The Celebutard Chronicles
The Falcon Lyrics

She's got the biggest tits. He's got the longest dick.
This song is mocking how celebrities are often defined by physical attributes rather than their actual abilities or achievements.

And I get to read about it every week.
The media is obsessed with celebrities and constantly bombards us with pointless information about their lives.

You hear that sucking sound? It's culture going down.
Celebrity obsession is contributing to the decline of culture and intellectualism in society.

Seaward with the see-words; submerged in shit with dreams to drown.
The media's coverage of celebrities is shallow, uninformative, and often feels like drowning in a sea of meaningless information.

Baby, don't you want to throw it up now?
The constant exposure to celebrity culture can make you feel physically ill.

Just aim for the bowl and I'll hold back your gown.
This line is a crude way of saying that the singer is willing to help his partner vomit if necessary.

This is my favorite ad I got on pay-per-view.
The singer is sarcastically saying that he enjoys the vacuous and unimportant content that is being forced on him through media channels.

The vacant bitch in the convertible reminds me of you. Oh baby.
The singer is insulting his partner by insinuating that she is just another superficial, vapid celebrity.

I'll watch my fuckin' mouth the day it gets a date with Ashlee Simpson, or stars in ads from TRESemme.
The singer is saying that he will only censor himself when he gets paid to do it by a big corporation, or when he starts dating a celebrity.

Is it the taste of vomit or the cocaine?
The singer is asking whether his attraction to celebrity culture is due to the thrilling and overwhelming nature of it, or if it is just a sickening and dangerous addiction.

All the flashing lights or trashy magazines?
The singer wonders if he is attracted to celebrities because of the glamorous image they present, or if it's just because they are featured in insipid tabloid magazines.

One thousand sunken eyes? The way she shows her thighs?
The singer is saying that celebrities often flaunt their bodies in sexualized ways, and that the media encourages this behavior by capturing and disseminating these images.

The million fucking dollars, the jet-skis, or the guys?
The singer is listing some of the superficial things that people often associate with celebrity culture.

How 'bout those fucking aspirations? Aiming for the vacuous end.
The singer is criticizing the fact that so many people aspire to become famous, even if it means that they will be known for nothing valuable or meaningful.

I wanna need that respiration. I wanna get some press for it.
The singer is admitting that he too is attracted to the idea of being a celebrity, and is willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that status.

Press it on. Press it down. it's already up in my face now. Oh baby.
The singer is saying that despite his reluctance to engage with celebrity culture, it is already permeating his life and he feels like he has no choice but to participate in it.

I wanna see my name in lights. And throw up in my purse. And die. Hoo!
The singer is expressing his desire to become famous, even if that means resorting to tactics like vomiting on himself, and ultimately falling victim to the trappings of celebrity culture.