Never Had
Big Hoodoo Lyrics

Day one,
It began on the day I was born.

It started when they told my mom to push me,
My life began when my mother went into labor and I was born.

I had to struggle since I first came up out the pussy,
I had a hard time from the moment I was born.

They say the drugs and the alcohol made her womb polluted,
My mother's drug and alcohol use may have negatively affected my development in the womb.

And all my thoughts and my actions will be convoluted,
As a result of my mother's substance abuse during pregnancy, my thoughts and actions may be confusing and difficult to understand.

Nude, full of tubes, barely clinging on to life,
I was born premature and had to be kept alive with medical equipment.

In the incubator, shakin', like I'm on the pipe.
While I was in the incubator, I trembled violently, as if I were experiencing withdrawal from drugs.

Doctors tell my mom be hopeful,
The doctors told my mom to have hope for my survival.

But all she said is "Fuck 'em, I don't want him.
My mother rejected any optimism or hope that doctors expressed about my well-being.

He's better off dead."
She expressed a belief that I would be better off dead.

Two months later, in this box which I call a crib,
Two months after my birth, I was still very small and had to stay in a small box-like crib.

Dried snot all on my face, And spit-up on my bib,
I had dried mucus on my face and spit-up on my clothing.

I just lay around and wait for them to come and get me,
I was helpless and dependent on others for my care and survival.

Cuz everytime that I cry someone comes to hit me,
Whenever I cried or showed any distress, someone would come and harm me.

Shit smeared all on my legs and all over the sheets,
I had feces all over my legs and bedding because my diaper hadn't been changed in a long time.

Cuz my diaper ain't been changed in about a week,
My diaper hadn't been changed for an entire week.

The one they didn't give a fuck about, I guess I'm it,
I was the one who was neglected and abused.

I'm not ashamed to admit,
I am not embarrassed to say that...

I NEVER HAD SHIT.
I never had anything good or positive in my life.

I never had CLOTHES!
I never had enough clothing to wear.

I never had FOOD!
I never had enough food to eat.

I never had SHOES!
I never had shoes to wear.

I never had FRIENDS!
I never had any friends to talk to or spend time with.

I never had TOYS!
I never had any toys to play with or enjoy.

I never had LOVE!
I never experienced any love or affection from others.

I never had PETS!
I never had any pets to care for or love.

I never had BIKES!
I never had a bicycle or any other fun or exciting possessions.

I never got HUGS!
I never received any comforting or loving embraces.

I never had MILK!
I never had milk to drink or any other source of nutrition.

I never had CARE!
I never received any care or attention from those who were responsible for my well-being.

I never got AFFECTION!
I never received any loving or positive attention from others.

I was molested as a child, I never told my momma,
As a child, I was sexually abused, but I never told my mother about it.

I thought it was my fault and didn't want the drama,
I blamed myself for the abuse and didn't want to create any conflict or drama by speaking up about it.

She would tell me "Boy, I really fuckin' hate you,
My mother would express extreme dislike and hatred towards me.

A curse on this world since the day I made you."
My mother believed that I was a curse on the world from the day I was born.

They used to hang me up in the basement by my toes,
As a form of punishment or torture, I was hung upside down by my toes in the basement.

Ass naked, and spray me with the water hose,
While I was hanging upside down, I was sprayed with water from a hose without any clothes on.

She used to beat me, with anything that was close,
My mother used to physically abuse me with any object or item that was nearby.

But, burning me with her pipe was what she loved the most,
My mother's preferred way of hurting me was by burning me with a pipe.

Never took the time out to tell me that she loved me,
My mother never expressed any love or positive emotions towards me.

But she went out of her way to make me feel ugly,
My mother would make me feel unattractive or undesirable on purpose.

No better time to kick a person than when he's down,
My mother would take advantage of me when I was vulnerable and insecure.

She slapped me so hard, for months I couldn't hear a sound,
My mother hit me so hard that it caused damage to my hearing for several months.

Only child, so I know she never did want me,
I was an only child, so I believed that my mother didn't want or love me.

And the torture that she put me through still haunts me,
The physical and emotional abuse that I endured from my mother continues to affect me deeply.

She put the coldness in my heart,
My mother's abuse led to me becoming emotionally detached and unresponsive.

That's hard to lift,
It is difficult for me to overcome or heal from the emotional damage inflicted upon me.

That's why I'm not okay.
The traumas that I experienced have left me with lasting emotional scars, and I am not okay.

I didn't care much at all ‘cuz I'm on something other,
In order to cope with the pain and emotional numbness, I turned to substance abuse.

Already callous to the ridicule from my mother,
I had become numb to the insults and verbal abuse from my mother.

I got jumped on the regular by school bullies,
In addition to the abuse from my mother, I was also frequently bullied at school.

Cuz I dress in all black and always wear hoodies,
The way that I dressed made me a target for bullies.

All my life she's been telling me that I'm the worst,
My mother consistently put me down and made me feel like I was worthless.

She damned me and my soul to hell, head first,
My mother believed that I was irredeemably evil and that I would go to hell after I died.

The memories imbedded like a bad acid trip,
The memories of the abuse and trauma that I endured are deeply ingrained in my mind and are difficult to forget.

I can't forget about the fact,
I am unable to forget or ignore the reality that...

I never had shit...
I never had anything good or positive in my life.