Master Of The House
Sacha Baron Cohen; Helena Bonham Carter; Les Misérables Cast Lyrics

My band of soaks, my den of dissolutes
My group of drunkards, my gathering of morally corrupt individuals

My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
My lewd humor, my constant state of being drunk

My sons of whores spend there lives in my inn
My employees, who are untrustworthy and immoral, work at my inn

Homing pigeons homing in
Customers flock to my inn like homing pigeons

They fly through my doors
Customers eagerly enter my inn

And they crawl out on all fours
Customers leave my inn, drunk and disheveled

Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
Hello, sir, please take a seat

And meet the best innkeeper in town
Meet me, the greatest innkeeper in this area

As for the rest, all of 'em crooks
Other innkeepers are dishonest scoundrels

Rooking their guests and crooking the books
They swindle their customers and falsify their records

Seldom do you see
It's rare to find

Honest men like me
Someone as trustworthy as I am

A gent of good intent
A man who means well

Who's content to be
Who is happy to be

Master of the house, doling out the charm
As the innkeeper, I charm and entertain my guests

Ready with a handshake and an open palm
I greet my guests with a welcoming handshake and offer them my help

Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
I share scandalous stories to create excitement and interest

Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
My guests enjoy the company of someone who knows how to live life to the fullest

Glad to do a friend a favor
I'm happy to help out a friend in need

Doesn't cost me to be nice
There's no cost to being friendly

But nothing gets you nothing
You have to give something to get something

Everything has got a little price!
Everything has a cost

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
As the innkeeper, I'm in charge of a group of unruly and wild individuals

Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
I'm always prepared to take a little bit of money from my guests

Watering the wine, making up the weight
I'll cheat my customers by diluting their wine or adding fake weights to cheat them out of their money

Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
I'll steal anything they forget when they're too drunk to notice

Everybody loves a landlord
Everyone enjoys having an innkeeper to take care of them

Everybody's bosom friend
Everyone considers me their close friend

I do whatever pleases Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end
I'll do whatever I want to my guests, and in the end, I'll extort them for all they're worth

Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
My presence is hard to miss in my own inn

Never wants a passerby to pass him by
I always make sure to draw in anyone who passes by my inn

Servant to the poor, butler to the great
I serve everyone, regardless of their wealth or status

Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate
I am there for my guests in every way possible

Everybody's boon companion, everybody's chaperon
I am a friend to everyone who enters my inn and make sure they are safe

But lock up your valises
But be sure to lock away your valuables

Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone
Because I'll take everything else you have

Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
The food we serve is amazing and unbelievable

Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
We'll take some questionable meat and try to pass it off as beef

Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
We're not picky about the ingredients we use for our dishes

Filling up the sausages with this and that
We'll add any leftover scraps to our sausage mixture

Residents are more than welcome
Guests can stay with us for as long as they please

Bridal suite is occupied
Our best room is currently taken by newlyweds

Reasonable charges
We charge reasonable prices for our services

Plus some little extras on the side! (Yes yes oh Santa!)
Plus some other charges we can tack on for extra profit (with a sarcastic Santa reference)

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
We'll charge guests for anything they come across in our inn, like vermin

Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
We'll even charge guests for looking in our mirrors more than once

Here a little slice, there a little cut
We'll add small charges here and there for anything we can think of

Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
We'll even charge guests for things they can't control, like whether or not they close a window

When it comes to fixing prices
When it comes to setting the prices

There are a lot of tricks I knows
I know a lot of ways to trick my guests into paying more

How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
And all of these little charges add up to an absurdly high cost

Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!
It's incredible how much money we can make off these small charges

I used to dream that I would meet a prince
I once had high hopes of finding a wealthy and noble husband

But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
But look at where I am now!

Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit!
The innkeeper? He's not even worth my saliva

Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong shit!
He thinks he's so wise and helpful, but really he's just an idiot

Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
He thinks he's so clever, like Voltaire

Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
He thinks he's a great lover, but he's really not impressive

What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
Why did I have to end up with such a terrible husband?

God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!
I don't know how I've been able to stand living with him for so long!

Master of the house!
The innkeeper!

Master and a half!
The innkeeper who thinks he's important!

Comforter, philosopher
The supposed wise and helpful innkeeper

Don't make me laugh!
He's a joke!

Servant to the poor, butler to the great
He serves everyone, regardless of their status

Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!
But he's really just a hypocrite, a servant, and a drunk!

Everybody bless the landlord!
Everyone praises the innkeeper!

Everybody bless his spouse!
Everyone praises his wife!

Everybody raise a glass
Everyone, let's all cheers!

Raise it up the master's arse
Let's stick it to the innkeeper!

Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!
Cheers to the innkeeper!