The Cramper
Kid Rock Lyrics

Have you ever known a free lancer
Have you ever encountered someone who lives independently, without a regular job or fixed income?

Thinks that he's a camper
Acts as if he's a person who enjoys outdoor activities, but without actually engaging in any.

Known around my way as the cramper
Referred to by local people as the person who overstays his welcome and is always a nuisance.

Like P.M.S. always pokin'
Pestering persistently in a way that resembles the symptoms of Premenstrual Syndrome (P.M.S.).

But he won't go away with a little Motrin
He's so annoying that even taking pain medication like Motrin won't be enough to make him leave.

Now if you ever heard the term cramper and you wonder
If you're unfamiliar with the term 'cramper' and you're curious about what it means,

The worms kinda like I guess a modern day Felix Unger
The person is somewhat similar to the character Felix Unger from the television show 'The Odd Couple', who is fastidious and irritating.

When ya first meet em ya think he's O.K.
When you first meet the cramper, you might think that he's okay and harmless.

But then you learn a little bit of the cramper goes a long way
After spending some time with the cramper, you realize that his presence can be unbearable and has a long-lasting negative impact.

Hear say here I say through the grapevine
This is what people are saying about him through word-of-mouth communication.

He squawks and he gawks and he walks a thin line
He talks excessively and loudly, behaving in a very irritating way and often pushing boundaries.

Just like a little fuckin' fag
Using a homophobic slur here to describe his disapproval and irritation towards the cramper's behavior.

He always wants to get high but never has a bag
He frequently asks for drugs but never brings any of his own supply.

Never works says he can't find the right job
He doesn't work regularly and claims that he can't seem to find the right job.

Ain't got a dime and when he does he's a tightwad
Even when he does have money, he doesn't like to spend it and tries to keep it to himself.

He's the dampest there's no one damp
He is the most unpleasant, irritating, and uncomfortable person to be around, nobody comes close.

Now the crampers red, there's no one redder
He looks red-faced and angry all the time, and nobody else can be redder in the face than he is.

He rides ya wrong like a really tight sweater
His presence feels like an uncomfortable, suffocating tightness around you, similar to wearing a really tight sweater.

He's sorta like a mouse a pest of a peer
He resembles a pestering mouse that keeps coming back and behaving annoyingly in a way that frustrates others.

You come home he's at your house drinkin' your last beer
You return home and the cramper is there, already drinking the last of whatever beer you had because he never brings his own.

Pokin' and strokin' he makes you want to belt him
He keeps bothering you, poking and prodding annoyingly, making you feel like you want to hit him.

Always wearin' out his mother fuckin' welcome
He consistently overstays his welcome and makes himself at home, no matter how unwelcome he is.

And then sporty's never that cautious
He doesn't care about being careful or cautious, and often behaves unreservedly and without regard for consequences.

He sips from your forty and he always backwashes
He takes a sip from your forty (40 oz bottle of beer) and then backwashes it, contaminating the entire bottle with his own saliva.

Talk about a certain subject, he'll jinx it
If you're discussing a specific topic or situation, he'll say or do something that makes it go wrong or turn out badly.

Let him borrow a shirt, the stooge always shrinks it
If you lend him a shirt, he'll inevitably return it shrunken, spoiled, or damaged.

He's the dampest, there's no one damper
He's the most irritating, unpleasant, and unbearable person around, nobody else comes close.

Huh huh.... he's the mother fuckin' cramper
This is how Kid Rock sums up the annoying and unbearable nature of the cramper in the song's chorus.