How Could You Leave Us
NF Lyrics

How could you leave us so unexpected?
NF expresses his confusion and hurt at the unexpected loss of his mother due to her addiction to pills.

We were waiting, we were waiting
NF and his family had been hoping their mother would make it through her addiction and return to them, but she ended up leaving them without warning.

For you but you just left us
Even though NF and his family needed their mother, her addiction to pills was stronger and she ended up choosing them over her family.

We needed you, I needed you
NF speaks for himself and his family when he says they all needed their mother when she was gone, but he particularly feels that need more deeply.

Yo, I don't know what it's like to be addicted to pills
NF highlights the fact that he himself had never experienced addiction to pills and so could not fully understand what it was like for his mother.

But I do know what it's like to be a witness it kills
Even though NF never experienced addiction to pills himself, he witnessed how it was killing his mother and devastating his family.

Mama told me she love me, I'm thinking this isn't real
When his mother told him she loved him, NF questioned whether it was genuine or just a facade because of her addiction.

I think of you when I get a whiff of that cigarette smell, yeah
NF remembers his mother through her cigarette smell, which had become a familiar scent to him.

Welcome to the bottom of hell
NF's mother's addiction had taken her to rock bottom, where she was trapped like in her own personal hell.

They say pain is a prison, let me out of my cell
NF wants to escape from the pain of his mother's addiction and the loss of her.

You say you proud of me, but you don't know me that well
NF's mother claimed to be proud of him, but she did not really know him or understand his life.

Sit in my room, tears running down my face and I yell
NF spent time alone in his room crying and screaming, trying to deal with the pain of his mother's addiction.

Into my pillowcases, you say you coming to get us
NF's mother promised to come back for him and his siblings but then broke that promise.

Then call 'em a minute later just to tell us you not, I'm humiliated
NF feels humiliated and embarrassed when his mother would call to say she was not coming to get them after all.

I'm in a room with a parent that I don't barely know
NF feels distant from his mother when he has to spend time with her in a room, as if he does not really know her.

Some lady in the corner watching us, while she taking notes
NF and his mother were monitored by a professional, who observed and took notes on their interactions.

I don't get it mom, don't you want to watch your babies grow?
NF questions whether his mother truly wanted to be there for him and his siblings and to see them grow up.

I guess that pills are more important, all you have to say is no
NF believes that his mother should have been able to simply say no to pills, but addiction is not that easy to overcome.

But you won't do it will you? You gon' keep popping 'til those pills kill you
NF is resigned to the fact that his mother never stopped taking pills, even though they were killing her.

I know you gone but I can still feel you
Even though his mother is dead, NF still feels her presence in his life.

Why would you leave us? Why would you leave us here?
NF questions why his mother would choose to leave him and his siblings without trying to fight her addiction.

How could you leave us here?
NF wonders how his mother could leave them behind, facing a life without her.

How would you leave us? Why would you leave us?
NF repeats his questions about why and how his mother could leave them behind.

Oh, Hey
This is a simple refrain between each chorus.

I got this picture in my room and it kills me
NF has a picture of his mother in his room, which brings him both joy and pain.

But I don't need a picture of my mom, I need the real thing
Despite the picture, what NF really wants is to have his mother alive and present in his life.

Now a relationship is something we won't ever have
Because his mother is dead, NF and her will never be able to have a real relationship.

Why do I feel like I lost something that I never had?
NF feels like he has lost something that he never really had because he and his mother were never able to have a proper relationship.

You shoulda been there when I graduated
NF wishes his mother had been there to see him graduate and share that accomplishment with him.

Told me you love me and congratulations
A mother would typically express her love and pride for her son when he graduates, but NF's mother was not there to do so.

Instead you left us at the window waiting
Instead of being there for her children, NF's mother left them waiting and disappointed.

Where you at mom? We're too young to understand where you at huh?
As children, NF and his siblings were too young to understand the nature of addiction and where their mother was.

I know those drugs got you held captive
NF acknowledges the power that drugs held over his mother and how they trapped her.

I can see it in your eyes, they got your mind captured
NF can physically see how the drugs have captured his mother's mind and made her a slave to them.

Some say it's fun to get the high but I am not laughing
NF does not find the idea of getting high to be fun or amusing, given how much it has hurt his family.

What you don't realise and what you not grasping
NF's mother cannot understand just how much her addiction has hurt her family and what an impact it has had on them.

That I was nothing but a kid who couldn't understand
As a child, NF was not yet able to fully understand addiction and how it worked.

I ain't gon' say that I forgive you cause it hasn't happened
NF is not willing to offer his forgiveness to his mother yet, because he has not yet been able to come to terms with what she did.

I thought that maybe I feel better as time passes
NF had hoped that time would heal the wounds left by his mother's addiction and death, but that has not proven to be true.

If you really cared for me, then where you at then?
NF questions whether his mother really cared for him and his family, especially given how much she hurt them with her addiction and absence.

Our last conversation, you and I sat in the living room
NF reflects on his last conversation with his mother before she died, when they sat in the living room together.

Talking 'bout my music and I brought you something to listen to
During that conversation, NF shared his music with his mother and they talked about it together.

You started crying, telling me this isn't you
NF's mother cried during their conversation and told him that her addiction and behavior was not really who she was.

Couple weeks later, guess you were singing a different tune
Just a few weeks later, NF's mother was back to taking pills and behaving like she always had.

You took them pills for the last time, didn't you?
NF's mother took one last dose of pills which ultimately killed her.

They took you from us once, guess they came back to finish you
NF feels like the pills took his mother away from them once and then came back to finish her off.

Crying my eyes out in the studio is difficult
NF finds it hard to cope with his emotions and the pain of his mother's death even while he is in the studio making music.

Music is the only place that I can go to speak to you
NF uses his music to communicate with his mother and to express his feelings about her and her addiction.

It took everything inside of me to not scream at your funeral
NF tries his best to keep his composure at his mother's funeral and not to scream out in anguish.

Sitting in my chair, that person talking was pitiful
NF feels sad and pitiful as he listens to the person speaking at his mother's funeral, because he wishes it was his mother herself.

I wish you were here mama but every time I picture you
Despite his mother's death, NF still longs for her presence and tries to picture her by his side.

All I feel is pain, I hate the way I remember you
NF's memories of his mother are painful and they make him hate how he has to remember her.

They found you on the floor, I could tell that you felt hollow
When NF's mother died, she was found on the floor in a state that made it clear to him that she had felt empty and hollow before she passed.

Gave everything you had plus your life to them pill bottles
NF's mother gave up everything she had and ultimately her life to her addiction and the pills that controlled her.

You gave everything you had plus your life to them pill bottles
NF makes the same observation again, reminding his mother that she sacrificed everything she had to her addiction.