Master Of The House
Sacha Baron Cohen Helena Bonham Carter & Les Misérables Cast Lyrics

My band of soaks, my den of dissolutes
These are my friends and regulars, whom I love, but they are drunk and debauched.

My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
We tell crude jokes and we are always drunk.

My sons of whores (no, no, no, no not tonight) spend their lives in my inn
Prostitutes' sons frequent my inn, except for tonight.

Homing pigeons homing in They fly through my doors And they crawl out on all fours
The prostitutes in my inn come in as customers, but leave crawling out because of intoxication.

Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down And meet the best innkeeper in town
Greetings, sir, please take a seat and meet the best innkeeper in town.

As for the rest, all of 'em crooks: Rooking their guests and cooking the books Seldom do you see Honest men like me
The other innkeepers are crooks, robbing guests and altering their books. Few are honest like me.

A gent of good intent Who's content to be Master of the house, doling out the charm Ready with a handshake and an open palm
I am a good-natured person, happy to be the innkeeper providing hospitality with kind words and an open hand.

Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir Customers appreciate a bon-viveur Glad to do a friend a favor Doesn't cost me to be nice But nothing gets you nothing Everything has got a little price!
I entertain the customers with risqué stories, and they like my charm. I am happy to do a favor for a friend, but I expect something in return.

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two Watering the wine, making up the weight Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
I am the master of the house, running a chaotic zoo for customers. I cheat them by adding water to their wine and adding weight to their food items. I also take advantage of their drunkenness by stealing their belongings.

Everybody loves a landlord Everybody's bosom friend I do whatever pleases Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!
Everyone loves a landlord - I am their close friend. I do whatever pleases them initially, but eventually, I rip them off.

Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye Never was a passerby to pass him by Servant to the poor, butler to the great Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
As the master of the house, I am quick to catch one's attention. I serve the poor and cater to the elite. I am all in one, a comforter, philosopher, and a lifelong buddy.

Everybody's boon companion Everybody's chaperone But lock up your valises Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!
Everyone sees me as a helpful friend and guide, but beware; I will rob you blind.

Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat Filling up the sausages with this and that
Our food is unbeatable, beyond the imagination. We add miscellaneous ingredients to our sausages pretending that it is actual beef.

Residents are more than welcome Bridal suite is occupied Reasonable charges Plus some little extras on the side! (Oh Santa!)
Our residents are welcome, and we have a bride staying in our suite. We have nominal charges, and we will add extra charges as required.

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice Two percent for looking in the mirror twice (Hand it over!) Here a little slice, there a little cut Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
We charge extra for lice and mice, extra for vanity purposes. We cut you a slice of our profit here and there, and we charge extra for sleeping with the window shut.

When it comes to fixing prices There are a lot of tricks I knows How it all increases, all them bits and pieces Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!
I know many tricks to raise prices without anyone noticing. Sometimes by a small amount, but all of them grow subversively.

I used to dream that I would meet a prince But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
I used to dream of meeting a prince, but now I must deal with these conniving customers.

Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit! Comforter, philosopher and lifelong shit! Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!
The master of this house deserves no respect. He is nothing more than an annoying nuisance. He might act intelligent like Voltaire but does not have much to him. What a cruel reality that I must endure.

Master of the house! Master and a half! Comforter, philosopher Don't make me laugh! Servant to the poor, butler to the great Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!
The master of the house thinks of himself as a great and honorable individual, but in reality, he only serves himself or whoever pays the highest. He is a hypocritical parasite who is always drunk.

Everybody bless the landlord! Everybody bless his spouse! Everybody raise a glass Raise it up the master's arse Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!
We shall all praise the landlord of this establishment and his spouse. We should thank him by raising our glasses and cheering him, up to the heavens.