Haha, well now
I'm about to sing a fun and provocative song

We call this the act of mating
Having sex is what we refer to as the process of reproduction

But there are several other very important differences
Humans have unique qualities and characteristics that differentiate us from animals

Between human beings and animals that you should know about
It's important to be aware of these differences when engaging in sexual activity

Sweat, baby, sweat, baby sex is a Texas drought
Having sex will make us sweat, and in Texas' hot, dry climate, it's common to experience drought

Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about
Our sexual activities are so taboo, only the late singer, Prince, would dare sing about them

So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts
Touching my genitals will be a pleasurable experience for you

Yes, I'm Siskel, yes, I'm Ebert
I'm giving you two thumbs up, like the famous film critics Siskel and Ebert

And you're getting two thumbs up
Your sexual performance is deserving of a positive rating

You've had enough of two-hand touch
You're ready for more extreme and physical sexual activity

You want it rough, you're out of bounds
You desire rough sex that could be considered taboo or outside the norm

I want you smothered, want you covered
I want to be close to you and have intimate contact

Like my Waffle House hash browns
Specifically, I want to cover you like the hash browns at the popular diner chain, Waffle House

Comin' quicker than FedEx, never reaching apex
I am climaxing quickly, never reaching the peak of arousal

Just like Coca-Cola stock, you are inclined
Your sexual performance is unpredictable, like the stock value of Coca-Cola

To make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time
You have a powerful effect on me, causing me to wake up early and feel energized, like when the clocks change during Daylight Savings Time

Love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket
Our love is messy and requires physical cleaning to maintain it

Like the lost catacombs of Egypt, only God knows where we stuck it
We've had so much sex in so many places that no one can keep track of where it's happened except for God

Hieroglyphics, let me be Pacific, I wanna be down in your South Seas
Our sexual experience is like an ancient, secret language, and I want to be intimately connected with you and explore your body like a sailor exploring the South Seas

But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean
I have a feeling your sexual prowess is powerful, like the movement of a strong ocean current

Means small craft advisory
Because of your power, it's wise to caution others not to get too close, like a warning against small watercraft in rough waters

So if I capsize in your thighs, high tide, B-5, you sunk my battleship
If I get lost in the intensity of our sexual contact, I could be overwhelmed and lost, like a ship sinking to the ocean floor

Please turn me on, I'm Mr. Coffee with an automatic drip
I'm eager to be aroused and ready for sex, like a coffee maker with an automatic drip function

So show me yours, I'll show you mine, "Tool Time"
Let's be open and share intimate parts of our bodies, like the hosts of the TV show "Tool Time" discussing their tools

You'll Lovett just like Lyle
I'll pleasure you in the way that actor Lyle Lovett is known to pleasure women

And then we'll do it doggy style
We'll have sex in the position commonly known as "doggy style"

So we can both watch X-Files
We'll have sex while watching the popular TV show, "The X-Files"

You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals
We are only animals, driven by our primal urges

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Let's have sex like we've seen animals do on the Discovery Channel

Gettin' horny now
I'm becoming sexually aroused and excited