Beowulf
Momus Lyrics

I have come with my sword Naegling
I have arrived armed with my weapon Naegling

And the usual aches and pains
And as always, I am experiencing my typical physical discomfort

To defeat Grendel, the monster
My purpose is to defeat the monster known as Grendel

Lately scourge of the Danes
Who has recently been tormenting the Danish people

Showing no mercy in the mead hall
This monster has been mercilessly attacking people while they drink in the hall

He laid waste thirty thanes
This beast has already killed thirty warriors

In return I will chop off his shoulder
My plan is to cut off one of his shoulders as revenge

Then I will deal with his mother
And afterwards, I will handle his mother

Where is the disabled loo?
Excuse me, I must locate the restroom designated for those with disabilities

I'm feeling slightly queasy, woozy
I am experiencing a sense of nausea and dizziness

So would you if you'd had to do
You would understand if you had to go through

The things I've had to do
The actions that I have had to take

Slay the good, slay the bad
I have had to take lives, whether deserved or not

Do I have the right to use the disabled loos?
I question if I am entitled to use facilities for the disabled, given my physical challenges

Did they send the right man from the land of heroes?
I am uncertain if I have been chosen correctly to represent the land of heroes

Stop laughing, I am Beowulf
Please refrain from laughing, I am the acclaimed hero Beowulf

I give you my oath, as I was born
I promise you with great sincerity, as is innate to me

And I am deformed
And yet, I am not without physical abnormalities

Cancer gubbins that hangs at my neck like a turkey throat
I have a string of tumors hanging from my neck resembling a turkey's wattle

Swaddling leather trussing up a shrivelled belly bloat
My distended stomach is held in by tight leather straps

Dangling from my orifice is a puzzling speculum drip
Hanging from a particular orifice of mine is a perplexing medical device

If you promise not to tell anyone I have a hare lip
Please keep it confidential that I have a cleft lip

A smoking hole and a very large mole
There is a smoking cavity and large, raised mole on my skin

My face it slithers, my ears are torn
My facial features are contorted, and my ears are shredded

So go ahead, laugh, you won't be the first
Please feel free to laugh; you would hardly be the first to do so

Richard the Hundredth, the Hunchback laughed
Many people, including Richard the Hundredth who was a hunchback, have laughed at me before

Henry Dalrymple the simpleton convulsed with mirth
And even people like Henry Dalrymple, who lacks intelligence, find great amusement in my appearance

At this sick rubber joke my bones as they poke out of a hole in my skin
My deformities make me the butt of jokes, including tasteless references to bones poking through my skin

At this helplessly flailing mutant appalling prosthetic thalydomide limb
People are horrified by my prosthetic limb, which resembles the badly affected limbs of those affected by thalidomide

Have a good laugh while you're at it at my schlong
And it seems my genitals are also a subject of ridicule

My metallic foot brace it scratches and drags
The metal brace I wear on my foot is uncomfortable and scrapes along the ground

I dribble down a twig
I drool uncontrollably

I twitch along the ground
My movements are unsteady and spasmodic

My Breugel boots they beggar belief
My boots, which are in the style of Pieter Bruegel, are quite absurd

I have the stinky shanks of a hound
My legs smell like those of a dog

My patchy moustache hides a birthmark
Even my mustache looks strange, and serves to cover up a birthmark

I have come to save Denmark
Despite my appearance, I am here to be the hero of Denmark

Stop laughing
Please, do not laugh

Stop laughing, I am Beowulf
I implore you to stop laughing; it is I, Beowulf

I give you my oath, as I was born
I swear to you with the full weight of my character

And I am the hero coming to save you
I am the one who will emerge victorious and protect you from harm

I am deformed
However, it is true that I am not physically perfect