Night After Christmas
Jeff Foxworthy Lyrics

Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer
It was the night following Christmas, and there was silence throughout their trailer home.

The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler
All of the beer had gone flat, and the pizza was left uneaten and had become stale.

The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys
The Christmas stockings remained empty, with no candy or toys inside.

I was camped out on my old La-Z-Boy
Jeff Foxworthy was relaxing on his well-worn La-Z-Boy recliner.

The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife
Jeff's children were avoiding all conversation with him and his wife.

The worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives
According to Jeff's children, this was the worst Christmas they had ever experienced.

My wife couldn't argue and neither could I
Neither Jeff nor his wife could find it in them to argue about the situation.

So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried
Jeff watched TV while his wife cried, as they both tried to cope with the disappointment of the day.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin'
Jeff's dog began to bark loudly outside in the yard.

I stood up and looked and saw Sheriff Larkin
Upon standing up to investigate the noise, Jeff saw Sheriff Larkin in his yard.

He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
Sheriff Larkin informed Jeff that he was obligated to enforce the law.

And I got a complaint from a feller named Clause"
The Sheriff had received a complaint from someone named Clause.

I said, "Clause, I don't know nobody named Clause
Jeff told the Sheriff that he did not know anyone named Clause.

And you ain't takin me in without probable cause"
Jeff refused to be taken in by the Sheriff without probable cause.

Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night"
The Sheriff informed Jeff that someone had been shot the previous night.

I said, "That might've been me, just what's he look like?
Jeff asked the Sheriff what the man looked like.

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly
Sheriff Larkin described the shooting victim as being a jolly man with a large belly.

That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly
The man's belly jiggles when he laughs, much like a bowl full of jelly.

He sports a long beard and a nose like a cherry"
The man had a long beard and a cherry-red nose, according to the Sheriff.

I said, "That sounds like my wife's sister Sherri"
Jeff jokingly suggested that the victim might actually be his wife's sister.

"It's no time for jokes Roy," the Sheriff he said
The Sheriff scolded Jeff for making jokes during such a serious investigation.

"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red
The Sheriff described the victim as wearing all red clothing.

I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean
The Sheriff demanded that Jeff come clean and tell the truth about the situation.

Tell me what you done, and tell me what you seen"
The Sheriff wanted Jeff to recount all that he had done and seen the previous night.

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell
Jeff considered lying before deciding to tell the truth.

It wouldn't be the first time I spent New Years in jail
Jeff had previously spent New Year's in jail and did not care to repeat the experience.

I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten
Jeff began recounting what had happened the previous night to the Sheriff.

I thought that my wife had been drinking again"
Jeff initially believed that his wife's odd behavior might be related to drinking too much alcohol.

When she walked in from works she was white as a ghost
Jeff's wife arrived home from work looking extremely pale and frightened.

I thought maybe she'd seen one of them UFO's
Jeff considered the possibility that his wife had seen a UFO before she explained what she had actually seen.

But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head
Jeff's wife had seen a group of deer flying overhead, which seemed impossible.

And stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red
The deer had landed on the roof of Jeff's neighbor, Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shutter
Once Jeff went outside to see the deer on Red's roof, he was filled with fear and apprehension.

A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter
Jeff saw a freezer filled with venison sitting on Red's gutter.

Well, my hands were a shaking as I grabbed my gun
Jeff was so afraid that his hand shook when he picked up his gun.

When outta Red's chimney this feller did run
Suddenly, a man appeared, running out of Red's chimney.

And slung on his back was this bag overflowin'
The man had a large overflowing bag slung over his back.

I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowlin'
Jeff initially believed that the man had stolen Red's possessions while he was away bowling.

So I yelled, "Drop it fat boy, hands in the air"
Jeff demanded that the man drop his bag and raise his hands in surrender.

But he went about his business like he hadn't a care
The man ignored Jeff's demands and continued working as if nothing was happening.

So I popped off a warning shot over his head
Jeff fired a warning shot over the man's head.

Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled
In response to Jeff's warning shot, the man dropped his bag and jumped into a sled.

And as he flew off I heard him extort
As the man rode away in his sled, Jeff heard him make a threat.

"that's assault with intent Roy, I'll see you in court.
The man threatened to take Jeff to court for assault.

"I'll tell you what sheriff if you put a subnet"
In an abrupt change of topic, Jeff offered a suggestion to the Sheriff.

On me I won't show up ill hold up in the cellar
Jeff promised to hide in his basement and refuse to cooperate if they tried to arrest him.

And you'll never rout me outta there
He was certain that they would be unable to locate him in his hiding place.

So why don't you just
Jeff continued trying to make light of the situation.

Turn car off come
He suggested that the Sheriff should turn his car off and come inside to relax.

In well watch wrestling eat some
They could watch wrestling on TV and eat some food.

Easter bunny stew and talk about howta catch that tooth fairy
Jeff suggested eating Easter bunny stew and discussing ways to catch the tooth fairy, making a lighthearted joke to lighten the mood.

She's been over here about every other night
He added that the tooth fairy had been visiting frequently lately.