Robert Dye
Momus Lyrics

They say the Prince Consort was afflicted, you know
Rumor has it that the Prince Consort suffered from various medical defects, including a strange disease that he contracted from the German ports.

With medical defects of many sorts
The Prince Consort had multiple health problems.

And even a disease of an anti-social nature
In addition to physical illnesses, the Prince Consort had a disease that caused him to avoid social interactions.

He'd picked up from the Northern German ports
The Prince Consort contracted the anti-social disease from the ports in Northern Germany.

General Impediment
Referring to a medical condition or illness.

With your medical equipment
A sarcastic phrase to mock medical practitioners who think they can cure everything using their equipment.

To purge excess sediment from the depths of the spleen
To remove unnecessary or unwanted things from deep within the body.

Plumbers by appointment
Sarcastic reference to medical practitioners who view physical health as if it were plumbing.

To His Majesty Prince Albert
Addressing the Prince Consort, who had various medical problems.

You'll never make a whipping boy of me
I won't be a scapegoat or victim for anyone.

For I'm Mr Robert Dye, commercial traveller
Introducing himself as Robert Dye, a traveling salesman.

I worked my way up to Managing Director
He had to work hard to get where he is today.

Of Sphincter and Linctus, Manufacturers
Referring to the name of a company that manufactures remedies for various ailments.

Our remedies cure all the maladies
The company's products claim to cure all types of illnesses.

That daren't speak their names
Referring to illnesses that people are too embarrassed or afraid to mention.

Woe betide the malaise that stands in my way
I won't let anything, not even diseases, hinder my success and progress.

General Impediment, you've had your day
Referring to his previous mention of General Impediment, suggesting that this type of medical understanding is outdated and irrelevant.

Time gentlemen please, and goodnight ladies
It's time to end the conversation and leave, using a formal and polite expression.

I wash my contact lenses in a kettle
Sarcastic statement to imply that he uses unorthodox ways to clean everyday objects.

It really is the quickest, cleanest way
According to the artist, washing your contact lenses in a kettle is actually the best way to do it.

I removed all my hair one day and bought a nice toupee
He got rid of all his hair and got a toupee instead.

Cos I've never liked my own hair anyway
He never liked his hair, making it easier for him to replace it with a toupee.

Never get undressed in front of the window honey
Advice to a loved one not to undress in front of a window to avoid getting unwanted attention.

People will think I married you for the money
People might think he married his partner for the money, hence the warning.

I dress up as Gandhi
He likes to dress up as Gandhi, a famous Indian leader who promoted peace and nonviolence.

It impresses foreign clients, you see
Dressing up as Gandhi might help appeal to clients from other countries who appreciate that culture.

I like breast milk, but never in my tea
A preference for breast milk, but not in one's tea.

What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander
The same rules should apply to everyone fairly.

The animals talk to me, I talk to them
Suggesting he has a special relationship with animals.

When we rule the world you'll be sorry
Suggesting that he and animals will rule the world one day and others will have to answer for the way they've treated animals.

Catch my drift, going my way
Do you understand what I'm saying? And, are you following me?

Say no more, hi-de-hey
No need to say more, expressed using a cheerful and carefree tone.

A nudge is as good as a wink at the end of the day
A subtle hint or gesture is as good as a direct indication.

18 Wheeler, best band in the world
Referring to the Legendary country rock band, 18 Wheeler.

Trudy my mother had me by Caesarian
A statement about how the person was born through Caesarian section.

Grandmother Schlump got shoved under a tram
Stating that his Grandmother Schlump was hit by a tram and died.

Lotte, mum's twin, said the Aryans did her in
Aryans are a term referring to Nazi German propaganda, suggesting that Robert Dye's mother's twin died because she refused to support their ideology.

For refusing to be beastly to anyone
Lotte's death was due to her refusal to be cruel or mean to other people, especially against their will.

This life can be hard but keep up your dander
Encouraging others to stay resilient in life, especially when things become tough.

God bless my family and my career
Expressing gratitude to God for his family and the career he has established.

If it wasn't for sediment we'd never be here
If it weren't for the deep-seated contributions, hardships, and obstacles that people face in life, we wouldn't be where we are today.

You're far from seeing the back end of me
You haven't seen the last of me yet.

I'll have you on your knees, time gentlemen please
A line that implies his confidence and ability to beat his rivals, told to end a conversation politely.

And goodnight ladies
Used to politely signal the end of a conversation or interaction, using a light-hearted, friendly tone.