Keeping Tabs
Niki Lyrics

You left without saying goodbye (fuck, fuck, fuck)
You left without giving me any closure, it hurts so much

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry
Trying not to show vulnerability, even though it's hard

I ball a fist and die inside
Feeling so much pain that it feels like dying inside, wishing to just scream or punch something

I wish I didn't, but regrettably, I entirely understand why you did it
A part of me wants to hate you for what you did, but I know I can't because I know why you did it

Take one step forward and two jumps back
Feeling like I'm not making any progress and that every step I take only leads to setbacks

One hand on the gate of this cul-de-sac
Feeling stuck in a situation with no clear way out, like being trapped in a dead end

Some cursed part of me wants to be cornered
Feeling like some part of me wants to embrace the pain and heartbreak, as if it's the only thing I deserve

Right into it even if we crack
Being willing to dive headfirst into a doomed situation, even if it means falling apart

You left early and you arrived too late
You left me when I needed you the most, and now you're back when it's too late

Just right in time to be a huge mistake
Your return reminds me that our relationship was a mistake all along

So I wish you well and I wish you far away
I want you to be happy, but I need you to stay out of my life

This was never real, I'll say it 'til I believe it
I need to convince myself that our relationship was never real, so that I can finally move on

I wish I never Met you, you are the Worst thing that I'm still Keeping tabs on for some stupid reason
I regret ever meeting you and yet, I still obsess over you even though it's pointless

You were just being Nice, now I fully believe you're out There somewhere also Keeping tabs on how I might be feeling
At first, I thought you were just being friendly, but now I suspect you're also secretly keeping track of me

For some stupid reason I keep on believing You care and you're reeling too I don't even know you
Despite knowing that our relationship is over, I can't help but believe that you still care about me, even though I barely know you at all

Drowning in my own Sad, imagined fantasy of who you could be The reality is you Unironically love personality tests
I'm consumed by a sad, unrealistic version of who I wish you could be, but the reality is that you have flaws and quirks that I can't ignore, like your love of personality tests

All of the data's weak, half-amusing at best But it could never work 'cause I'm an Enneatype 4 Aquarius
Even though we might have some compatibility, our personalities are ultimately not well-suited for each other

You say the wrong thing every time you talk The red flags wave, the alarms sound off I'm so glad our paths didn't cross I'm so glad, I'll say it 'til I believe it
Your words and actions don't align and that makes me worry, so I'm actually relieved that we're not together anymore, even if it takes me a while to truly accept it

You're the same with everyone I'm not special, no You're not out there just Keeping tabs on how I might be feeling
Realizing that you don't just keep tabs on me, but on everyone else, too, and that I'm not as special to you as I thought

That's all just imagined I keep on believing You care and you miss me too I need to get over you
Acknowledging that my feelings might not be based on reality, but that I can't seem to help but believe them anyway. Knowing that I need to move on, but struggling to actually do so.