There have been a number of artists going by the name of Ambivalent:
(1)… Read Full Bio ↴There have been a number of artists going by the name of Ambivalent:
(1) A electronic musician from United States
(2) A hip-hop producer from Detroit, Michigan
(3) A visual kei band from Japan
(4) A hip-hop crew from Germany

“The curtain went up before I knew I was on stage.”
-Ambivalent aka Kevin McHugh

Currently working out of Berlin, Kevin McHugh has spent the last decade living in the German capital or New York and in a sense; these two metropoleis represent the contradiction at the heart of his Ambivalent persona. On the one hand the reckless freedom and hedonism of the Berlin subculture, on the other the more considered, conceptual approach of its New York counterpart. As a result his idiosyncratic sound lies somewhere between the two, a precarious balancing act that manages to infuse stripped down, finked up minimal techno with a distinct sense of purpose, often defined by a pearl of an idea around which his skeletal grooves revolve.

After growing up in Washington DC on a balanced diet of Acid House, Go-Go and Punk, his active involvement in the electronic scene began in New York in 2002, producing a series of memorable parties for Creative Time in the base of the Brooklyn Bridge. Fusing house and techno with experimental multimedia and urban installations, Kevin was quick to recognise connecting patterns of value between these art forms, with temporal, physical, spatial and minimal elements among the most obvious common denominators. If one person embodied these principles through music it was Richie Hawtin. The pair were soon working together, co-producing the Plastikman show at Mutek in 2004. The planning process meant spending the best part of a year in Berlin during which time Kevin assimilated into the scene. Energized, he returned to New York and besides co-presenting the Nerd Tank on East Village Radio, he began working on his own compositions, which quickly led to a debut release on Camea’s Clink label in 2006. His event organising activities also intensified, buoyed by the network of DJs and producers he’d met in Berlin.

It was after one particularly intense party, that Kevin set to work on a new track. Extreme images from the event were still flickering across his mind as he picked up his studio mic and, in a flash of inspiration, laid down a twisted, one-sided conversation in a single take. He passed the resulting track to Troy thinking it was just a bit of fun, a tongue-in-cheek parody for his friends to play. Within days Richie was telling him - the track was blowing up, the dancefloor reaction to R U OK was unbelievable. What followed was beyond his wildest imaginings as the track went global, topping charts around the world aided by Ali Demirel’s tripped-out video interpretation. By 2008, the gravitational pull had become too strong to ignore and he returned to Berlin, hooking up with the Minus community and embarking on a non-stop schedule of live shows and DJ gigs. 2009 also saw him join the line-up for the London Contakt special as well as the release of several remixes, a JPLS collaboration and his own follow up EP is 5.

2010 holds even more promise for Kevin, with back-to-back releases. Rumors shows another quirky wordplay, voiced by a character twisted in knots trying to learn the meaning of all the gossip floating around. His second release of the year comes on strong with a dancefloor bouncer Down accompanied by an aggressive vocal challenge. With a DJ mix and an album in the works, it's already becoming more interesting by the day.

Ambivalent by name, ambivalent by nature, Kevin McHugh insists we shouldn’t read too much into his ideas, but as long as he continues making such bold musical statements, that stimulate the instinct and intellect in equal measures, he’ll just have to get used to the attention.

Ambivalent (2)
For the visual kei band, please use Ａｍｂｉｖａｌｅｎｔ

Cold Hands
Ambivalent Lyrics

We have lyrics for 'Cold Hands' by these artists:

AFI How I regret what I must do but you've left…
Arctic Lake Ooh, I know it's been a while So tell me you…
Bia Cabral I shielded my heart from love I`ve learned not to feel But…
Black Lips Subconsciousness been splayed on cankered brains We get alo…
Brendan Benson Cold hands, warm heart We just need some time apart And ever…
Caural Cold hands hold on as I roll the window down…
Chan I'm fine 익숙해질 말투 네 맘에 따듯한 입김도 불게 Oh 넌 또…
D-Bridge When I first laid my eyes on you yea You were…
Jordan Raycroft You ask me where I’m going, I say I’m doing time They’ve…

KeyWest He said, "Call me the king of the street ′Cause I…
Logan M Why I don't think that we should be together And I've…
Lost River/Old River I have cold hands Yellow and red, shaking Follow slowly Let…
Miss Vincent Walking in circles on top of the hill Repeating everything y…
Nathan Ball With cold hands pushing I pull you in It felt like…
No Turning Back All the words you scream so loud They never meant…
OLDCODEX Today the star is bright lights up the way we'll…
Shag Rock And you say that I shouldn′t wait in this life…
Sivu Cold Hands, I Will Try To Hold Life With Love…
Suede The playgrounds are empty The wind it is still I follow you…
The Beautiful Mistake The summer storm brings the breaking news from the west…
The Black Lips Subconsciousness been splayed on cankered brains We get alon…
the dose How I regret what I must do but you've left me…
The E's I caught your eye I wish I'd just caught the…
The Sun Minor Sun out in cold empty space I'm burning bright alone,…
Velojet oh realy boy, is it true what they said about…

We have lyrics for these tracks by Ambivalent:

Ambivalent Get up I see you I want you But I know I can't I know…
Breath I'm tired of walking this road (I lost my self) After…

Down Wake up it's a quarter to eight I'd like to know…

The lyrics are frequently found in the comments by searching or by filtering for lyric videos

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Most interesting comments from YouTube:

M De

2y↑23

Before blaming parents for not having secure attachments to their children maybe children should be screened for autism first. My son absolutely pushed toys out of my hand when I was trying to comfort him and he didn’t give good facial contact either that’s not because he wasn’t attached to me it’s because his reactions are different to Neurotypical children .
It used to hurt me greatly that my hugs and kisses couldn’t comfort my child that’s only watching funny clips of kittens falling over etc would calm him down .
We have an amazing bond together but even now, at age 16, his hug reactions are very different to that of his brothers .
He WILL hug me but it is in a very stiff way, and he’s only doing it because he knows it’s what he’s “supposed to do”, he doesn’t particularly like it.
That’s his autism!! not because he doesn’t love me .
He presents as a Neurotypical person to anyone who doesn’t know the hidden signs of autism.
He is absolutely fabulous at masking, (doing the things society expects him to in order to fit in )
Barely anyone believes he is autistic.
These are the children schools should be looking for!!!
It is so important to help them move forward in their futures as they will go on to have children themselves and how they react to their children will impact their child whether they are Neurotypical or not !
Thankfully purposeful childhood Emotional neglect is pretty rare.

Ali_Cat1912

2y↑12

I would like to say I understand exactly how you feel. And yes, it does feel irreversible.
Unfortunately, we cannot "un-feel" the pain that's been caused.
But, I wish nothing but the best for you, and I hope only good things come your way.
Everybody needs a break, and I'd say you deserve one.

The best thing we can do now is:
-Try to understand (and love) ourselves better every day.
-Try to overcome the obstacles that hold us back from our own success/future.
-Try to become the foundation that we need for ourselves...
...because our parents were clearly incapable of providing it for us.

All comments from YouTube:

Maria O'Connor

2y↑2.8K

I seriously think this should be covered in schools, the majority of us will have children one day and I think it’s very important for young adults to know how to raise one, you don’t even realize how important the first decade of a child’s life is , yet most of us barely know how to raise a child until we actually become parents, I think all expecting couples should have to learn this

MrFredstt

2y↑107

I agree. School severely neglects to teach people how to actually handle and deal with real life situations and problems

Daniel Chappell

2y↑32

I think it should also be taught in schools because it informs us of our own attachments and we can reflect on our own relationship with our guardians during our upbringings

Dominika Nowakowska

2y↑1

Exactly

PunkBox

2y↑10

My school is focused on social sciences, so I actually learned all of this. But this is the exception sadly. I really didn't learn much at that school but those topics will stay with me for life.

M De

2y↑23

40 More Replies...

A H

3y↑2.6K

Yep, you consistently must respond to your baby. People tried to tell me to “let the baby cry” but i couldn’t! I’m glad I listened to my baby❤️

Be1smaht

3y↑44

Good for you!

shoushou nazef

2y↑12

I do the same with my 8 months old

Short Stack

2y↑166

User572 Yes, gang members know how to exploit vulnerability. When parents ignore their children, they don't make them independent, they make them vulnerable. Predators swoop in and give their victims attention and positivity, then take advantage.

Short Stack

2y↑48

@MrFredstt That's an interesting point when I go to job interviews and they say, "we're a family." Now I know it's a red flag when you hear this.

46 More Replies...

Roro

2y↑2K

In my psychology class we learned that kids who grow up with a secure attachment style are more successful in life, it makes me want to be very empathetic to my children in the future

Owsryudie

2y↑9

Can you elaborate on that?

Gorblin

2y↑123

@Owsryudie Children have a fundamental need to be understood and loved and when that need isn’t met it fucks them up

Owsryudie

2y↑4

@Gorblin Correct, but 'Secure attachment style'?

Gorblin

2y↑21

@Owsryudie That's just an overly medical sounding term for something very simple

Madison Willis

2y↑59

@Owsryudie basically their parents were there when they needed them.

They trust others, can set boundaries, love others, and function normally as people should in relationships to others (not clingy, not too independent).

Insecure is the opposite, and you have avoidant (my bf, doesn't trust others to see emotions easily), anxious (my ex, can't be comforted like the third child was), and a combination of the two which is disorganized (me and my friend, essentially ruled by inconsistency and fear for the first 18 months of our lives which dictates this).

22 More Replies...

Stanley Bao

4y↑4.5K

Everytime a mum gets their child to stand in line with the groceries while quickly running to grab something - a mini version of this experiment occurs

Kenzie K

3y↑125

That is so true lmao good one

chipette

2y↑153

I’m 30 and still feel this. 😥

Mariana Hidden

2y↑82

That feeling was the worst😭

Jani Ca.

2y↑153

people should never ever leave their child alone or out of sight in public places, not even for a second.

Dominika Nowakowska

2y↑2

Lmao based

28 More Replies...

Arielle Eisenberg

2y↑2.5K

That’s my sister in the first clip!! She’s 25 now and all my siblings have a great relationship with both parents 🥰

Better Me Better Life

2y↑49

Wow!

Arielle Eisenberg

2y↑267

She’s actually finishing up her masters in social work!

Megha Seth

2y↑34

Wow, do you think there's a complete clip of this experiment I can find?

23 More Replies...

ladywhite79 active

3y↑2.4K

Heard so many times from parents who failed their kids who had drug addiction and a host of problems, say "never run to the baby and let them cry it out or else you'll spoil the child". Neglect, lack of information and empathy is ruining your child.

Emily Rose

2y↑124

I had a mom with drug addicted son who is a neglectful father, talk to me about raising my 1 month old to be a capable independent adult..like im pretty sure forcing independence so soon does the opposite

Kristen Lee

2y↑131

Something I heard years ago stuck with me always and still live by it as a mom: “You can’t spoil a child with love”.

Shari Worden

2y↑134

@Emily Rose You're right, "forced independence" is essentially neglect and abandonment. If you want your kids to be clingy and fearful, sure, shove them away and tell them to be tougher. But if you want brave, independent kids who wave bye to you with a smile, make sure they know you're there for them the instant they need you. Everyone told me I spoiled my babies, but they are so independent and smart and outgoing now that they are big kids!

flame flames

2y↑30

Thank you, I never did drugs & my mom was neglectful. She never told me she loved me until I was 14, however I grew up with low self esteem, low confidence in myself and always felt like everyone disliked me. I have wanted to die since I was 12 because I hated myself. However, I loved myself enough to never do drugs. But my mental state was weird. Not sure if it has to do with my mother .

Agatha Hofmann

2y↑6

i heard so many times that kids from parents that spoiled them still acted like kids in their adult life. just say no.

27 More Replies...

Phoebe

2y↑417

Therapist here. Just want everyone to know that no matter what your attachment style is, it is not permanent and it's not indicative of your life. You can mold and influence your child to develop a more secure attachment and to thrive in life. Studies have shown that a person who has insecure attachment when paired with a secure attachment will most likely do okay. For caretakers if you meet your child's needs correctly if even 30% of the time (i.e. Comfort when sad, reassure when anxious, etc) your child will mostly likely be secure. Many people might have been a anxious or insecure type growing up but often times they can be successful and they can function if there are people in their lives who are securely attached. Of course there's also a myrid of factors that can affect a person's wellbeing but this is what attachment theory states.

moji bien

2y↑10

Any tips on helping someone who has a disorganized attachment pattern? Like how can I be a supportive partner and show it is safe to trust? I realize I can’t fix it - but I wanna be a good partner!

Phoebe

2y↑11

@moji bien just being available to meet their needs will help a lot. Modeling effective communication, boundaries, conflict resolution skills... Etc. But it's important not to take all the responsibility in helping. He or she should consider professional help to address some of the aspects that make up the disorganized attachment. Best wishes

Melanie Wade

2y↑4

@Phoebe Thank you for your comment!

Kristen Marie

2y↑7

@Phoebe Your comment is encouraging and helpful. Thank you!

play4alley

2y↑6

Yes, but trust me, it takes a lot of work and therapy. Parents have a responsibility to help their child be secure from the beginning and not put all that hard work onto their kids to sort out. I think this world would be a better place.

9 More Replies...

Areana Angel

3y↑696

I was securely attached as a baby and toddler. I still developed chronic depression starting at the age of 14. Because of the depression, my attachment style changed to pre-occupied (anxious). Finally, am working with a therapist enough to resolve issues that really didnt occur until I had depression and am finally moving back to a secure attachment style. So if parents think that as soon as a kid moves out of the toddler stage and are securely attached, it doesn't mean they are securely attached for life. Growing up, I was put under a LOT of pressure to succeed academically and was given the message that I cannot be loved unless I perform well. I was also told my parents that I was ugly, fat and not smart in my pre-teen year. I also internalized the message that I was not capable of being independent, and basically helpless. So I developed a pre-occupied anxious style and kept going to others for reassurance that I was enough as a human being and was very distraught without others support and assistance because I truly felt I could not care for myself. Anyways, I am getting closer to middle age now and am finally learning to internalize self-love and can go back to having normal, secure attachment style. I've actually always had great boundaries until I developed chronic depression and now finding my natural abilities to have appropriate boundaries come back to me after I learned to love myself.

T S

3y↑25

I have a very similar upbringing to you and all I can do is apologise that you had to experience your childhood in that way. Though i haven't experienced chronic depression I have many people around me who have and I'm glad you were able to make it out and you sound like you're doing much better. Best of luck for your future x

Emily Rose

2y↑7

I can relate some, but my brother got it worse. But I heard something like you only have to be responsive and attuned to your child 70 percent of the time your child needs you to, jn order to form a secure attachment . So maybe it was just enough when you were a baby forming an attachment but not so after the fact.. idk it sucks and I hope I can do better for my daughter

xDxD

2y↑5

Have similar issues. I have anxious type A personality and Learned helplessness. I always had fear of Abandonment until I clearly understood the issue at 27 yr age. If possible, Please do share your email id or other ID to contact. I will be glad to contact you. It can be helpful for me as well as you.

Destiny Blair

2y↑13

My parents took care of my as a baby and older kid. I cannot say that everything was bad. In fact, but sometimes they were cold and evil. Especially my father who experienced his dad having many affairs with other women and later divorcing my grandmother. He became really aggressive and narcissistic. My mother always excuses his behaviour and thinks that it's his cross he must live with. I don't understand this and think she is pretty wrong. I feel helpless and very dependent, because they made me think like that. I am trying hard to be independent, but my salary is too low for moving put, and flats became too expensive. :( That's why I with 28 year, experience depression, anxiety, detachment issues with my boyfriend, insecurity... My dad really made my life horrible. Sometimes he's ok and understanding, but other day he says he would beat me if I don't show him respect, threatens me to throw out of the house.... I hope I'll get a better job so I can afford a flat

Jani Ca.

2y↑4

@Destiny Blair Im sorry to hear that. I had a horrible childhood too and learned helplessness. Im over 40 and started recently to learn that Im good, Im enough etc. The only thing I can say is: If you (start to) believe in yourself you can achieve anything you want.
There’s a brilliant channel I follow lately and learn much from it. It’s CrappyChildhoodFairy and she explaines it really good.
All the best for you!

17 More Replies...

Divine Patchouli & Pine

2y↑644

I spend tons of time thinking I'm a terrible mom based off of my less desirable moments and then I see stuff like this. My kids both find relief and comfort in my presence. This really picked me back up today. Tonight I can go to bed knowing that I really am doing my damn best even if it doesn't feel like it; and that me and my children are and always will make new mistakes and cry different tears. Fuck yes to breaking these cycles.

Tre Dì

2y↑26

This is amazing, I'm really glad that there are moms like you

Divine Patchouli & Pine

2y↑22

@Tre Dì it means a lot thank you! You constantly go to bed thinking you failed because of one bump that happened during the day. I can't even begin to describe the stress that was taken off of me seeing this video. But it's always a work in progress

Zainab Tello

2y↑6

hell yeah good on you !

Dr Sandhya Thumsi kumar

2y↑2

True 👍 time to break the cycle

HalpieHere

2y↑4

As long as you are vigilant and trying your best, your kids will thank you for it greatly in the future. I'm sure you're doing amazing. Break those cycles!

6 More Replies...

Chelsea V

2y↑256

this is so interesting especially when discovering your own attachment style and realizing how much of how you act etc in relationships as an adult has to do with your childhood that was out of your control. But now that we are all able to heal and release and honestly do better than we’ve experienced <3

Star of the Cosmos

2y↑1

so true!

Pizza

YES!❤

aetherisc

2y↑3

Me recognizing myself in the last kid 😞😞😞😞 I learned to control my emotions early though, especially when I had younger siblings who demanded more attention. I used to cry when frustrated, then I gave no emotions because ah. It was easier than being yelled at, ignored, or blamed for expressing feelings. When they tried to comfort me it made me angry, because the times before they would just blame me or ignore me for my emotions.

Being a parent isn’t easy, I know. I know they had their own issues, mental/physical. But I fr don’t think you should have kids if you’re not mentally fit for it. I had to heal myself and become conscious of why i feel so ambivalent in many of my relationships. It’s something I’m working on :’0 and something if I ever decide to have kids myself, I will work to not do to them. Mindfulness is everything

Sageo

2y↑186

Had a neglectful mother and controlling dad (with mild schizophrenia) growing up. Ended up getting diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder, depression, and anxiety. Attempted suicide once and have struggled with my career, school, and friendships throughout my life. In general I don't like being around people and get upset easily. I could relate with the babies in a way where if someone close to me leaves then suddenly returns, I'm very resentful and it's difficult for me to get over it. My mom in particular. This was interesting and very insightful.

R Jules10

2y↑7

🤗 hoping that you’ll find peace 💕

Sageo

2y↑6

@R Jules10 I appreciate it. Trying my best every day 💕

a yy

2y↑2

Haha is that why I couldn't be in the same room with my gf after we fought even if we reconciled?

Armita Natura

2y↑1

May the Lord Jesus Christ be with you!!! The Lord your creator loves you❤️❤️✝️ message me if you need anything❤️❤️

Sunny the boxer.

2y↑2

You just need someone to love you enough and show you that you do care.

1 More Replies...

Jay

2y↑60

As someone who was raised with parents who decided I should learn to self soothe before I could even walk and had many various babysitters while my parents were working multiple jobs I was always the old soul the one that grew up to fast. Now as a 25 yr old I feel almost no attachment to my father and very slight to my mother and that’s more based on guilt than love. Like I am completing my roll in the family by acting like a daughter but I don’t feel it. My sister was raised differently and they never hit her or left her to cry alone and she defends both my parents against anyone and everything with a fire. It’s crazy what early development does to our minds and life

Ophelia11

2y↑44

I was an Early Start teacher and cant even tell you how many parents wanted me to fix their disregulated insecurely attached kids for them. The worst were the ones who didnt notice any difference between me and their parents. They couldnt play normally. The advent of cell phones made this so much worse. I saw parents replicating orphanage type environments by putting their kids in a corner with their cell phones as soon as they could hold them. We didnt even see the whole picture. One mom did drugs all night and slept all day while her baby fended for himself, with zero childproofing and unlocked doors. I cannot describe how unqualified a teacher is at helping parents like that. In 16 years I saw some pretty bad things and not one time did child services do anything. We've had this information since the 60s and still dont protect children. I couldnt do that work anymore because it got too traumatizing.

Persephone💝

3y↑323

As someone who grew up to subconsciously retain the avoidant attachment throughout most of my relationship, it's heartbreaking to research and look into this. To be ingrained at such a young age to suppress my emotions and suck it up, hurts till today. Hurts everyday. Even when I try to tell my parents things now and the stuff that comes out of their mouths are things like, you are torturing us when all I wanted was to express my emotions, is a horrendous experience to go through. I am very detached with my emotions neither can I express nrt release them through forms of art or music. Crying becomes a screaming rage. As an adult, it breaks you to a point of wanting to be suicidal.

Lavisher Elena

3y↑15

Hi Ilsa, I just so happened to come across your comment and wondered whether you’ve heard of Thais Gibson and her personal development school? I also have had a very tough time as a fearful avoidant, but her videos on YouTube have really helped me to navigate around and put things in a much more clearer context...I hope you do find the solution as it is possible and you deserve to be happy \(^_^)/ hugs and greetings from Taiwan

Celline

2y↑2

I can relate now that I read books about trauma from childhood it helps me alot . I wish u the best

1 Corinthians 3:18

2y↑16

Jesus Christ loves you

Krishna Hi

2y↑3

I’m so sorry…

10 More Replies...

Ellie Souza

43w↑6

Two of my children are adopted. A daughter from an orphanage in China at 13 months and a 3 year old son from foster care that had an extremely abusive drug addicted mother that tried to sell him. My bio children were accustomed to having mom and dad respond when they cried, but these two were accustomed to being ignored or in my son's case, hit. At first they didn't cry or want affection. We had to make sure we responded to them with anything.... It paid off. They are happy, healthy adults now. They still carry some scars, but they are doing so much better than we would have originally thought. It matters that we help our kids when they cry

Beatriz de Moraes

2y↑110

My mom always said I was a very independent baby/toddler... I actually had an avoidant attachment style which I catch myself bringing into all my relationships now 🤡

C

2y↑29

Yeah my mom said I was an extremely self-sufficient toddler but only cause I couldn't count on her lol

Alanis Mika

2y↑6

Minha mãe fala a mesma coisa também, que eu e meu irmão (gêmeo) “não dávamos trabalho”

aetherisc

2y↑14

Same. I was told I was very independent, carefree. I had to be LOL in truth I just learned not to lean on them. That brought feelings of confusion, resentment, and anger. Because every little kid wants their parents to love and support them. So did I. Even now they don’t understand me. A child’s needs are simple. Love, attention, encouragement. I wish I had more of that. My family’s style is more of ah… to not discuss emotions, or even address it. That angered me as a teen, made me lash out at them. I couldn’t understand why they were like that. I quieted my anger and distanced myself and tried to reorient my emotions to be whole again. It hurts, but I have accepted my family is like that. Best I can do is learn to accept and love myself, not punish the inner child anymore! A long but rewarding journey to recovery!

Beatriz de Moraes

2y↑5

@aetherisc I understand you. Maybe in a different way, but my family never addressed emotions either, and anytime we expressed anything that wasn't happiness, or obedience and satisfaction we were invalidated. Crying was a sign you were too fragile to handle anything and the world would step on you. I don't blame them, they did the best they could with what they knew at the time and they broke many generational traumas, I couldn't expect them to be able to handle everything. We can only hope to learn and grow from their mistakes and our own. We'll make mistakes with the next generation too, but I believe as long as we are open-minded and well-intentioned, we can avoid failing them and we can help them avoid some of our mistakes with the generation after them and so on.

Beatriz de Moraes

2y↑1

@C I don't blame my mom, she was 20 when she had me, still in college, and 11 months after having me, my first brother was born. My sister was born when I was 2 and my mother was still in college when she was pregnant with her. By the time I was 6, she had my little brother. So 4 little kids. She had too much going on and she worried about how I would feel being still a baby and having another baby to share her attention with. She was relieved when she saw I behaved like the second baby on the video, because she thought I didn't care much, she didn't know any better. We've had our fair share of problems, but I find comfort in the fact that she did and does her best, was always well-intentioned and tries to become more open and to learn new things.

1 More Replies...

Justine Glickman

2y↑108

I very much regret that when my son was a toddler I gave into pressure not to "spoil" him with attention and affection. He was a wild kid with trouble regulating and he was later diagnosed with ADHD, but my friends told me I was just a bad mother and I should refuse to engage, which I wholeheartedly believe was wrong.

Marie

2y↑8

Friends try to help, but sometimes it seems like their help is menacing. I don't go by what friends say. Most of my friends at the time had problems with child protective services, or they lost their kids! So I never listened to them. The best you can do is listen to yourself and your baby. As mothers we do the best we can do and the feeling of doing something a certain way is usually the best for our child. There is no parental manual. Parenting is a learning curve just like everything else.

Justine Glickman

2y↑6

@Marie It's terrifying when people tell you that youre not parenting right, because all ive ever done was my best. I was 20, most of my friends were older and seemed like they knew what they were doing, even when it went against my gut. They turned out to be a very toxic, bullying group of "friends", they just seemed to enjoy putting other people down.

Mary Lawson

2y↑2

Same. He’s 4.5 and I’m trying so hard to turn it around.
I suffered terrible PPD, lost my mom when my son was 5 months and generally resented motherhood. I wish I could go back and change so much 😭

mslvc2011

@Mary Lawson I know your son will be more than OK. He is very young. He can overcome any challenges with your support and joy.

Susanne Chicken mom

2y↑56

This was a bit hard for me to watch b/c when I was little and wanted to be with my mother, she was always to tired to care for me emotionally. I can't remember a single time when she was there for me. When I got a bit older she said that I was so needing and wanted to be with her every chance I got, and she couldn't handle it so I was "sent away" to live with my grandparents, while my brother stayed with my mother, she said later on he was easier to handle, he didn't have the same need from her as I did. Later on in life she even said to me that she thought I had some kind of mental illness due to me wanting to be with her so much when I was little. I thought that for a very long time about myself, until I learned that I was fine, I was ok, just a child that wanted affection and that had nothing to do with mental illness, not at all.
Sorry for the rambling comment.

puggirl415 puggirl

2y↑13

Can I just say that you never need to apologize for being vulnerable or telling your story. Your vulnerability makes you beautiful and your story helps others. Please tell it as often as you need to.

Wade Hannah Aaron

2y↑10

You weren’t the problem. Your mother was just incapable of love and that’s not your fault. You deserve to be loved. I’m sorry your mom failed you. I can definitely relate.

Susanne Chicken mom

2y↑2

@puggirl415 puggirl Thanks for your kind words ❤️

Susanne Chicken mom

2y↑3

@Wade Hannah Aaron I'm so sorry that you have had the same experience, thank you for your caring words. Sending you a big hug

Truth Love111

40w

Everyone can heal.

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Ayot Adhiambo

3y↑411

Now I understand why sometimes children are fussy and have unending tantrums. If they are securely attached with their caregivers, they are able to take nos because they understand it's from a place of love.

Carmela Camba

2y↑24

this is interesting, my nephew lives with us, and when i started working and had to leave the house, he was five i think, he cried at first but i explained to him that i will always be back later, so after few days i will kiss him goodbye and no more tantrum.

I never experience any problem with him when we go outside, no tantrums, shouting etc... even when he was asking me for something he wants, he takes no without drama, but i always suggest another option because i feel bad.

m t

2y↑3

oooh this is a really interesting idea

GoddessNoir

Great point!

Ikke limburg

2y↑56

Sometimes children are fussy because that’s their nature. Sometimes children throw a seemingly never ending tantrum because they’re strong willed. Sometimes a child is allergic to types of food and goes undiagnosed for a long time causing them to be fussy (in pain or itchy skin). Sometimes a child has autism and can’t calm down. I think it is a dangerous slope when thinking a fussy child isn’t securely attached or parents are to blame.

Ayot Adhiambo

2y↑8

@Ikke limburg You have a valid point too. At that time when I posted this comment, I didn't have a child. Now I do, and my oh my, you are right. My daughter is quite a strong-willed one even though we are securely attached. She's particular about what she wants and she will do everything to get what she wants. It's easier to get through tantrums if you spend more time with your child, it is important as it is easier to work with your child and find out what they need.No child is the same. Every child is different when it comes to personalities but one similarity about them all is that they need our love, attention, and quality time from us as their caregivers.

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Destiny Tudara

2y↑469

Worst part about my secure attachment parenting style is hearing from family members about how Im spoiling my baby. Constantly getting unsolicited parenting advice

Abby Embro

2y↑24

Stay strong for your little one. You and they will be so grateful you did. Everybody else is of no importance. Good on you for choosing what is best for you both🧡

Wisdom and Blessing 🤎💜

2y↑26

I’m a 19 year old mother and my friend told me

Fuck what anyone says or things

All that matters now is your baby and your happiness.

It made me very happy to hear that from her. It’s so true!

E B

2y↑25

Tell them that you are showing your child that you care about their problems and you appreciate their effort to communicate, which, in a nonverbal child, is crying.

Wisdom and Blessing 🤎💜

2y↑2

@E B wow. Well stated!

lauren paterson

2y↑1

Do what u think u owe nothing to others

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Melissa

33w↑2

I bet the babies that had insecure attachments had moms that worked while they were little. I have anxious attachment and my mom worked. I’m waiting until my son starts kindergarten until I start working again. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom and I realize how important it is to these babies!

lunarballoonistxo

2y↑7

My baby knows I'm coming for her and she knows she's never alone! She lights up when we come pick her up she's very secure so far it makes me happy since I still struggle with attachment from my own mother. She was ambivalent towards her children and still pretends to be

Kayla L

2y↑54

Realizing I grew up with an ambivalent attachment style to my mom. Things make a lot more sense now lol. Now we're a lot closer thankfully!

Celline

2y↑8

Me too but I’m not close with my mum at all , it feels like she always pushes me away . Now I’m currently on a different CONTINENT and I’m not looking forward seeing my family again lol . But I’m glad you have a better relationship with her now

Ketikatz

2y↑45

Watching this makes me feel more reassured that I'm doing good with my son
He's almost a year old and both my doctor and therapist talked about how attentive I always am and how fast he calms when I pick him up if he gets fussy

Dabrinkdabrink

2y↑34

I have 6 children and I had the same exact parenting style with each and every one of them. Some of this is nature vs nurture. Children are to a large extent pre-wired. It has to be. Because each child was different, some securely attached and two resistant. I took psychology classes in college before mine were born and was aware of this theory. I noticed the two children not being b securely attached and spent extra time and energy with them out of fear they wouldn’t be successful. Side note: they are all successful and happy so far.

Serena Mitchell

2y↑5

I’d be very interested in the birth order of the kids especially the two. I have four and I thought I raised them all the same until my two older ones pointed out all the different ways I was raising the two younger ones, it was an eye opener, just by virtue of having more than one child to pay attention to, and then the older had activities and groups you had to take them to bringing the younger ones along thereby ie less quality time with the younger ones, and with more kids came more chores so more expectation of helping out from the older ones, they simply have been raised different and there’s ten years difference from oldest to youngest, so me as a mom has got to have been different ten years of growing up on my part shall we say. I have four brothers and I feel birth order explains the much. I also feel gender preference by some parents plays a role from my own experience as a child. I’m hoping to be a better grandparent by continuing to learn from others who have walked the parenting path before me and are willing to share their insights. Blessings

Dabrinkdabrink

2y↑3

@Serena Mitchell Hmm interesting. Mine are 32, 29, and 28 and then 22, 19, and 18. Resistant kiddos 29 y/o and 19 y/o. We have all sat and talked about it and the only thing the kids said I did that they felt was different was when I ended up giving special attention to the middle children when I saw their temperament was different. Then they said that would make them sometimes think I had a favorite (but then the older girls said then when the younger children were born we could see why and understand. All are girls. I haven’t read a lot about birth order but I think I will see if there’s any good books on it I can check out. 🙏🏼

alittlewonderful

2y↑1

Reminds me of the show This Is Us with Mandy Moore. Her character sort of thought the same thing too, but it wasn’t the reality. The nature of birth order has an effect too.

catherinrin

2y↑3

@Dabrinkdabrink i find it interesting that both of your kids with attachment issues have a sibling who’s a year younger than them. i think that could’ve had a big play in their development? because if you think about it like this: they were just born and by 3 months old or so you’re pregnant with the next child, they have less than 6~ months to you themselves before the next child is born. so the first 2 years of their life is heavily focused on their younger sibling. but i’m not a psychologist so take my thoughts with a grain of salt!

Dabrinkdabrink

2y↑2

@catherinrin Thats interesting and also a big fear I had at the time that I was always trying to compensate for. As a family we have all talked about this before as a like “middle child” syndrome. (Our family group chat is hilarious btw.) I used to dress them all as triplets since they were so close in size and age. Probably did a million things wrong if I look back and over analyze! Lol. They’re all happy and healthy so far in life, I guess that’s all we can hope for as parents.

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em queen of memes

2y↑20

As a child, I remember wanting nothing to do with my mother. Didn’t care when she left, and either didn’t care or resisted when she returned. I now have an anxious/insecure attachment style. Not sure how I get to that (based on my reactions to my mother leaving and returning)…but I know something went wrong when I was small.

Khurty Ramudu

Our intuition never lies!

Vivian Velasquez

2y↑12

So cool! I’m glad my almost 10 month old calms down when I give her attention and hold her!!

ROXARIANO

3y↑389

I just hope babies born in the future will have parents who really cared about their mental health even as an infant... My mom only cares now only when the damage has been done and irrevursible

Ashish Gupta

2y↑22

Well you are an adult now. And have a choice. A choice to feel this way or not. You feeling the damage is irreversible makes it just that, irreversible.

TheRiveras

2y↑3

At least she cares

Ali_Cat1912

2y↑12

Gabrielle Dawson

2y↑13

You cannot undo a wound, but you can heal it. Don't ever think you can't get better, that is self sabotage and will continue to hurt you more. It doesn't feel like it but it is possible. It will take time and a lot of effort but anything worthwhile will. I believe in you, you've got this.

c S

2y↑5

@Ashish Gupta We don't choose to feel a certain way. The damage has been done, you can't undo that. But this person does have a choice whether to deal with the past in a healthy way and to make sense of it.

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The Inspirational Lady

2y↑38

He said the last mother was inconsistent! He got used to her not coming through so he didn’t know how to react. They don’t come to us with these issues, we cause those issues. I’m just learning about these attachment theories and I see so much of myself. I’m anxious/avoidant. Anxious because of my mother and avoidant because of my father. I can’t wait to do better for my children.

Shishi Ada

2y↑2

Feel you, Barbara.

rupinderh01

Same here, I cried when I saw the child react cos i thought that must be what I did

JunePlaysGames

2y↑9

I'm a mom.. my child is almost 1 years old and I keep returning to this experiment. I hope she feels secure with me ❤️

Typical_snowflake

2y↑17

My child has never ever done this. First time I left him for more than 3 hours was for his 16th month and his first day to kindergarden. And there he went without even an eye for me lol. He has never been scared to be left or abandonned. He is so secure sometimes it's borderline insecure because he is always looking forward without looking back. But I'm happy that he feels that kind of peace in him. Unlike me who would scream and cry not to be left at school because my father left me and my mother was barely there too.

Ciara

49w↑1

your child clearly has an insecure-avoidant attachment style. Not necessarily a bad thing

Urbicide_if

2y↑8

There’s a reason that a baby’s cry is so irritating. It’s made that way so the parents react and help it with whatever it needs. Don’t ignore it. Reassurance and connection in the first 6 months of a babies life are the most crucial, without it mental health problems and issues with other relationships and socializing become almost a guarantee. Listen to your children, no matter how much they act like an annoying little shit.

TamagoEgg 🥚

34w

For ambivalent child/adult,

As a starting point, it's important for the parent to approach the situation with understanding and patience. Instead of reacting to the child's anger, the parent could acknowledge their feelings and offer a safe space for them to express their emotions. This could involve saying something like, "I can see that you're feeling upset. It's okay to feel that way."

Engaging in open communication is key. The parent could gently ask the child about their feelings, validating their experiences and emphasizing that it's alright to have mixed emotions. This helps the child feel heard and understood.
When the child denies love and affection, it's crucial for the parent not to take it personally. It's a part of their emotional process, and the parent can reassure the child that their feelings are valid. It might be helpful for the parent to express their affection in a non-intrusive way, such as leaving a comforting item nearby or giving the child some space while remaining available.

Over time, consistent and empathetic responses from the parent can help the child feel more secure in their attachment and reduce the ambivalence. It's a gradual process, and the parent's understanding and support play a vital role in helping the child navigate their complex emotions.

MsBuchnerd - Amelie

2y↑28

How did I not know about attachment theory? I've studied psychology for a year, I have a masters degree as an elementary school teacher. I've been in therapy myself. I just... How did nobody ever mention this? I only stumbled onto this because of Psychology in Seattle and as soon as Dr. Honda explained what preoccupied attachment was, I felt like something clicked in my mind and I suddenly understood a lot about myself and my relashionships. Again: How did I never hear about this?

Also: Is there a higher rate of boys having avoidant attachment?

Madison Willis

2y↑7

Since avoidant attachment is a result of cries not being listened to/ignored, and men routinely get told "suck it up", and my bf is avoidant

I've asked the same question in my mind as you, and I'd say it's probably likely

puggirl415 puggirl

2y↑2

@Madison Willis Boys yes and the first child whatever sex it is are often either handled incorrectly or asked too much of because they are the oldest.
I am female and the oldest child but was told to "suck it up" as they say. I was punished for showing emotions and learned early on to avoid both my narc alcoholic violent Father and my angry, inconsistent punishing verbally abusive Mother.
Been in therapy many times but it wasn't until I got into a support group for children of dysfunctional parents that I learned about attachment issues and what I actually need in a therapeutic relationship for that attachment style to change.
My therapist gives me a relational type of therapy so we can become attached and she can bring up her own boundaries and explore trust together.
All my previous therapists acted like neutral authority figures trying to teach me something in therapy. I wasn't attached so little true trust was cultivated. Those therapists never taught me to understand myself and give compassion to myself and learn to re-regulate when I feel abandoned or rejected. I'm learning that now.

Red Leeks

44w

No. Just women confused men not giving a f*ck with avoidant style. It's not.

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Happy Me

2y↑20

I was told to let my child cry out so can become mentally stronger. Deep in my heart I always felt no m not following this advice. Thanks to this video I have gained more confidence in my motherly instincts.

Widdekuu91

2y↑3

As far as I know you should not do that with babies, but once older kids start making up "glass of water" tricks to continue attention, you should not respond or clarify playtime is over. And depending on the type of crying, wait about 10 seconds to see if they are serious or just "bored"(not if they are seriously fearful or in pain ofcpurse)

Arusu

2y↑23

This is why every day working at a daycare, the lead teacher and I (assistant teacher) always hold the child when their parents leaves after dropping them off. We want to make them comfortable and trust us they way they trust their parents.

Herectus

1y↑8

I think the "ambivalent" child can't trust the mother and is now afraid she's going to leave again. To express his frustration and anger/anxiety, he is pushing away the toys to say, "no, I can't be carefree and play anymore because you might leave again. I have to sit here crying and holding onto you so you won't leave." Game time is over as far as he is concerned. He has learned very early not to trust his mom.

Kat, UK

2y↑27

My first few years of my life were similar to children in a Romanian orphanage. Yes, I was clean and fed but my mother just couldn’t be bothered with her unwanted third child. I have been severely depressed my whole life.

LovinglfDesigns

2y↑8

You are worthy and deserve to be here. Please find a therapist to work through these attachment issues. It's really hard to have to relive and retell experiences but often the best way out of a situation is through it. Wishing you love and light in your life.

Kat, UK

@LovinglfDesigns Thank You for your lovely message x

C A

2y↑7

You are worthy of love and space in this world. You are enough. I wish you the best and will pray for you. I know what it's like to grow up with a mother who attacked me throughout my life. Separating from her took 24 years, but then I was able to heal much faster. I finally got to a place where I don't rage when I think about her and her actions towards me and I'm actually at peace and forgive her now. We're still separated because she is the same person, but I forgive her and wish her healing in her life. I hope my story is helpful for you to hear. I believe there's always hope.

Kat, UK

2y↑2

@C A thank you x x

sezfluffy

Gabriela J it's a lot harder than that unfortunately with so bad parenting

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Ramona E

2y↑8

My son would always run off to kindergarten, happily engaging with everyone from the first day onwards. And when I came back to get him he cried. I thought the other people must think that I treat him like a dog or something 🤣 "I don't wanna go home😭"

lirrmta

2y↑2

Our LO does this at 18 months old when we pick them up for daycare, too. I wouldn't look too much into it.

Nikki H

2y↑9

Mommas, dont let your babies cry it out or leave them to cry alone at night. If they learn you'll come no matter what, they'll be happier and more secure with their ability to handle stress!

Courtney Alison

2y↑3

You know you’re an attachment style parent when the baby starts crying and you want to jump through the screen to give her hug 😅😭 it makes my heart ache 💔

Bitteersweet .-.

2y↑23

This differently should be a must to teach in schools incase unplanned pregnancy or when you’re ready you’re fully ready and prepared and who knows maybe you might have to take in your nieces/nephews like I did 🥲

Eta Okha

2y↑14

I listened to my baby more and my body, than I gave a damn what people were telling me. Am happy I listened to my babies and it built our relationship

MJ Cortez

3y↑183

I am 35 yo, male, gay man. I am here crying because I am one of those who have insecure attachment style. I've lost friend who I loved dearly, I hate my parents, I am unable to sustain a long-term relationship. I could only get to one to two months in a relationship before I begin to feel being abandoned. No matter how good-looking I am, or having sense of humor, how empathic, and how intelligent, and career-oriented I am, I find life challenging because of insecure attachment style.

Mohamad Kourani

3y↑27

counseling and therapy can make a positive impact on rebuilding confidence and strengthening a strong sense of self.

Lavisher Elena

3y↑7

Hi MJ, I just so happened to come across your comment and wondered whether you’ve heard of Thais Gibson and her personal development school? I also have had a very tough time as a fearful avoidant, but her videos on YouTube have really helped me to navigate around and put things in a much more clearer context...I hope you do find the solution as it is possible and you deserve to be happy \(^_^)/ hugs and greetings from Taiwan

CandyCandy

3y↑16

That might have influenced on you being gay

Amy Dierking

2y↑33

@CandyCandy no

Magali Garza

2y↑7

Hola. Ama y abraza consuela a tu niño interior. Ese niño que se sintió solo.
Eres fuerte tu puedes salir de esto.
Abrazos 😘

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S Mathew

2y↑10

Parenting classes should be compulsory for all parents.

mAsOcHiStIc dOll

2y↑8

I’m an avoidant attachment. Although I go to therapy and all that. My mother was emotionally unavailable towards me and my dad was out of the picture. My friends has mentioned to me that I’m emotionally unavailable & passive aggressive. I do want to be better for my kids.

Indigo Blue

2y↑12

This is interesting about babies being "insecure" like the last baby being mad at the mother despite her coming back....but I think of nature vs. Nurture, I firmly believe babies are born with part of their personality. Because, it could be that in the past the mother has failed to be comforting, but I had a friend that was extremely loving to her baby, always gave the baby attention and the baby would always pretty much react like the last baby; in that case, I feel the baby is naturally just a cranky lil human lol

Khurty Ramudu

1y↑1

We never know what’s happening behind closed doors.

Pyronic

3y↑50

Thanks for the upload. Still useful 8 years later!

Vanessa Doucette

2y↑6

As a twin, I wonder what the effects on bonding with mothers and attachment when there is a twin involved. We bond with our siblings possibly to compensate for decreased contact/ sharing with mom. Separation from either would be distressing.

Jordan Tsoodle

1y↑1

It’s honestly sad to understand that my problems come from my childhood and what my parents did. I just hope to be a better mother than mine. I hope to raise a secure child.

lovelylisa1984

1y↑3

My youngest son was breast fed and refused a bottle so when i went back to work I’d take my lunch breaks to feed him at the daycare. Once i showed up unannounced and i heard my son screaming and crying i went into the room and the daycare just left him there. He looked like he had been crying a long time- he could hardly breathe. It was the worst feeling as a mother. He’s 10 now and sometimes I wonder how long she’d been doing that for and if it affected him at all. It kills me. He didn’t stay at that daycare for much long after. 😢

reem930

7y↑635

I'm sure these babies must be close to 21 years old by now.. and so I wonder if they did do a follow up.

Coco Taveras

5y↑11

reem930 When was this experiment conducted?

keegan112099

5y↑62

Theres been several experiments like this done. Attachment types is a well known phenomena that's a basic part of psychology curriculum. Your attachment type can tell a lot about relationships you form all throughout your life

Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band

2y↑2

This looks like 90s, based on the women's dress.

April Smith

Why would they?? They are showing what they want shown.

Madison Willis

2y↑10

@April Smith ?????

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Celty

1y↑1

I feel so bad for the third child. For me, I find it hard take comfort in others. I believe because too many invalidations and/ or too much neglect happened. I hope he's OK now.

Rai J

2y↑3

I’m not sure how accurate this is. I adopted three children from foster care, and they all had various reactions to their chaotic infancies. The oldest called every woman “mommy,” asked strangers (always women) to hold her and then would glare at me, and once she began to understand that she was part of our family, she grew to love us all, except that she kept me (mommy) at an emotional arm’s length and never really learned to trust me. The middle one was smiley and sweet, and loved everyone, and has ended up with a very secure attachment to me. The youngest has always been excessively clingy with me and worries about me leaving him.

Victoria D

2y↑4

Yeah, they didn’t discuss the child’s temperament in this video, a shortcoming of the study IMO.

Daly Shorts

2y↑1

Everyone experiences trauma differently. What matters here is that you raised them correctly after the trauma. Even if they develop different attachments, if you raised them with love they would likely still turn out ok. Having different attachment styles doesn't necessarily mean they are suffering anymore

Emily Mulligan

37w

When i was little (33 now), I would cry and scream whenever my mom left me.
I still live with her and cant leave her alone 🤣

I was extremely coddled and spoiled tbh

Madi Diaveli

2y↑1

This made me realize that when I was younger I most definitely had an insecure attachment style

Moon V

2y↑3

My mom said I was a very quiet baby and not very playful. I guess it was my avoidant style

Hearts in the Home

2y↑1

It could be the mother being inconsistent, but I think it is partly the personality of the child too. I have 3 boys. The first was a ‘Velcro’ baby - I couldn’t use the loo without him wanting to be there too. I just let him be with me as much as he needed and I’m glad I did. But the second was different from the start. I couldn’t comfort him the same way I did my first. The more I tried to comfort him, the angrier he got, no matter what he was upset about. He’s more willing to accept comfort at 3 years old now, but still fiercely independent. I just let him have his space and offer him open arms once he has dealt with his anger.

Alice n Wndrlnd

2y↑1

I actually wonder if part of the reason to this is the fact that he is a second sibling and that part of your attention alao goes to your first child..but obviously its true that each child has his own personallity. I have 2 cats i raised together and they still have different personalities haha

Hearts in the Home

@M I'm not offended. I try to be the best mother I can be, and I do try to consider feedback no matter if it's over the internet 😆. That's why I watch these kinds of videos anyway. Perhaps the situation is better described by saying, 'when he is angry, I offer him open arms, and when he is ready he comes for a hug'.

I think being a second child has contributed to some behaviours, but I hope not this one! I'm a second child myself and felt neglected growing up, so was determined not to let my second son feel that way. But honestly, from birth he wanted to be independent. After parenting my 'velcro child' I was so used to being able to comfort my baby with my presence and by being rocked and cradled that I was so confused when it didn't seem to help with my second. There was one time when he was still only a few weeks old and he was just so upset. I tried everything that had ever worked for my eldest when he was a baby, but he just screamed louder and harder. Eventually, I just put him down in a cot to take a breather for a few minutes. My husband was nearby as well, but we were both out of ideas. I came back about 5 mins later and was so surprised to find him sleeping peacefully. From then onwards, it was something that just seemed to work. I cuddled him whenever he would let me, and then when he didn't, I put him down - either on a play mat, or a cot or in his pram where he could watch us. Sometimes I would forget to put him down, as trying to soothe him was so ingrained for me, but mostly it made him scream harder.

As. I said, he is now 3. He is quite attached now, so I hope I did the right thing. Say he falls over and hurts himself, he will come running to me, where he didn't always do that.

Hearts in the Home

This is not the only incident that makes me describe him as independent, obviously. He wanted to dress himself super early on, and he wanted me to sit and watch how capable he was. He hated falling over in public (he especially refused comfort in such scenarios) and seemed more angry at himself for falling over, than upset about being hurt. He walked fairly early and didn't want any coaching or help - he would push away our helping hands, and he talked early too. I think he still likes his own space, even when he is not angry or upset he usually leaves the company of the rest of the family to play alone for at least an hour or so per day.

Alice n Wndrlnd

@Hearts in the Home my baby boy when he waa born, he would scream bloody murder for hours ..and being my first one i was sure i am somehow failing him, or am not good enough because nothing seems to sooth him, he would scream for hours and people have told me i juat need to let him scream and eventually he will fall asleep in the crib. Those were terrible times but i never gave up and just let him scream by himself..later on i found out he was lactose intolerant- and baby formula was lactose based. I found it out much later on since i switched to full breast feeding soon after birth and his screaming settled down

Hearts in the Home

@Alice n Wndrlnd oh, that sounds like it was a really hard time! Raising children is certainly not for the faint-hearted. I feel as though bringing home a baby is really like getting ‘thrown in the deep end’.
I used to wonder that there was so little training available for such a significant undertaking. You could easily do a degree on feeding and sleep schedules, managing tantrums and meltdowns, child psychology, basic first aid and childhood illnesses, child development, early childhood education… etc! So much to get your head around and I think makes you ‘grow up’ in a way.

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Emotophobic CDD

4y↑97

Why isn't this test done several times on EVERY child/parent in the whole world?

Oongaboongabitfatdoggy

4y↑13

I don’t think everyone would be up to partake in it because many think it’s cruel. Also ... time ... money blah blah

Clutchsleeps

4y↑4

you wanna pay for it? if not, st.fu and just be thankful we have this

Mimi Ramone

3y↑2

Emotophobic CDD ^^ This. That’s exactly how studies should be run. A lot of Science is about theories Full of biased assumptions. They should at least look at Pre-defined variables amongst this study group Over time. The general population won’t buy Wrapping people into one of four categories… looks too much like a horoscope.

Madison Willis

2y↑1

@Mimi Ramone this is actually widely discussed in psychology and is part of it and has decades of research on it.

It's really not hard to categorize people into one of these 4 groups like you're acting like it is.

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Keiran

2y↑3

Standard dad response there, 'i know you're upset, but she'll survive' 😂

Hooman Adnan

Moms are blessing ❤️

mightybfool C

7y↑235

What about the babies that don't get upset when the mom leaves and just keeps playing?

CMHolden

7y↑90

We talked about this in Psycology. Basically, their's a more detailed experiment where they introduce a stranger as well to see if the baby would respond to them. The stranger would try and play with the baby, which is another criteria. If the baby doesn't get upset, it's generally the second one shown here (avoidant)

Effrosyni Kokaliari

6y↑118

yes it is a more clear type of avoidant..and they seem OK but experience very high levels of stress

Daniel Clifford

5y↑49

Dis-Organized, usually trauma based is also a possibility as child will remain in a frozen state.

Metso

5y↑23

Insecure-avoidant

Icebörg

5y↑95

I did, according to my mom, I kept playing. Yet when I was a little older, I was very upset when she wasn't with me. A test said I tend towards disorganized attachment and I'm pretty miserable. I'm scared af of romantic/sexual relationships and even friendships are a challenge. I have trouble regulating my emotions and suffer from a number of mental illnesses and problems. I don't feel like I can handle life by myself and like I need someone to take care of me.. as if I was still a child.

14 More Replies...

Hafoka gang

2y↑6

I hate how when people say let my son cry like no, I will always make sure my baby is fine and then I will let him play again I feel so good that what I am doing is good and I am setting him up for love and comfort.

Sugar Vampire

1y↑5

I've developed insecure attachment with my mom. She used to leave me at the care of my grandma bc she had to work, I still remember having anxiety at kindergarten and basically that emotion has followed me all my life. Now I have chronic depression, anxiety and attachment issues with my romantic partners. I just simply don't want to anyone to leave me

Ash Iff

This is extremely insightful, thank you for posting these information

Must it mean something?

2y↑1

as soon as we stopped being cute, biddable youngsters, my dad started behaving very toxically toward us. Now I sit with all those dysfunctional coping mechanisms I had to learn in order to not upset him, or get love and approval.
I wished do hard that I was actually adopted, which would have explained his disgust in me. He actually told me that he wished I had never been born, and I replied with "I wish it, too."
And then they were surprised when I tried to commit suicide...

Tina Meyers

2y↑4

I think you can still let your baby cry it out in certain circumstances for sure and still have a secure attachment. It all depends on a lot of different factors

Daly Shorts

2y↑2

Stop telling yourself that. Put yourself in the child's place. Think of how hurt and lonely they feel. Letting a child cry is abandoning them emotionally. It's neglect.

Maquillage79

2y↑1

Sometimes you have to especially if you are a single parent , you might need a breather for 10 min , it’s better than everyone getting frustrated and crying .

Helette Loubser

2y↑7

Young mothers! Please never listen to other people (family, friends, teachers, doctors, media) trust your God given instinct and be there for your child, always.

Charming Jinx

2y↑11

When my kid was that age and I left the room, he'd come along behind me to shut the door after I left, then he'd go back to play. Now he's an adult and still thinks he knows everything.

Cheri L. Hausmann

2y↑11

There are so many different variables such as, if the child is at home, he's probably not going to react so avoidant. The child probably reacts differently in an unfamiliar place.

Tassi Brookes

31w

If you will become a parent one day it’s important to practice immense patience, and it is wise to start understanding the meaning of “unconditional love”, and to learn about baby proofing an environment. A safe place with a loving safe parent is the foundation to a secure child. Fancy toys and trips to Disney are not a measure of good parenting. Patience, love with no conditions and a safe environment.

Tanash Thompson

2y↑1

If a child is focused on a task or playing they won’t always get upset as soon as a parent leaves the room though

Katha Rina

2y↑3

Wow! That's me!😭 When my mom left me with my grandparents because they had to work for days...i didn't talk to them for a day or so when they got me back! 😳 I still have the flight impulse in dating if i sense abandonment.😒

R.A. Andrews

2y↑5

When my daughter was an infant, the trend to solving "sleep problems," was to "Ferberize" the baby, or "teach the baby to self-soothe" by not responding to their nighttime cries. I could not do this with my daughter. It seemed sadistic to me, although it was very a very popular "technique" among parents to "let him/her cry it out."

Ellie Souza

43w

It seemed cruel to me, too

thibautg78

4y↑247

Baby at 2:13 is disturbing. The mother comes back and he/she doesn t seem to react, he/she looks blocked, "low-keyed" as the man says, avoidant. He/she seems disturbed by the event.

John Kimmel

3y↑26

The baby isn’t invested in sharing its feelings with her - shes no valuable to him/trusting

Cohero

3y↑23

I know someone like this. Me being gone for a week made her emotionally disconnect. It's been months and I've never been so close and transparent with someone. I've come back to loving myself, but she still comes to mind frequently. I still love her to death and always will. I can't help but see her child self as in this video.

Cohero

2y↑25

Anyone reading this, she's back!

Erin Williams

2y↑1

@Cohero happy for you

Mary Alex

@Cohero thats nice my friend 💖🙏🏻

2 More Replies...

Kayleigh Counsell

5y↑268

This is sad because these babies are now grown and probably suffering due to their attachment styles

Raffaella Maria Ribatti

5y↑45

Insicure attachment style doesn't mean necessarily they have problems... It could be their way to live relationships. I'm avoidant and I'm quite well :) disorganized attachment style is pathologic

keegan112099

5y↑37

Attachment style only really dictates the type of relationships you form and issues that COULD arise in future relationships. While yes most attachment types are due to unfortunate parenting issues the only one that's really indicative of straight up abuse or trauma is disorganized

Hime Gusano

4y↑3

We all are in some way or another xD I have ambivalent attachment style and it does get in the way when trusting others, but is manageable :3

Ina

@Hime Gusano
There's difference between attachment styles for children vs adults.
Children attachement styles are split into 3 and adult into 4.
And there is no ambivalent in adults.
It's split off.

M B

3y↑6

@Ina That's not how it works. There are 4 attachment styles in both adults and children. One could technically say that there is no ambivalent in adults, but that's only because it's called "preoccupied" in adults.

3 More Replies...

Moon Light

2y↑2

I wish these kind of important information would become a class in high schools

puggirl415 puggirl

Yes perhaps. From my adult point of view I would have hoped to get this information early so I could start therapy and heal at a younger age. It took forever to find out on my own that I had problems from my problematic upbringing. On the other hand this knowledge taught in a class could create a lot of emotion and emotional pain for young people and would have to be taught very carefully by a true expert in psychology or the knowledge wouldn't help much and might cause other problems.

lirrmta

2y↑4

I see I'm inconsistent with comforting our 18mo, especially when they wake up screaming at 3am and I'm so irritable...

Just after watching this video my toddler had an outburst and they pushed away the toy I gave them while holding them and I went "oh sh-t!"...

Most of the time they take well to comforting, but I guess/hope there's still time to be more consistent with my responses for their sake.

DOC BAINL

Hun the fact that you're aware of your own self is a huge step. I'm not a parent cause holy shit your job is so hard. I'm a bad person and I'd be a bad mother I don't want to inflict that suffering on my child. But you are trying to change. There's time to change!

Ellie Souza

43w

We're all learning... Even when they are grown. The fact you want to do better speaks volumes about how good you actually are

Azaria George

Love and like this video saw it when I was in college best thing I’ve ever learned!

N S V

33w↑1

I want to talk to the little babies that now are grown ups and see how they are and how they feel about this

No Thanks123

2y↑6

This is interesting, but I don't believe it is 100% accurate. My daughter is very ambivalent. She always has been. But, I've always been consistent in my availability to her. I've never let her cry out, have always come to her when she cries, etc... but it escalates her emotions. She literally needs time to herself to calm down and she is like this in every situation with every person (other family members and teachers). She is 4 and a half now and still like this. It seems to be part of her personality.

rpaa fourever

You or another caregiver must’ve missed been inconsistent or scary with your lack of expression or inability to soothe at some point. This is not genetic, all upbringing.

aurora verces

2y↑3

i can so relate to him slapping away that toy literally like-

A I

3y↑34

Who else watches these videos but doesn't even have a baby yet lol

Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band

2y↑1

Interested in emotional immaturity. Not kids.

Sanura Nephtys

2y↑3

Yeah and I'm not even planning to be a mother soon, but if I have a child someday, I want to know everything about parenting, so my child has an excellent start in this world

Shishi Ada

Me. Well, I'm reflecting about my childhood days.

Daly Shorts

2y↑1

That's exactly who should be watching though. Learn these things before you have kids and regret the way you raised them

Margaretha

2y↑1

Never had much baby gadgets. I would buy a baby swing or playpen but didn't have the heart to leave my child stuck in one of either so I decluttered them. I liked having my child on my hip. Miss those days

Kelley TheNurse

2y↑1

Who else is here to see if they’ve messed up their kids or not? 🤪 based on this short clip, I think they’ve got a secure attachment, but now I’m going to be watching closely to see what they do when I step away just to be sure

Marketrooper

33w↑1

Hi Marie, any idea where we can what the full episode or clip of this? Not sure if it's a documentary or reportage. Thanks!

BunnaySango

2y↑1

This is what sleep training does. Dont let anyone tell you "they will be ok" with sleep training.

Ellie Souza

43w

I agree! I could never let my children "cry it out"

n n n

2y↑1

I found out I have a dismissive avoidant style. My mum was always there and did a good job but my dad was unreliable

fermented zucchini

2y↑1

The way I was raised I wouldn’t have even cried when my mom left the room, lol. I never got to be a child

S H

2y↑1

I wonder if the non secure attachment styles can be changed over time and if so, how long would it take? I hope the 2nd and 3rd moms saw this and tried to adjust thier actions to help thier children. Meanwhile...I'm over here overanalyzing everthing I have done and if my child has a secure attachment to me 🧐😰

Not convinced

2y↑4

In the country where I live, the US, we don’t believe in letting the mother stay with their child at an early age. Maternity leave is only for the first 2 months. Meanwhile we’re willing to let the government pay someone else to take care of their child, why not just give the mother the opportunity to care for her own child?

Daly Shorts

2y↑3

The government doesn't pay someone to watch your child in the US. Childcare is extremely expensive. That's why I quit my job, because I didn't even make enough to pay for childcare so it didn't make sense to work. It's a struggle though. I agree 6-12 months paid maternity leave should be the law here

sweethomechicago

2y↑2

The government absolutely does subsidize child care in the United States for low-income workers. Also if you're on welfare and wish to return to work you can have your parents watch the baby and they can paid to take care of the baby. The problem of me were having is that when you are middle class in the United States you make too much to qualify for these government assistance programs but you don't make enough that you can afford a private nanny, Etc it's a really difficult situation and it holds women back in the United States

Not convinced

2y↑1

@sweethomechicago That’s what I mean they’re willing to pay someone else to watch your kid why not just pay you so you could stay home and watch your own kid

Teresa Manuszak

@sweethomechicago nice assuming everyone has "parents" to watch the baby.

SweetHeart4806

2y↑5

This broke my heart because I saw some avoidant patterns my own child does.....the problem is I WANT to be there for my son, and I WANT to be in his life, but I have been kept away from him by my mother and her husband. It's awful.

Nela

2y↑3

Why?

SweetHeart4806

@Nela Well, it started because I lost my cool with a friend of mine (who now hates my guts) because I feel he was jamming me in about something said or that he THOUGHT I would say to the mother of his children. I have borderline personality disorder, my mother has some personality traits that are quite emotionally and mentally abusive....it is difficult for me to interact with her. She started to meddle in my business with my friend that evening. Long story short I got kicked out and things got worse and worse over the next few months. It has now gotten to the point where my mother refuses to let me see OR speak to my son, he wouldn't even say HELLO to me or hug me when I saw him last (he's only 5 years old).
My heart is so broken and it feels like I can't breathe without him. I have given up on everything. I hate feeling this way.

SweetHeart4806

I am at the point now where I feel it is just better that I stay away and never see my son again. It is killing me....but it's what I deserve, right??
Who cares how hard I fought (and LOST) for him, I am being selfish by continually trying to be in his life when he quite obviously doesn't want me to be.

SweetHeart4806

@Nela it isn't that easy....or TRUST ME I would have done that (and more) long ago!!
My son was apprehended at birth because "as a child & into my adolescence I was repeatedly abused & neglected & the Ministry (CPS in Canada) was involved in my life. As a result of this I am LIKELY TO ABUSE OR NEGLECT MY CHILD.". And .....they put him in the care of my primary abuser!!!!
I have no rights as his mother.....i wasn't even allowed to breast feed my son.

4 More Replies...

EM

Oh, so that's why I'm like this with my mom now.

Hu9man

We need to apply these thoughts to ourselves, our roots, ways of being, human

KawaMizu

Doesn't this depend on the day? And also in which phase and age the child is now?

Chrystel Sinclair-Guionneau

2y↑3

My ex's little girl, that I considered like my own, had a mom that only cared about prestige, grades and her boyfriend (+their baby). My ex was too neglectful whereas I, for almost 8 years was this kid's rock, loving and caring, protective and reassuring... when we broke up, I asked to still be part of her life as I was the only "stable one" in her life. I told both parents I was afraid for her mental development but wasn't allowed to keep in touch and I accepted. Years later this kid who is in her late teens contacted me. Her cry for attention and love made her depressive and she started cutting. She was getting into fights at school and is now eating medicine for ADHD. Her parents still care little about her and she asked me if she could move into my family when she'll turn 18. Though one but as someone who has a very difficult childhood I know she can change, feel secure and good about herself.

Ju

43w

Or not. Would be better if you helped her out...

Ju

43w

She may not make it until 18 and just because no one helped her.

bles_sing

that part of my brain in a nutshell: i am an avoidant..i will never ever have a child 😂😂😂

Leftover

2y↑15

I can't even watch this. Sometimes when my mom was mad at me, she wouldn't talk to me for days. And I remember yelling I'm sry and bawling my eyes out and she just left me there in my room because I had lied about doing my homework or sth. I was 10 years old. Lying is terrible and I get that it should not be ignored, but that experience back then completely destroyed my trust in her and my worldview. Something died that day.

Maravilinda makeup

I really sorry this happend to you!!!
How is your relationship with her now?

C

Yeah my mom ignored me as a toddler when I had made her angry so I became really quiet and never tried to upset anyone. My mom always told everyone how proud she was of me cause I never screamed or cried and never caused any problems

Ajrwilde

44w

Aww that is awful

Teej

2y↑1

With the law change that has happened in America, there are going to be a lot more neglected children out there. So sad.

Rat Queen

2y↑1

I would get screamed at for crying for my mum. Jeeez-seeing this in third person is harrowing

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