If I Get Locked Up
Funkmaster Flex Lyrics

Check, check, one, two, one, two
Making sure the sound system is working properly

One, two (yo, it's rolling?)
Confirming if the music is playing

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Dr. Dre up in here
Acknowledging Dr. Dre's presence

Y'all know what this is
Everyone is aware of what's happening

It's what you been waiting for
This is the anticipated moment

Funkmaster Flex, Big Kap
Introducing the artists

Def Jam Records giving it to you, baby
This song is brought to you by Def Jam Records

Yo Eminem, show these motherfuckers what time it is, baby
Eminem is asked to impress with his skills

I used to be a lonely man, only mad
In the past, I was lonely and angry

Until I got a million dollars
But now I have wealth

Shit, now if I only had some fucking hair
If only I had hair

I'd pull it, faster than a bullet out of Tupac's chest
I'd be incredibly frustrated

Before the ambulance came too late to do it
Before help arrived too late

I'm trying to grow it back again, it was an accident
I'm attempting to regrow my hair after an incident

I had my back against a fan and chopped it off in Amsterdam
My hair was cut off accidentally by a fan in Amsterdam

I hate the straight jacket, it ain't latching
I despise feeling restricted and confined

They can't lock it so they stapled my hands to my pants pockets
They secured my hands to my pockets with staples

The cell's padded and battered like someone else had it before me
The cell is worn and damaged like it was used by someone else previously

And just kept throwing they fucking self at it
And they continuously threw themselves against it

My head is aching, I'm dedicated to medication
I have a headache, and I rely on medication

But this med is taking too long to bring me to seditation (come on)
But the medication is taking too long to calm me down

Anyway I got down with Dre (what up?)
Anyway, I collaborated with Dr. Dre

The first man who taught me how the Glock sounded to spray
He was the first to teach me about gunfire from a Glock

Running up and down the street screaming, 'Fuck the Police'
I used to protest loudly against law enforcement on the streets

When you still had your mother's fucking nipple stuck in your teeth (you fucking baby)
While you were still breastfeeding and immature

Became a role model after Colorado
I became a role model after a specific event in Colorado

Now all they do is follow me around and holler, 'Bravo'
Now people just follow me and praise me

Hell yeah I punch my bitch and beat my kids in public
I acknowledge that I engage in domestic violence

Suck my dick, bitch
I express vulgar disrespect towards someone

I'm sick enough to fuck a man in his face, but I won't
I have perverse thoughts but choose not to act on them

'Cause you'll probably wanna stand in his place
Because you might be attracted to him

So put a sock in it with your fake-ass Tupac image
Stop pretending to be like Tupac

You faggots ain't tough, you just get drunk and become talkative (wanna fight?)
You're not tough, just intoxicated and argumentative

I'm probably the akwardest alcoholic talking
I may be the most socially awkward drunk person

Walking like a midget with a ladder in his back pocket
Staggering and unstable like a short person with a ladder

So when you see me on your block stumbling
If you see me on your street, unsteady on my feet

Mumbling a bunch of dumb shit, like my drunk uncle does
Muttering nonsensical things, similar to how my drunk uncle behaves

I ain't buzzed, I'm just high on life
I'm not intoxicated, I'm simply enjoying life

So why on earth would I need drugs when fly on kites?
I don't need drugs when I can experience euphoria

Motherfucker, Slim Shady
Addressing oneself as Slim Shady

(Dr. Dre) I'm drunk, pass the TEC
Dr. Dre admits to being intoxicated and asks for a gun

'Cause if I get locked up tonight
In the event of my arrest tonight

Then I might not come home tonight (keep it moving)
There's a chance I won't return home tonight, so keep moving

Off and on, Eminem it's on (ay)
Eminem is here intermittently, it's his turn to perform

Off and on, Dr. Dre it's on
Dr. Dre is here intermittently, it's his turn to perform

The whole entire world can sit and twirl like a whirling tire
Everyone can spin around aimlessly like a tire

I set a fucking girl on fire with a curling iron (ahh)
I caused a girl's hair to catch fire with a hot curling iron

Psych, I'm just joking, for Christ sakes
It was a joke, for goodness' sake

Don't get so bent out of shape
Don't get so upset

'Cause I went out and raped six girlfriends
I didn't actually rape anyone, it's a provocative statement

Some people just don't get it
Some individuals fail to understand

But I won't let it upset me, 'cause they don't know better
I won't allow it to bother me, they're ignorant

They don't know what the fuck it's like to be so fed up
They can't comprehend how frustrated I am

And fed so many uppers, you're down and won't get up
Having consumed stimulant drugs, feeling down and unable to recover

My mind's got a mind of its own
My thoughts are unpredictable

Sometimes I can't find it at home
Occasionally, my mind feels lost

It hides in the stove (hello, where you at?)
It metaphorically hides in a place of warmth (seeking reassurance)

Shit, talk about your brain being baked
Talk about being mentally exhausted

My shit's still in the oven on four hundred and eighty degrees
Metaphorically, my thoughts are still cooking at a high temperature

Hailey Jade, Daddy loves you, baby
A message to Hailey Jade, expressing love as her father

Don't ever tell me how to raise my daughter, fuck you, lady
I refuse to accept criticism regarding the upbringing of my daughter

You critics wanna criticize but couldn't visualize
Critics want to judge and condemn without truly understanding

Individuals lives through a criminal's eyes (fuck y'all)
They don't understand the perspective of a criminal

The neighborhood that I grew up in, you could die for nothing
The neighborhood I came from was dangerous, life was cheap

And Dirty Dozen watches over me, so try some dumb shit
My crew, Dirty Dozen, protects me and discourages foolish behavior

I'll have a fucking man raped with a band-aid over his mouth
I would use extreme violence against someone, silencing them

And shove his head in the fan blade
And forcefully push his head into a fan's spinning blades

Don't ever tell me what I can or what I can't say
Don't dare impose restrictions on my speech

Or change 'cause of the age range of my fanbase
Or modify myself due to the age diversity of my fans

Like I give a fuck who's buying this shit
I don't care who is purchasing my music

Quit fucking buying it, I'm tired bitch
Stop buying my music, I'm exhausted

I'm dying to quit
I'm eager to retire

Hip Hop is universal now, it's so commercial now
Hip Hop is now global and highly commercialized

It's like a circle full of circus clowns up in the circuit now
It's filled with ridiculous and absurd individuals

But now the white kids like it, so they tell me I can buy it
Now that white kids enjoy it, they say I have permission to participate

But as soon as I get on the mic, it's like the night get silent
But once I start rapping, the audience becomes quiet

Either that or booed, that's why I keep an attitude
Either they're silent or they boo me, which is why I remain defensive

And go to sleep with it and wake up with it every afternoon
I carry my defensive attitude into the next day

I'm sick of being judged, fuck it, let me see a judge
I'm tired of being criticized, I dare someone to judge me

I'll confess to every murder I committed since three years old
I will confess to every murder I've supposedly committed since childhood

Ay yo, fuck that
Disregard that statement

Turn that shit off
Stop the music

Let's get the fuck up out of here
Let's leave immediately

You know how we do
You are aware of our typical behavior