3y↑687

My abusive mother's favorite line:
"Everyone knows you're crazy!"
And, in a sense, she was right; everyone "knew" I was "crazy" because that's what she told them.

Tall Paska

Had that all my life. However, people see me conduct myself with dignity and can draw their own conclusions.

lorenavelvet

2y↑1

@Jenny Smith why don't you distance yourself from her? I think you would feel so much better.

N Rivera

@Rachel Sonshine 🙌🏼💪🏽👏🏼 I want blessings to go to you. Thank you for being a great human being

Ana Paula

@Loretta Frey religion = guilt

35 More Replies...

Gregory Worth

2y↑1

This was truly amazing. Thank you. I have gone through my life striving to never do two things which are to embarrass someone in front of others, especially their peers or to make any one feel inadequate even if it's just them and myself. I felt like you described my gaslighting marriage the last fifteen years to a "T." I felt like I was walking around on eggshells to avoid confrontations and by the time I finally left, I thought I was one step away from losing my marbles. Now that I am divorced from the lady, but because we have two grown daughters, we still have to talk occasionally and even now she still tries gaslighting me. The one I would hear quite often is "Why are you reacting that way or over-reacting?" This statement is true. "Well maybe because our youngest daughter just let it slip that you set her up a separate checking account with a debit card and a $3,000 balance."

Ally Gentile

2y↑4

Oh my. I’m listening to this whilst freaking right out as this video is virtually my marriage in a shadow box. All wrapped up neatly and presented. Holy God. Give me strength.

C Dole

Sending you lots of love sista. I know you are speaking from experience...and hope you are healing! Thanks for the teachings

Frankie 🌻☀️

2y↑14

Thankfully at the end of this clip I’ve found that i have been doing the right thing all along!!
It does irritate me massively, but knowing not to engage with a gas-lighter is the only thing to do, has made my day! 🤔😊😉

M Diaz

2y↑12

It’s fair to respond with “if you loved me, you wouldn’t do__________” in situations that are dangerous. Such as when a partner who has cheated or beaten you makes claims they love you. Love doesn’t drive someone to cheat or beat the person they love because love requires compassion and kindness.

Redrose_ 196

Agree! My partner kept saying he loved me while his actions and words kept proving it's not true. So I had to confront him many times with this phrase, desperately trying to make him realise what he is actually doing. But sadly such people lives in denial.

Kitty Kat

2y↑5

I am learning what confrontation is when you talk about gaslighting to see what someone else meant. The interaction is much more about what each person means rather than just what you hope they mean. And to speak up asking about what was really meant, has a lot of do with properly defending yourself where feelings are involved in important relationships. I am so thankful for the sweetness you give to me 🍰as a victim. No one has been so kind right where a person needs it.

Fanng

3y↑373

The amount of times I have heard “You’re too sensitive” or “It was just a joke” is unbelievable and I’m glad to slowly start recognizing these behaviours in people so that I can finally get away from them.

Peggy Sterling

@Chris bless you for going through so much, 🙏 praying you can finally get your health back, try to put that positivity out into universe ✨ 💖

Peggy Sterling

@Alain Vosselman some of them are great actors and wow, their feelings and moods can change like a lightswitch

Peggy Sterling

@Chris yes. I'd rather be too sensitive because I do have feelings and I asked my very intelligent nephew if he knew how to get someone's goat or trigger them, he only heard of being triggered from reading about it, but he's such a good kind gentleman that he doesn't associate with people that try to trigger you, how awesome is that👍

Alejandro Gazu

@Chris yeah everything is gaslighting nowdays 😒

Alain Vosselman

@Chris I sencerely hope you get better, that was a tough read. Just lost an ex coworker and friend last week to cancer and my mother also has it. She's also down to her 4th chemo session.
I find it amazing that you can keep your spirit as high !

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Mrs. Ackerman

2y↑5

This describes perfectly my narcissistic toxic mother. And the typical phrases ? I hear 99% of them all the time from her.

hforet71

2y↑6

I know from experience that it's not just a partner. I went through this with a coworker. And even my own family!

Javier Pinzon

2y↑1

A short but very concise and helpful explanation that helped identify and name what I have been dealing with with my wife. Thanks!

Silvana716

It took me a long time and therapy to realize the pattern of those who told me I was too sensitive, and this was possible with a break from those who told me that I was too sensitive/thin-skinned or “crazy” or that they had to walk on eggshells around me, consistently did or said something on more than one occasion that would be a blatant insult to any intelligent person: making rude remarks about my appearance or intelligence, say I was ugly/unattractive, leaving me out of invitations to family outings and holidays, treating me like I’m invisible repeatedly and still continuing to do so after it was pointed out.

Kendra Mize

2y↑4

This made me realize how bad my relationship is and how I need to get out even more than i thought.

Anne Shelton

3y↑789

25 years. That’s how long I dealt with this. It started so subtly that I didn’t realize it was happening. Freedom is wonderful

R Lw

@karen M good for you ♥️
25 years for me as well. My husband recently, unexpectedly passed away in April. Realizing now how bad it actually was for me and our daughter.

L. Williams

2y↑1

Amen 🙏🏾 sista, friend!

g r

2y↑1

And knowledge is freedom.

Ess Njora

Wow! Honestly, you are a fighter.

Lovina Johnson

2y↑1

Freedom is happiness! I finally left and then divorced his gaslighting, narcisist ass! Wish I knew about this when I was younger, but definitely spreading the word and mostly teaching my daughters…

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Linda Killion

2y↑1

Very informative—thank you. What if it’s a sibling who is the narcissist and who also does gaslighting to you? They’re the only family you have left!

Mélanie Paré

2y↑1

This video really hit it home for me. My son’s father used to gaslight me on very big issues, so I see a lot of him (and me) in what you are saying. A sentence he used a couple of times on me was « Even you could find someone else out there if you were to ‘put yourself back on the market’ », which, to my point of view, is even worst than « you’re lucky I put up with you ».

Bob Langford

2y↑1

Pythonaria

2y↑14

My mother did some of this. Every time we had a falling out when I was a teenager, she ran to our neighbour to tell her how bad I was - conveniently forgetting to tell said neighbour that she'd just battered me, often with my father's leather belt. I left home as soon as I was old enough and never looked back.

Crystal Means

1y↑2

This is Crystal, I haven't spoken to them in a year. I can honestly say, for the first time in 56 years, I am happy.

CanineMama1

@Crystal Means So sad. Yes, some of those “Christians” very hypocritical. Scary people. I hope your life is much better now, away from all that chaos. ❤

William Porter

1y↑1

@Crystal Means Don't blame Christianity for this.

Cynthia Hill

1y↑1

@Crystal Means that sounds worse than gaslighting.... Sounds like a horror movie... I sincerely hope you're in a better place away from these people... 💜

Crystal Means

2y↑1

My sister was different she straight out lied, she had her friends who I didn't know were her friends, I thought they were my friends. This friend had a brother who my supposed friend told me I was going to see. They had me boxed in. My sister destroyed the already messed up family life, my friend was telling lies about me at school. They were supposed to completely isolate me, then the boyfriend was supposed to dump me. They tried to push me to suicide, I returned home everyone angry, I asked my sister why is everyone so angry at me. She doesn't know, she my loose friend ex boyfriend, ex-husband. Nothing was real my boyfriend, my husband, friends, relationships in my hometown everything was acting. They would get mad, then I would be gone they need me back. The anger was real the making up was phoney, they wanted to control and know everything about me. It was okay though I deserved it because I am not Christians like they are

Kitty Kat

2y↑2

I really like this! I never thought about things in this way enough to see how I was being manipulated with false beliefs about my self. Thank you. I enjoy being a member of your channel and enjoy gaining from your perceptions and perspective.

Iiwii

3y↑152

Something I’ve heard all my life is, “you’re way too sensitive.” There are times when that’s true, but often it’s just used to excuse really nasty behavior.

Wolf Pack

Thank You. I often hear this. I am too sensitive - from my ex and his family. No matter what I do, I am always on the wrong. They’re always on the right and they embrace all the mistakes and make the other side bad. Thank You for this validation.

Iiwii

@Bill Van Dorn Your non sequiturs have nothing to do with my original comment or anyone else’s. It would make more sense if you started your own comment thread.

Bill Van Dorn

Before you go into a new room with new people, try doing a personal assessment of how you feel. As you continue to do this try and establish your identify a baseline.

And every time you go into a room see if you can notice a change in your emotions and see if you can identify the person who might be displaying those emotions. Observe and be cognizant to see just how sensitive you are.

I don't know where the line is drawn between being sensitive and being an empath however it's a good learning experience.

I always ask for guidance and protection (so it's not to absorb it) and it seems to help

Iiwii

2y↑2

@rufanuf1 I have a sister who’s a narcissist. I cut her out of my life and it was the best decision I ever made. Sadly you have to protect yourself from some people even if they’re family.

rufanuf1

2y↑1

I grew up sensitive thankfully. It gave me the tools to understand the gaslighting of my eldest siblings, who used the technique to steal hundreds of thousands of pounds from me. One sibling lying to the other, BOTH willing to accept the lies as it suits their agendas. Both willing to lie to their own children about the reasons for the family becoming broken. They are now out of my life. It was an expensive lesson learning about Narcissism and sad as it was in the family unit, and once again being an empath, what concerns me most? The impact living under the auspices of Narcisistic parents will have on my siblings adult children? Its hard to live a decent life living in a distorted view of the world created by gaslighting.

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skath woelya

I found this video to be very reassuring. It empowers people to understand their own past and move on from it.

Chris Cooper

2y↑11

I walked away from a 7 year relationship because of all of these that you just mentioned. I did not know anything about Gaslighting but your examples are spot on. My gosh, the emotional anguish is astonishing. I need a mental vacation because of it!!

Mariposa

2y↑27

I found out I had a benign brain tumor. My mother responded with “Ive been getting headaches all the time too”. 😳 When something serious happens to you and the narc comes out with a way to upstage or minimize you: Gaslighting. I spent three months getting treatment alone in another country where I lived and she said she couldn’t come because she had four other vacations already planned. It made me weak and even sicker during treatment hearing that because I took it very hard. When I tried to talk to her about it, she said I was making it up! She was so angry and threw tantrum. Then she acted even more irrational. If I told you what happened, you’d think I was lying! Then in a few hours she acted like nothing happened and I was left with this traumatic situation. She then pushed an apology on me and pretty much told me that I was wrong. She is a Christian as am I, but she uses her faith to her advantage and will tell you that Satan is in you. 🥺Yes. It’s a lot! To this day, she never asks about my health, never checks in to make sure my tumor is ok. Nothing. Im an empath and 45, and healthy but I’ve separated myself emotionally from a narcissistic parent who wasn’t going to change. And I’m happily married! 🥰 I just pray for her because I’m sad her mindset isn’t right. She’s 71. Not sure she will change but anything is possible with God! 🕊🕊🕊

Leesa Tellez

@Colin Sanders Don’t speak about God like that. You might not believe in him, but I do. God is great!

bellaluce

@Mariposa My jaw was literally dropped reading your story. I'm so sorry for all you have been through! I understand this part all too well: "If I told you what happened, you'd think I was lying!" I'm guessing there are many of us watching videos like this who can relate to that! Wishing you well, heart, soul, and body. ❤

Redrose_ 196

@Maripisa I am sorry you had to put with that from your mother 😢 I can imagine how badly it hurts especially when we are empaths. I do have similar kind of parents and it's frustrating to deal with them.

Hope you are getting better. Best wishes 💕

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Jonathan

The easiest way not to get gaslit is to know yourself. I know my weaknesses and strengths. I know my skills and competencies. I have learned to tune it out. And if I am not left alone I will completely stop all contact. I did this with my family for ten years.

H D Denton

I'm going to take a little bit of issue with this video. I was just recently in a relationship and one of the things in this video I definitely did and it's something that I regretted and I apologized to her for and took ownership of. Now what led up to that was a mission of something because I was friends with someone that she did not like and I was completely open with her and told her every time that I would talk to this person and she would get upset even though I told her from the very beginning that I was friends with this person so I quit telling her about the conversations and eventually she found out that I was talking to her and like a dumbass I lied and she had proof and I still denied which was definitely gaslighting. Now the omission of me talking to this person and the reason that I was omitting was not gaslighting even though yes it was wrong. This person was emotionally abusive towards me throwing insults anytime she was angry and it was something that she was in counseling for and I was willing to work with her through and there were lots of times when she was angry she would say that I said something which sometimes was something I did not say or she would leave out the rest of what I said as part of her argument and going by this video me telling her I did not say that or I do not remember saying that was gaslighting. This girl had a fear of Abandonment and a fear of being cheated on which neither I would have ever done but she did end up ghosting after a counseling appointment and this video made me think about it what if her counselor had the same philosophy and she was hearing that one side of the story would I be painted as emotionally abusive and a gas lighter and someone that was going to cheat on her? I did a lot to try to help her feel secure and she felt like she was not worthy or not good enough and I constantly reassured her and even though she tried to get me to insult her during an argument I absolutely refused because I wasn't going to give her what her ex gave her but a video like this seems like it could honestly confuse the hell out of someone.

Rachel Randall

3y↑451

God, I feel so validated. My ex would just say cruel, graphic, violent things on a daily basis, and when I objected, he'd always say, "You're too sensitive, you can't take a joke." I never knew that could be considered gaslighting.

Common Tater

@mitchell That's a fantastic question. Sometimes we need a "reality check." Children sometimes think that they need to gouge out their siblings eyes because they have a better toy. It's up to the adults to correct their perception of reality.

Deena Stephens

2y↑1

@Linda Parker I work with one who said to my face she likes to cast stones then feign innocence. That person is intentionally causing discord. There is no purpose for this and goes right into psychopath personality disorder. Basically she’s a narcissist with self aggrandized perception of herself who thinks she’s the most intelligent in the room. Ignore generally works for me.

mitchell

@Chiaro Scuro I'm free of that environment, thanks

Olivia

2y↑1

Wow I’ve literally heard both of those things by my ex. That sucks..

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Filmdocta

2y↑5

I've been dealing with this for over 20 years and just realized that this has been happening to me like clockwork . Thanks I could never figure out what was wrong until I left the relationship and had time to reflect. wow! what a waste of time

Jennifer Henderson

2y↑1

Thank you so much for making this very important video!! I wish I could have learned this years ago, before I married a gaslighter. I had been thinking it was just me. It is horrible that people do this, but it did make me feel better to know that I am really okay. I did notice that a lot of the self doubt vanished once he died. It is taking time but I am slowly getting myself back to the happy, productive and confident person I was before I met him.

Don Bolinger

1y↑2

Amazing informative video. The main thing I learned is a genuine "gasligher" will be the first to make an accusation of being "gaslighted". A genuine "narcissist" will be the first to accuse another person/persons of being "narcissistic". A judgemental person will be the first to judge another person/persons. Usually the first passage of judgement is to judge another person as being "so judgemental".

KarmaLyyfe ENT

2y↑2

Man a large group of people have been doing this to me for about 3-4 years! Eventually I just stopped giving a shit about what they were talking about but people still try and do it to this day! I’ve even unintentionally done some of these myself, I had no idea what gaslighting even was until this year! Thanks for these tips, I’m on to them now 😂😂

Daralynn Dehnicke

I always loved this one..."I can see now why someone in your past beat the hell out of you".

Denise Baran

3y↑1.9K

I actually started to hit record on my smartphone as soon as my husband came home. Recorded until I went to bed, so I could listen to it later to confirm for myself that I was not the crazy one.

tukhorse

@q84 if you say so that's okay by me

q84

@tukhorse 1. It was just for her to confirm.
2. It's legal in nearly all (US-) States.

tukhorse

@Denise Baran wow you still have the recordings can we call the girls over on Thursday night and listen to him again

tukhorse

Let me get this straight you women are not getting along with your husbands so you start taping the arguments that you two are involved in he doesn't know that it's being recorded you do and you somehow turn out to be the angel 😇. I have four grandsons and I hope they never get married

Kristen Connolly

Guessing it's safe to say he's not your husband anymore? 🤔

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Megan R

2y↑28

I’ve been in a relationship with a gaslighter. We’ve been married 6 years now and after my phase of “depression” and feeling bad about the whole thing, I no longer care. I’m financially on my feet and able to support myself so I don’t have to worry about not having a dime now. Once you get out of their grip, it feels good. The not having a dime really got to me. I wasn’t allowed to buy things for our kids or ANYTHING AT ALL.

Megan R

2y↑2

@Janice Tribbiani yes, I am. It’s going. Some days are better than others. We have two kids and they are the ones I worry about.
I became financially independent because he controlled every single penny and wouldn’t let me have any spending money. I also found hobbies and things I like to do on my own so I don’t have to “depend” on him for my happiness- church, playing piano/singing and even listening to music. I love to read as well. Keeping busy and having friends is a MUST with someone like my husband. The more independent I have become, the happier I have been. When we first got married 6 years ago, he tried to isolate me from all my family and friends. That is the WORST thing someone can do. NEVER get rid of your friends. He would “punish” me when I would talk to my mom and make my life miserable when I would “go against” him and his wishes. It was absolutely horrid but I never let him think it was ok to talk down to me and the more he has pushed me, the harder I have pushed back. I DEMAND respect even though he doesn’t give it. In short, I have found happiness but expecting him to give respect and the care due a wife is just more than he is capable of. He NEVER sees that he has done anything wrong and I am always the cause of all our relationship problems. “If I wouldn’t have such a big mouth, if I wouldn’t be so rebellious, then everything would be fine” etc etc… that’s all he says and it’s all a bunch of lies. Two weeks after we married, he asked for a divorce. That was so devastating. All because he felt I was dirty, lazy and couldn’t clean house and he wanted out of the marriage. I really wish I had left then but then I wouldn’t have my wonderful boys. I kind of wish I could get out of the relationship at times but I also know our boys love their dad so I am staying due to that. I could get out but I just haven’t had enough yet. I probably need to go to therapy to get some peace or something to get more peace but I am basically happy if I don’t interact with him. Being financially independent has been the best thing though.
I’m not sure if all I said makes sense but this has been my life and there is a way to have a good life even with a terrible person. I have really had to let go of a lot of dreams and goals in life though and that’s the worst part… wanting to be a stay at home mother for one(at least until the kids were in school- I have a one year old). I love my job though so it’s not as bad I guess.

Janice Tribbiani

2y↑3

Are you still with this person? How’s it going?

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billy goat

2y↑1

My father was very overt in his emotional abuse. He would berate me for hours, until i would brake down in emotional rage. He did this often during my early teen years, almost every night for years, lectures for several hours into the early morning. The strange thing that he would do was to bring me to a screaming, crying rage, and then get a smile of satisfaction in doing so. He would say things like "I cant wait to see you fail and fall flat on your face". He would make fun of me for things I liked to do. He tore me down and put me down in front of others, and would say things like "it takes a man" when I did something the wrong way. I felt my spirit in me sink literally to my knees many times.. This is emotional abuse, and it has a very devastating effect on a persons self worth. Its strange that one can still "love" someone who does this to there very own children. My parents took care of my basic needs of food ,clothing and shelter, but never took care to give any emotional love. It was like I was in a home where I was more of a burden than a blessing to my parents. I am old now, they have been dead for decades yet there effect still lingers deep in my heart. The bible talks about love as the most supreme important spirit in our lives. We can have knowledge of mysteries, have faith to move mountains, give all that we have to feed the poor, give our bodies to be burned, yet have not love, it profits us nothing. (1 Cor.13) Religion without love is useless. That is where I went to find worth, it was plain to me after many years that this is so. Without love, nothing matters.

Kitty Kat

2y↑1

My mother was angry all the time as a passive-aggressive, but I never saw that form of gaslighting of her being a "happy person". I always thought she was happy in her life. Acting things out is another form of gaslighting for me, because she was acting like a happy person when she was really angry and passive aggressive every chance she could get.. That kind of stuff really messed with my own happiness and sanity. Thanks for that awareness.

Kitty Kat

Excellent that you bring up, "Nobody likes you". This is the main thing they use with isolation to make you a recluse. Happy, healthy socializing is what I used to love. People did like me when I was little. Why wouldn't they? But their gaslighting (and virtual gangstalking) using this technique really made me believe that they did not like me and no one could, would, or ever did. THANK YOU, Christina! 👁‍🗨This helps me change very negative core beliefs. Maybe I really am a rose. 🏵

Io non canto

2y↑2

You just described my not so dearly departed stepmother and a former friend of mine that I once considered my best friend. I was too young to understand how toxic my stepmom was. However, I was quite a bit older when I met my former friend. She was lovely in the beginning, but I did not know that was the grooming process wrapped up in love bombing. When everything turns into a bitch session of her commiserating or needing someone to commis right with on who had the worst life (I call it the suffering Olympics the game where everyone loses) I knew there was something off about her. Because I'm what is known as a rescuer, I kept trying to help her. Giving her solutions and advice were met with resistance. She could have received a blessing from the Pope himself and she would have been dissatisfied. Also, putting herself on a pedestal and trying to make herself seem important seem to be one of her favorite pastimes. She could have met legendary astronaut Buzz Aldrin and then also claim to have been to the moon. It's worth pointing out, she was a older woman, nearly twice my age and had two kids that she neglected and a husband that she repeatedly claimed was abusing her. I later came to realize, that if it fell out of her mouth, it was most likely a half truth, a lie, or a made up story simply to get attention. If it wasn't for the videos of the wonderful Dr. Ramani, I wouldn't have been able to figure out that she was, in fact, a covert narcissist. Just to give you an idea of how my former friend did not respect boundaries, in addition to outing me to my extremely conservative, homophobic Italian Roman Catholic father, the day he died she said and I quote: “Well, you two never got along anyway.“ That's just one example.

After cutting her off completely, I heard from a mutual friend that I was able to wake up to her toxic waves, that she flipped out and threw a tantrum that would have embarrassed a toddler all because I blocked her on all my social media and changed my cell phone number. Of course, I heard of the grapevine, that she was presenting a fictional account of events in which I was the butthole and she was the victim. If it wasn't for the grace of God, I would not have been able to forgive her, I just don't ever want to see her again.

Jessica Thomas

3y↑2.8K

Oh and when you have a chronic illness that affects your memory function, it's a lot easier for gaslighters to do their damage.

Breezi

In that boat

Rocky Road Creations

My husband uses my hearing problems. " you heard that wrong".

Dragon Rider

@Jessica Thomas I'm glad the man got away from you, you seem really fun at party's

Your Mom

@Britt oh my goodness I can relate 😢 hope you’re ok

Jennifer Carelli

❤️

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Kitty Kat

2y↑1

Consistency is another very good point. Changes happen in life with consistency that would not otherwise happen. Consistency is what shows true intent to make it real. And it really does make it real for the victim who is shaky or just learning who they are and need consistency to make it real for them. Consistency is what makes confidence. Thanks for your approach to understand gaslighting techniques that tend to have the most profound and deleterious effects on sensitive individuals not yet rooted and grounded with their sense of self and their firm with their boundaries. Your kind of education makes for useful boundary defense.

Harris Fleming

It seems like there'd be a very fine line between what she terms "unintentionally gaslighting" by trying to helping a child to recognize that a scrape isn't the end of the world and teaching the child resilience and to learn that most pain and injuries are temporary. (And just part of life sometimes)

Kitty Kat

You have unparalleled empathy for me, Christina. When you talk you help connect me with my negative emotions and help me get through them, somehow. You are like either a very good mother, or a very good and gentle woman in what you do. I am unconnected with what empathy is, but I was used for my apparent incredible ability to do it for others. Does that sound odd.? Absolutely no one had any caring or empathy for me, which may have not been that bad, but I needed empathy for all of the extreme burdens of responsibility I was given for the happiness and wellbeing of my entire family, especially MY PARENTS! I grew up as an absolute neurotic mess because of this nasty bind I was put in.⚰ It was my job to parent my parents and I was punished if I did not do it and do a very good job. My value of how well I did it was my ONLY value. Thanks for your ability to empathize with victims of severe narcissitic abuse, especially for people who had BOTH parents afflicted with it.

Karen Christian

I seemed to be able to tick all those behaviours that would indicate that I am an abuser. However, I feel like in my relationship, I am the abused. My partner twists things around , confuses me, pulls events from our past that I just don't remember, accuses me of lying, misremembering... the list goes on. I feel crazy. I never know when I'm going to be in trouble. I feel like everything I do is wrong. How can I fit the list so well but feel it's not true, it's not me? My partner terrorizes me to the point that I am paralyzed to do the simplest thing.

Co

2y↑1

So true and unfortunately mostly mistaken for humorous or not carrying bad intentions by most people around the victim. Contact zero is the only answer. Very well explained, thank you 🙏

Patrick McKibben

1y↑1

The part that has bothered me the most in the past is what happens when they aren’t even around. It’s that voice in the back of my head that causes me to stop and even want to mentally argue with it. Something as small as picking up a box at home and I can’t stop imagining the dissonance that would likely be said. “You’re lifting with your back,” “Stop holding your breath,” “You’re doing it wrong,” “You’re weak,” etc. It took me a long time to realize that if I’m constantly hearing someone else’s voice in my head that I’m being mentally or emotionally abused.

Kelly Davis

2y↑382

You just described every conversation with my mother. Several years ago, I told her she can only speak to me if she's nice. At the first nasty little jab, I hang up. No argument. No "Mom you're doing it again". It has made my life so much better.

Connie Vino

@drspastic Parents do not provoke your children to anger. See, God loves children too Not just awful parents.

Connie Vino

I wish I did that. I had that control for a a long time but never knew it. Good for you and Happy New Year.

Smitha Shekhar

@drspastic honour those who deserve it.

Marc D

@Deliza & Aurora Gaslighting a child is telling them he/her can accomplish anything and that they can be anything they want to be when they grow up, or that they are handsome/pretty.

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Diane Vitale

2y↑31

It's Hell having to deal with someone like this, and not have a way out.

D R

2y↑7

It was not until I learned the term ‘gaslighting’ that I was no longer driven crazy by it, when
I learned to step away and breathe and remember and understand exactly what was said, I was immune.

D R

2y↑1

@Cristina Torregiani Yeah well, I guess I am not immune, but at least now I recognise the signs, so long as I can keep cool, which is bloody difficult as the days go on, lol.

Cristina Torregiani

Happened the same to me, identical!

chrisradano

2y↑3

My mother has been gaslighting me for years. I rarely speak to her now. It really is the only answer. I felt better to accept I can't ever get "revenge" or expect her to change.

Doris

Good points... sometimes I like to dish it back or take it as a compliment "I'm sensitive... YES I am very environmentally intelligent thankyou that was very perceptive on your part... so getting back to what we were talking about..." They are often caught off guard and because they are a narcissist giving them the compliment can be disarming because they don't want to contradict a compliment.

S McB

2y↑3

When I was first told I was too sensitive they also said they should be more sensitive to me… they never were and it helped me open my eyes to the gaslighting. If I’m sensitive and you aren’t taking better care of me than you are insensitive… and thats exactly what it was.

Tom Wilson

3y↑235

I was married for twenty years to a woman that never loved me. I was just a resource for her to get the things that she always wanted. All along, she'd tell her family lies about me to get sympathy for herself. I had frequent migraine headaches so severe that I thought they would kill me. After twenty years of that, I found a cure...divorce. Had I not gotten out, I would not have survived. "Where there's life, there's hope!"

Tonya Brookes

I'm glad you got out! Wishing you much peace going forward

AndJon And

@Dawn M. La Madeleine i

Proanimaluver

I'm glad you made it out, not all women are bad

Tammie Knuth

@Vit D that's old and when lies are in play and done according to their own ways after you told ty them what way to do it walk away. They lost you the first and second. Rules equals standards and boundaries you have set up for yourself to prevent the same type of relationship (s) ; especially if one has never done that before. It's not easy but I still stand on my own truth literally.

Kimberly Elliott

God bless!!! ❤

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Emily Tienne

Information is power. If you can recognize gaslighting as it’s happening, you can defend yourself.

Lorraine McGhee

2y↑1

Thank you. I'm glad that I came across your videos. You are truly helping me and others who are going through this presently and/or been in a/several situations. Do not stop teaching us because we/your audiences are listening to this and taking it seriously. Blessings to you from all of us..🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩

Human Essence

What ruined me for a while was the fact that family thought it was ok to tell me how I am allowed to feel. Just bc it was not their intent (supposedly) doesn't mean it didn't hurt of that I am not allowed to be upset about it. I always thought "why can u say that but I can not say you are an ass for making me feel that way and since I feel that way it was def on purpose and def intended to get a jab in

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