Ti Kwan Leep
The Frantics Lyrics

Teacher: Approach, students. Close the circle at the feet of the master. You have come to me asking that I be your guide along the path of Ti Kwan Leep. But, be warned: To learn its ways, you must learn the ways of your own soul. Let us meditate upon this wisdom now. So: Aaaaaaooooommm......
The master addresses students who came to learn Ti Kwan Leep art. He warns them to learn the ways of their own soul. Students meditate upon the wisdom.

Teacher: Who disturbs our meditation, as a pebble disturbs the stillness of the pond?
The master asks who disturbs their meditation and likens them to a pebble disturbing the stillness of a pond.

Ed Gruberman: Me! Ed Gruberman?
Ed Gruberman answers the master's question, introducing himself.

Teacher: E-Ed Gruberman?
The master repeats Ed Gruberman's name in disbelief.

Ed Gruberman: Yeah, uh, no disrespect or nothin', but, like, uh, how long is this gonna take?
Ed Gruberman asks how long the art will take to learn, showing impatience.

Teacher: Ti Kwan Leep is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever towards the horizon.
The master states that the art is not a path to an end goal, but a journey to be continued forever.

Ed Gruberman: So like, what, an hour or so?
Ed Gruberman asks if the art will take only an hour or so to learn, indicating his impatience.

Teacher: No, no, we have not even begun upon the path. Ed Gruberman, you must learn patience.
The master tells Ed Gruberman that they have not begun and that he must learn patience.

Ed Gruberman: Yeah yeah yeah, patience. How long will that take?
Ed Gruberman shows impatience by asking how long it will take to learn patience.

Teacher: Time has no meaning. To a true student, a year is as a day.
The master replies that time has no meaning, and to a true student, a year is as a day.

Ed Gruberman: A YEAR??? I wanna beat people up right now! I got the pajamas! Hah woo yah ooomm!
Ed Gruberman complains that a year is too long to wait and indicates his readiness to start fighting.

Teacher: "Beat people up"...?
The master questions Ed Gruberman's desire to beat people up, sensing his aggression.

Ed Gruberman: Yeah! Just show me all those nifty moves so I can start trashing bozos! That's all I came here for! YO ASTA STA STA!!! Pretty good, eh?
Ed Gruberman wants to learn fighting moves and wants to start fighting. He shows aggression and asks the master if his moves are good.

Teacher: The only use of Ti Kwan Leep is self-defense. Do you know who said that? Ki Lo Ni, the great teacher.
The master tells Ed Gruberman that the only use of Ti Kwan Leep is self-defense and attributes it to Ki Lo Ni.

Ed Gruberman: Yeah? Well the best defense is a good offense, you know who said that? Mel, the cook on "Alice".
Ed Gruberman contradicts the master's statement, saying that the best defense is a good offense, and attributes it to Mel, the cook on "Alice".

Teacher: No, um...Ti Kwan Leep is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of hostility. Meditate upon this truth with us. Aaaaoooommm...
The master quotes a saying that Ti Kwan Leep is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of hostility. He invites students to meditate upon this truth.

Ed Gruberman: Listen, shrimp! All this fag talk is really starting to piss me off. Now, are you gonna show me some fancy moves, or am I gonna start wapin' the walls with you?
Ed Gruberman insults the master and demands to see fighting moves or threatens violence.

Teacher: Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Ti Kwan Leep. Approach me that you might see.
The master tells Ed Gruberman that he does not understand Ti Kwan Leep and to approach him to see.

Ed Gruberman: All right! Finally some action!
Ed Gruberman is delighted to finally see some action.

Teacher: Observe closely, class. Boot to the Head! (SH-ZOOMP!)
The master tells the class to observe and demonstrates Ti Kwan Leep by booting Ed Gruberman in the head.

Ed Gruberman (drunkenly): Owww! You booted me in the head!
Ed Gruberman is in pain and complains that he got booted in the head

Teacher: You are lucky, Ed Gruberman. Few novices experience so much of Ti Kwan Leep so soon.
The master tells Ed Gruberman that he is lucky to experience so much of Ti Kwan Leep so soon.

Ed Gruberman (quietly, to himself): Ow, oh, my head!
Ed Gruberman complains to himself about his hurting head.

Teacher: Now we continue. Aaaaaoooommmm...
The master resumes the lesson, inviting students to meditate again.

Ed Gruberman: Hey! Hey, I wasn't ready! Come and get me now shorty, huh? Come on, are ya chicken?
Ed Gruberman taunts the master to come and get him, insulting his height and daring his bravery.

Teacher: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)
The master, in response, boots Ed Gruberman in the head

Ed Gruberman (again, drunkenly): Oww! Okay, now I'm ready, okay, now, come on, try it now.
Ed Gruberman complains about being hurt again but invites the master for another try.

Teacher: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)
The master gives another blow to Ed Gruberman.

Ed Gruberman: Mind if I just lie down here for a minute?
Ed Gruberman requests to lie down for a minute due to the pain.

Teacher: Now class, we shall return to our...
The master resumes the class, intending to continue the lesson.

Student 2: Master?
A student addresses the master.

Teacher: It is wrong to tip the vessel of knowledge, student.
The master scolds the student for interrupting the class.

Student 2: Many apologies, master. But I feel Ed Gruberman is not wholly wrong.
The student apologizes and defends Ed Gruberman's behavior.

Teacher: What do you mean?
The master asks for clarification.

Student 2: I want to boot some head, too.
The student confesses that he wants to learn Ti Kwan Leep and experience combat.

Teacher: Have you learned nothing from the lesson of Ed Gruberman?
The master reminds the student of Ed Gruberman's lesson on patience.

Student 2: Yes, master. I have learned two things. First, that anger is a weapon only to one's opponent.
The student recalls Ed Gruberman's lesson that anger is a weapon only to one's opponent.

Teacher: Very good.
The master approves of the student's response.

Student 2: And secondly, get in the first shot. Boot to the head. (SH-ZOOMP!)
The student's second lesson was to get in the first shot, which he demonstrates by booting the master in the head.

Teacher: You missed.
The master informs the student that he missed.

Student 2: Uh, yeah. Well...
The student feels embarrassed for missing the shot.

Teacher: You too shall be honored to learn a lesson...
The master intends to teach the student a lesson.

Student 2: You don't have to, you know. I-I gotta be going...
The student tries to excuse himself.

Teacher: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)
The master boots the student in the head

Student 2 (agonizing pain): Oyyy oy oyyyy.... Oh....
The student is in pain and groans.

Teacher: Can anyone tell us what lesson has been learned here?
The master asks the class to summarize the lesson learned.

Student 3: Uh, yes, master. Not a single one of us could defeat you.
A student understands that none of them could defeat the master.

Teacher: You gain wisdom, child.
The master acknowledges the student's wisdom.

Student 3: So we'll hafta gang up on ya! Get 'im guys!
The student plans to gang up on the master with others.

(Teacher throws many 'Boot to the head!s' and 'SH-ZOOMP!s'. There are many people groaning in pain.)
The master fights off the students with many 'Boot to the head!' and 'SH-ZOOMP!' and causes many to groan in pain.

Teacher: And now class, let us rejoin the mind to the body and gaze into the heart of the candle in meditation.
The master ends the lesson by inviting the class to meditate.

Unison: Aaaaaoooommm....
The students meditate in unison.

Teacher: Very good, class.
The master concludes the lesson by praising the class.