My Darling Sara
Shane Koyczan Lyrics

The failing use of my right hand
My physical limitations and shortcomings

isn't actually the failing use of my right hand
are not a true representation of my failure

it's just another way to tell the time
it is a reminder of how time passes

and I'm ticking
and I am constantly moving forward

so I've been picking myself up at bars
so I've been trying to cope by going to bars

with a bottle in each hand
drinking alcohol excessively

but I never give myself any play
but I never give myself any breaks

I only make plans with myself for the day after next
I only make plans for the near future

but by the time the sun swings back around into position
but by the time the day arrives

I forget the context of why I asked myself out
I forget the reason why I made plans

in the first place
in the first place

did I think I was going to score?
did I think I was going to succeed?

I let a stranger pour me one more
I let a stranger serve me another drink

she says
she introduces herself

my name is Sara
my name is Sara

doesn't take much more than that
it doesn't take much more than a name

to start a relationship
to initiate a connection

My darling, Sara
My beloved, Sara

cleans rooms for a living
works as a cleaner for a living

giving her youth and beauty
sacrificing her youth and beauty

to dirt and dust
to clean and maintain cleanliness

understands more than most
understands more than many others

that family must be the foot you put forward first
that prioritizing family is essential

you must weather the worst together
you must face difficulties together

but having never met her family
but since she hasn't met her own family

she places love above all else
she prioritizes love above everything

then protests that I use the word love
then complains that I use the word love

too freely in poems
too often in my poems

and I should really just say what I mean
and I should be more direct in my expression

and I suppose what I mean most is that
and I guess what I truly mean is that

I'm trying
I'm making an effort

she's been buying me time
she's been supporting me financially

on a maxed out credit card
using a credit card with no available credit

arms scarred from selling her own blood
arms with scars from selling her own blood

to pay down the debt
to reduce the debt amount

tells me she doesn't mind going broke
tells me she doesn't mind becoming financially unstable

just so long as I can give her a little sweat
as long as I can contribute

she says
she says

try
give it your best effort

so I do my best impression
so I try my best

of a pen
to write and express myself

and when every problem looks like a page
and when every problem seems like a written challenge

I commit ink to paper
I write my thoughts and feelings

the worth of the words that come out
the value of my written words

determines my wage
determines my income

I've been making enough
I've been making a sufficient amount

to pay her the compliment
to show my appreciation

of not quitting.
by not giving up

of not sitting
by not being inactive

when standing is required
when action or effort is necessary

she only asks that I put the effort in
she only asks me to try hard

and in return she's willing
and in return she's also willing

to pin a paper heart to her chest
to be vulnerable and open with me

then do her best impression
then try her best

of a target
to be a target

She tells me that effort
She tells me that trying hard

is the siamese twin of success
is inseparable from success

so when everyone else looks like a wrong answer
so when everyone else seems like the wrong choice

she says she'll settle for being my best guess
she's willing to be my uncertain choice

so we lie in bed like a mess
so we lie in bed in a chaotic state

that someone's been meaning to clean
that needs to be cleaned

for the large part of a long while
for a significant amount of time

we lie there like a pile of dirty laundry
we lie there like neglected and unfinished tasks

and how we'll ever come clean
and how we'll ever become better

is beyond me
I don't know

so we don't
so we avoid it

she says
she says

it's supposed to be dirty
it's supposed to be messy and imperfect

and if by the end you haven't hurt me
and if by the end you haven't caused me pain

then you didn't try
then you didn't put in enough effort

so I do my best impression
so I try my best

of a surgeon
to be precise and skilled

cutting purple hearts out of my own
removing emotional pain from myself

use my veins like thread
use my own experiences as inspiration

then have hurt sewn to our skin like medals
then wear past pain as a sign of strength

because when the bleeding stops
because when the pain subsides

and that dust settles
and everything calms down

all we have are our wounds
all we have are our scars

to wear like decorations upon our chest
to proudly display our experiences

Sara does her best impression of a war
Sara tries to be strong

tells me not to count my pride among casualties
advises me to protect my self-esteem

because maybe faith means never keeping score
because maybe faith means not keeping track

she says there's more to effort than just switching gears
she says effort is more than just changing strategies

and in terms of what one should give in life
and when considering what to give in life

sweat holds more value than tears
effort and hard work are more valuable than crying

you have to try
you must make an effort

and even though
and even though

the failing use of my right hand
my physical limitations and shortcomings

means I'll never land a knockout punch
means I'll never achieve great success

in the first round
easily and quickly

life is composed of sound and fury
life is full of noise and chaos

whatever noise is left in me
whatever energy remains in me

will be twice as loud when I try
will be more powerful when I make an effort

so I plug myself into the idea of going the distance
so I commit myself to long-term efforts

and I amplify
and I make it stronger

My darling, Sara
My beloved, Sara

has a throat like a vase
has a melodious voice

she sings her words into bloom
she speaks with beauty and grace

has voice like perfume
has a voice as captivating as fragrance

it's been sticking to my clothes
it leaves a lasting impact on me

so everyone knows where I've been sleeping
so everyone can see the influence she has on me

she's been keeping me so close
she's been keeping me emotionally connected

you could use my body for evidence
it shows how intimately we are involved

pull her fingerprints as proof
take her fingerprints as evidence

that she's been on top so often
that she has had the upper hand in our relationship

she's starting to look like my roof
she's becoming an inseparable part of my life

but a real sexy roof
but a very attractive and appealing partner

and she doesn't leak
and she doesn't have any flaws

unless you count the crying
unless you consider moments of vulnerability

she does that sometimes
she expresses her emotions through tears

worries that she's just a back-up plan
worries that she's only a secondary option

My darling, Sara.
My beloved, Sara

I've lived long enough to learn
I've gained enough life experience to understand

too many choices can destroy a man
having too many choices can be overwhelming

I will make no exodus
I will not leave or abandon

I'll be around long enough
I'll be present for a significant amount of time

to watch uncertainty bid us farewell
to witness uncertainty leaving us

the echo our names into the crater
the sound of our names reverberating in the void

caused by the impact
caused by the effect

of when our lack of conviction fell
when our doubts and uncertainties disappeared

you've never had to sell me on the idea
you've never had to convince me of the notion

of absolute certainty in the trustworthiness of another
of complete trust and reliability in someone

the first and only time you met my mother
when you met my mother for the first time

mom said
my mother said

"I like the way she looks at you"
"I like the way she looks at you"

and I echoed back to her
and I responded to her

that I liked it too.
that I also liked it.

eyes like recycle bin blue
eyes with a blue color similar to a recycle bin

Sara looks at broken things
Sara sees potential in damaged things

as if she can make them new
as if she can bring them back to life

more than a few times I've caught her staring
often, I've noticed her observing intently

caught her wearing
caught her displaying

a smile reserved for those busy making plans.
a smile reserved for those focused on their future

Sara believes that distance is a fundamental
Sara believes that physical distance is fundamental

that can be side-stepped by a piece of string
that can be overcome by a simple connection

and two tin cans
and two empty cans

and I remember when my tin can rang.
and I remember when I received a call on my end of the connection

they said
they said

there's no family to speak of
there's no significant family

so love is next in line
so love becomes the most important thing

and there's not a lot of time
and there's not much time

but she's asking for her boyfriend
but she's requesting her boyfriend's presence

in the cab to the hospital I feel my heart bend
as I ride in the taxi to the hospital, I feel my emotions change

as if bracing for impact
as if preparing for a difficult situation

so I do my best impression of a man
so I try to act strong

and face fact.
and accept the reality

it's supposed to hurt.
it's supposed to be painful

a doctor does his best impression of the truth
a doctor tries to give an honest assessment

and spares me his attempts to skirt around the issue.
and doesn't avoid the problem

they can't stop the bleeding
they can't stop the internal bleeding

and the failing use of Sara's heart
and Sara's heart not functioning properly

isn't actually the failing use of Sara's heart.
isn't truly the cause of failure

it's just another way to tell the time.
it's just another reminder of passing time

My darling, Sara
My beloved, Sara

I was holding your hand when you died
I was with you when you passed away

and even though the failing use of my right hand
despite my own physical limitations

prevented me from feeling you leave.
prevented me from sensing your departure

I tried.
I tried my best