Dennis Miller Lyrics

Edwin Hazell

on America the Touchy

this is NOT America the touchy.
THIS IS:
America the Touchy

Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but that's the problem with
America. You can't tease anybody. I read now that gay people don't even want to
be called gay anymore. They now wish to be referred to as Asian.

"Hey, what's Dennis saying there, man? Is Dennis saying all Asians are gay? Is
Dennis saying all gays are Asian?" You know what I'm saying . . . all Asians
are gay.

Now somewhere out there, there's an Asian person talking pen to paper in
protest. And I want you to hear me out . . . put the pen down, it was a joke.
Walk away from it. Let it go. It never happened. It was a comment on how
pathetically neurotic we've all become over our own little piece of turf.
Obviously, you know don't believe that all Asians are gay. For Christ's sake
there's a billion of you, I know somebody's ****ing out there, okay?

And yet this is what it's come to. This is what it's come to in contemporary
America. Everybody's broken off into these petulant little Travis Bickle
tribes. Everybody walks the perimeter of their own damaged esteem ever-vigilant
against an incursion by They, Them. The Other Guys. Everybody's touchy and
everybody's encouraged to be touchy, everybody that is . . . except me: the
White Anglo-Saxon male. I'm everybody's asshole. Black people think I'm
oppressive and physically deficient. Women think I'm oafish and horny. Gay
people think I'm overly macho and latently homosexual. And Asians think I'm
lazy and stupid. Hey, you think you've got an ax to grind? I'm fvckin' Paul
Bunyan over here, okay, folks?

And if I'm expected to be genial, there's a principle of reciprocity here, I
expect you to do the same. Why are we so hung up on the name calling? We are
all such overgrown babies. As it turns out adult life is just a tall grade
school: "You suck," "With your mouth," "Hi, my mouth," "Hi, me." It's
embarrassing. I can't believe it, the playground is way back there in the mist.
We've got to let it go and get on with it. Why do you think we get hung up on
all the little bullsh!t?

I have a theory: I think we're far less evolved ourselves. I know we consider
ourselves to be very nineties creatures, we take it all in, we deal with it . .
. we put it back out. We are just the hippest little creatures, but you know
something? I think in a deep gut level we're scared sh!tless. We live in a
madhouse and it's brought into our living rooms on a day-to-day level via CNN.
And we see things that we probably aren't equipped to even vaguely get our head
around. Children in Somalia . . . the atrocities in
Bosnia--Cal-a-frag-a-listic-ex-pee-al-a-docious. I think all this sh!t comes
down and we think, "Christ, it really is out of control."

So what we do is we take all the little bullsh!t things, we trump it up into
something bigger than it actually is, something we can mold and handle, and in
some vague pathetic way keep our feet tethered to the planet.

And that's why this entire country has turned into Gladys Kravitz from
"Bewitched."

Of course that is just my opinion...I could be wrong!