Shakespearean Pie
Robert Lund Lyrics

A long, long time ago
In a distant past

I can still remember
I have clear recollections

How, alas, poor Yorick's jokes drew groans
Unfortunately, Yorick's jokes were not well-received

He'd dance and sing and kiss my hand
He would entertain and show affection towards me

Like Elsinore was Neverland
As if Elsinore was a magical place like Neverland

But then he went and joined the Skull and Bones
But then he became a member of a secret society

And now, Horatio, I get shivers
Now, Horatio, I get chills

With every line the ghost delivers
With every line the ghost speaks

All the Globe has been dark
The Globe Theatre has been closed

'Cause something rots in Denmark
Because something is rotten in Denmark

I can't recall a thing as weird
I cannot remember anything as strange

As when dear old Daddy reappeared
When my dear old father appeared again

To say that he'd been poison-eared
To say that he had been poisoned in the ear

The day King Hamlet died
On the day King Hamlet died

So: To be or to choose not to be?
So, to exist or to decide not to exist?

That's the question I'm digestin' in my soliloquy
That is the question I am contemplating in my solo speech

And when fortune aims its slings and arrows at me
And when fate throws its challenges my way

Tell me how I'm gonna live through Act III?
Tell me how I am going to survive Act III?

Answer, please, iambically
Reply, using iambic meter

Did you like Shakespeare in Love?
Did you enjoy Shakespeare in Love?

And did you rewind for scansion of
And did you rewind to analyze the meter of

Gwyneth with her wardrobe gone?
Gwyneth Paltrow without her costumes?

Now, do you believe in English Lit?
Now, do you have faith in English Literature?

Is brevity the soul of wit?
Is being concise the essence of wit?

If so, then why's this bloody play so long?
If that's the case, then why is this play so lengthy?

Well, I know this role has real cachet
Well, I understand that this role is highly esteemed

For each Branagh and Olivier
For each Kenneth Branagh and Laurence Olivier

Mel Gibson draws blood nice
Mel Gibson portrays violence effectively

Man, I dig that Passion of Christ!
Man, I really appreciate The Passion of the Christ!

I was a young, great Dane in British schools
I was a young Danish person studying in British schools

With my pet Ophelia and a dad who rules
With my beloved Ophelia and a father who is in charge

But I knew we'd been played for fools
But I knew we had been deceived

The day King Hamlet died
On the day King Hamlet died

So here's the question: To be or choose rather to be
So here's the question: To exist or choose a different form of existence

Suicidal or to idle apathetically
To die by suicide or to live without purpose

Or is volition all it's cracked up to be
Or is having control over our actions as great as it is said to be

If 'to die, to sleep, to dream' is lovely?
If dying, sleeping, and dreaming are pleasant?

(Please explain the question to me)
(Please clarify the question for me)

Less than two months since the obit ran
Less than two months since the obituary was published

And Lord knows, frailty, thy name's wo-man:
And God knows, women are the embodiment of fragility

My dumbass uncle wears Dad's ring
My foolish uncle wears my father's ring

So I set the stage for a royal sting
So I prepared for an elaborate plan to expose the truth to the king

What a script! I thought, The play's the thing
What a plan! I thought, The play is the key

Where I'll catch the conscience of the king
Where I will make the king feel guilt

Oh, and while the king enjoyed the show
Oh, and while the king found pleasure in the performance

The players showed him whack his bro
The actors demonstrated him killing his brother

The king stomped off and cried
The king stormed off and wept

O.J. yelled Homicide!
O.J. Simpson shouted Homicide!

So Let's Make a Deal, Queen Mother, who
So, Queen Mother, let's make a deal, who

Is behind curtain number two?
Is hidden behind curtain number two?

How now, a rat? I sliced him through
Wait, is that a rat? I stabbed it

The day Polonius died
On the day Polonius died

I was thinking: To be or to go with Plan B?
I was contemplating: To exist or to follow an alternative plan?

Is it nobler just to soldier on Shakespeareanly
Is it more admirable to endure stoically in a Shakespearean manner

Or fly off to the undiscovered country?
Or escape to the unknown land?

Thus my conscience makes a coward of me
Therefore, my conscience makes me a coward

Get me to a fun nunnery
Take me to a convent for entertainment

Hanky panky? Nope, Ophelia's cranky
Sexual activity? No, Ophelia is irritable

Could she be ticked that I nailed that Yankee?
Could she be upset that I had an affair with that American?

Maybe 'cause I knifed her dad?
Perhaps because I murdered her father?

She shouted Foul! in her wrath
She exclaimed 'Foul!' in her anger

You'll never tread on my primrose path!
You will never spoil my innocent way of life!

(Guess my joke 'bout 'country matters' made her mad)
(I suppose my joke about sexual activities upset her)

Now, the nymph went nutso north-northwest
Now, the beautiful young woman went crazy in an illogical direction

Went and took a swim completely dressed
Went and submerged herself fully clothed

She sank just like a ship
She sank just like a ship

So here's the moral: skinny-dip!
So, here's the lesson: go skinny-dipping!

Poor Laertes missed his tour de France
Laertes missed his opportunity to travel through France

But, merde, this ain't no cheap romance
But, damn, this is not a shallow love story

(Ask Guildenstern and Rosencrantz)
(Inquire with Guildenstern and Rosencrantz)

The day Ophelia died
On the day Ophelia died

I kept on thinking: To be or to other-than-be?
I kept contemplating: To exist or to be something other than existence?

That's the question! Screw depression! Death sounds painless to me
That is the question! Forget about depression! Death sounds painless to me

This too too solid flesh should melt melt like brie
This dense physical body should melt like brie cheese

And resolve into a fondue for me
And become a fondue for me

Serve it with some crumpets and tea
Serve it with some crumpets and tea

Oh, and there we were all in one place
Oh, and there we all were in the same location

Equipped with poison, swords, and Mace
Armed with poison, swords, and Mace pepper spray

With Fortune there to shape our ends
With Fortune present to determine our fates

So come on - fence me nimble, fence me quick
So come on - engage in a fencing duel with me, quick and agile

Don't tase me, bro, with your tainted prick
Don't stun me, bro, with your poisoned rapier

Or bet your royal ass we're foiled again
Or you can be sure that we will be thwarted once more

So Laertes and I both got poked
So Laertes and I both got stabbed

Mom drank some Chinese lead-based Coke
My mother consumed a beverage contaminated with Chinese lead

The king was S.O.L.
The king was out of luck

Thus ends his sworded tale
So ends his tale of swords

I said, My name ees Hamlet Junior, guy
I said, My name is Hamlet Jr., friend

You keeled my dad; prepare to die
You killed my father; get ready to die

(Yes, I stole that from The Princess Bride)
(Yes, I borrowed that line from The Princess Bride)

The day King Claudius died
On the day King Claudius died

Here's the question: To be or choose alternately?
Here's the question: To exist or choose a different option?

That's the question I'm processin' in Scene I of Act III
That is the question I am contemplating in Scene I of Act III

To end these shocks or bear them heart-achingly
To bring an end to these shocks or to endure them painfully

Quoting Sonnet Number 73?
By quoting Sonnet Number 73?

(That one's too depressing for me)
(That one is too sad for me)

(Soft you now)
(Be quiet now)

I met a girl named Juliet
I met a girl named Juliet

And her boyfriend, whose name I forget
And her boyfriend, whose name I cannot remember

(What's in a name, man, anyway?)
(What does a name really mean, anyway?)

I led Othello to his death
I caused Othello to die

And made life a bitch for King Macbeth
And made life difficult for King Macbeth

Till the Bard said, Dude, you're in a different play
Until the playwright said, Dude, you're in a different play

So meanwhile back at Elsinore
So meanwhile, back at Elsinore

A bunch of guys come to mop the floor
A group of guys arrive to clean the floor

It's Fortinbras's legions
It's Fortinbras's armies

I guess we're now Norwegians
I suppose we're now Norwegians

And the three co-stars I riled most: Laertes, Mom, and King Claudi-os
And the three co-stars I angered the most: Laertes, my mother, and King Claudius

Went off to hang with Daddy's ghost
Went off to spend time with my father's ghost

The day Prince Hamlet died
On the day Prince Hamlet died

I see dead people...
I see deceased individuals...

To be or choose oppositely?
To exist or choose the opposite?

Are we tougher if we suffer indefatigably
Are we stronger if we endure tirelessly

Or take up arms against a turbulent sea
Or fight against a tumultuous situation

Of the troubles fortune's slinging at me?
Of the troubles that fate is throwing at me?

Screw it - let's go watch some TV
Forget it - let's go watch some television

We were thinking: To be or to not freaking be
We were contemplating: To exist or to not freaking exist

That's the question we're obsessin' 'bout interminably
That is the question we are endlessly fixated on

But as for us, the answer's clear: Not to be
But as for us, the answer is clear: Not to exist

Caught in this Shakespearean tragedy!
Trapped in this Shakespearean tragedy!

(Horatio:) Good-night, sweet prince.
(Horatio:) Goodnight, dear prince.

(Hamlet:) I'm not quite dead...
(Hamlet:) I am not completely dead...