Your Horoscope For Today
"Weird Al" Yankovic Lyrics


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AQUARIUS!
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes
to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-
Mole 17 hours a day

PISCES!
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what
those idiots at work say

ARIES!
The look on your face will be priceless when you find
that 40-pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a
hickey to Meryl Streep

TAURUS!
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna
do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch
of stuff and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

GEMINI!
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your
explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble your fiance
hurls a javelin through your chest

CANCER!
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the
rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while
taking your driver's test

LEO!
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and
staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it
down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

VIRGO!
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent -
except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with
your head impaled upon a stick

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least
a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets
and the stars could have a special deep significance or
meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let
me give you my assurance that these forecasts and
predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented
evidence, so you would have to be some kind of
moron not to realize that every single one of them is
absolutely true.

Where was I?

LIBRA!
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone
much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that
when your appendix bursts next week

SCORPIO!
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall
screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your
low self esteem, you stupid freak

SAGITTARIUS!
All your friends are laughing behind your back...
kill them
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine
you've got hanging in your den

CAPRICORN!
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful
person... but you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never
never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today




That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

Overall Meaning

In "Your Horoscope For Today," "Weird Al" Yankovic creates a satirical and humorous interpretation of horoscopes. The song lists each astrological sign and provides ridiculous and absurd predictions for each one. The tone of the song is playful and sarcastic, mocking the idea that the position of planets and stars could have any real impact on people's lives.


For example, in Aquarius's prediction, the idea of a tongue freezing to the back of a speeding bus is impossible and outrageous. Similarly, Aries's prediction of finding a 40-pound watermelon in their colon is absurd and unrealistic. The song exaggerates and makes fun of the idea of horoscopes, suggesting that they are nothing more than fanciful and meaningless entertainment.


Overall, "Your Horoscope For Today" is a parody that pokes fun at astrology and the belief in the impact of horoscopes on people's lives. The song encourages listeners to not take these predictions too seriously and to instead focus on living their lives in a more realistic and rational way.


Line by Line Meaning

AQUARIUS!
You will travel when you stick your tongue to a bus while it speeds away. Play Whack-A-Mole excessively for fulfillment.


PISCES!
Avoid Leos and Virgos with Ebola. You are the true Lord of the Dance, despite your coworkers' opinions.


ARIES!
Your face will be priceless when you find a watermelon in your colon. Swap toothbrushes with an albino dwarf and hickey Meryl Streep.


TAURUS!
True happiness is unlikely. You'll wake up tomorrow, do some things, and then sleep again.


GEMINI!
Your flatulence will ruin your birthday party. Your fiance will throw a javelin into your chest, causing romantic issues.


CANCER!
Jupiter suggests wallowing in mud for a week. Be cautious when taking your driver's test and avoid nasal duct tape stuffing.


LEO!
Photocopying your butt to your boss's face is not advised. Consumption of tuna pudding with strawberry Quik is bizarrely recommended.


VIRGO!
Expect a big surprise when you wake up with your head on a stick. You are the only Virgo who is unfriendly and unintelligent.


LIBRA!
Someone more talented than you will get a promotion. Laughter is medication when your appendix bursts.


SCORPIO!
Prepare for an unexpected trip from an open window fall. Improve your self-esteem to avoid being a stupid freak.


SAGITTARIUS!
Your friends are laughing behind your back, so you should kill them. Remove naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine in your den.


CAPRICORN!
You are supposedly an exciting person, but the stars are lying. Stay in your house and lock your doors and windows.


That's your horoscope for today
These predictions are based on solid evidence, so you must believe they are true.


That's your horoscope for today


That's your horoscope for today


That's your horoscope for today




Lyrics © OBO APRA/AMCOS

Lyrics Licensed & Provided by LyricFind
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Comments from YouTube:

@WalnutAnimations

“The stars predict you’ll do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep” how is Al so accurate with his predictions 😳

@AdamWestish

I'm still waiting for Christmas at Ground Zero tho

@WalnutAnimations

@@AdamWestish you won’t have to wait long judging by our current state

@BlackSoul4876

You misquoted the exact words, but yeah I know! 😆

@PrincessGamer

He's weird Al.. He can do anything!!!

@AgentOracle

I'd have a more well articulated response but I'm supposed to keep myself face down in the mud.

67 More Replies...

@ChewyThomson

Weird Al dropping a music video for a song he put out 24 years ago has to be the most Weird Al thing possible

@BigOlSmellyFlashlight

1999 was almost a quarter of a century ago

@alchemander

@@BigOlSmellyFlashlight No it wasn't. 2000 was like, last year dude... Maybe 2 years ago.

@matchas-den

@@alchemander yeah, exactly!

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