Badtimes
Laika Lyrics

If you receive an e-mail with a subject of "badtimes", delete it immediately
Do not open or read any email with the subject of "badtimes."

This is the most dangerous e-mail virus yet.
The "badtimes" email virus is extremely dangerous.

It will re-write your hard drive.
The virus will overwrite the information saved on your hard drive.

Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.
The virus can also corrupt any other hard drives or disks that are located near your computer.

It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts.
The virus can affect your refrigerator's coolness settings, including causing your ice cream to melt.

It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to render any CDs you try to play unreadable.
The virus can also affect your electronics, including demagnetizing credit card strips, disrupting VCR tracking, and making CDs unplayable.

It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.
The virus can give your ex-partner your new phone number.

It will mix antifreeze into your fishtank.
The virus can contaminate your fish tank with antifreeze.

It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
The virus can consume your beer and be inconsiderate of your guest's comfort.

It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
The virus can harmlessly juxtapose a dead kitten into your suit pocket and possibly hide your car keys when you are in a hurry, disrupting your day.

Badtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin.
The virus can manipulate your emotions, making you experience improper affection for a penguin.

It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.
The virus can cause frightening dreams about circus performers with dwarfism.

It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your visa card.
The virus can commit acts of sabotage, including putting sugar in your gas tank, shaving your eyebrows, and cheating on your partner and charging it to your credit card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
The virus can even manipulate the memories and emotions of your deceased grandmother, and affect that which is most important to you on an emotional level.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.
The virus can manipulate your car's location, making it difficult to locate.

It will kick your dog.
The virus can harm animals, including kicking your dog.

It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!
The virus can falsify sexual messages and place them in your voice on your employer's answering machine.

It is insidious and subtle. it is dangerous and terrifying to behold. it is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
The virus is dangerous and unsettling to experience, despite being a peculiar shade of mauve.

Badtimes will give you dutch elm disease.
The virus can cause the disease known as Dutch elm disease.

It will leave the toilet seat up.
The virus can cause inconsiderate behavior, such as leaving the toilet seat up.

It will make a batch of methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase high school kids with your new snowblower.
The virus is capable of producing an illicit drug and unsupervised cooking in your home, but also demonstrate acts of vandalism and theft.

These are just a few of the signs. Be very, very careful!
These are just some of the potential effects of the virus, be extremely vigilant and cautious.