Got No Beard
The Longest Johns Lyrics

I once met a man who said he was a fan
I encountered a person who claimed to be a supporter of our shanty music

He wanted to sing in my shanty band
He expressed a desire to join our group and sing shanties with us

But the bottom of his face looked weird (so weird!) There was skin on his chin that I loathed and feared
His facial hair was lacking and his chin seemed strange and unappealing

From his crown to ear he was most sincere But you can't sing shanties if you got no beard
Despite his otherwise genuine demeanor, one must possess a beard to participate in our shanty band

I once met a girl who heard sea songs She came to the show, and she sang along
A young woman who enjoyed listening to songs of the sea attended one of our performances and sang with us

But the timing of the shout was slow (so slow!) She was graced with a face like the morning glow
She struggled to keep pace with the shouting parts of the music despite being lovely in appearance

But a hollar was a blow from the very front row said You can't sing shanties if you can't shout "Ho!"
An audience member pointed out that being unable to shout a key part of the shanty songs disqualifies one from singing with us

I once met a man on a weird machine Had wheels and a bell, no mast to be seen
A strange man on a motorbike without sails caught my attention

He was shouting from a pad of notes (no notes!) And the wheels got caught on his overcoat And he fell from the pier clawing at his throat So you can't sing shanties if you don't own a boat
He unsuccessfully attempted to sing shanties from a notepad while riding his motorbike and ultimately crashed into the water, proving that one must own a boat to truly join our shanty band

I once met a bloke on a tavern floor He'd had ten beers, but I had ten more
A man in a pub who had consumed ten beers was encountered by me, and I proceeded to drink ten more

And his piggy little face was pink (so pink!) He tried to shout the words, but t'were all out of sync
Despite his red face, the man was unable to keep up with the words of the shanties and his shouting was off-beat

With a voice so bad it'll make you think that You can't sing shanties if you can't hold your drink
The poor quality of his singing voice and the inability to handle alcohol led to the conclusion that one must be able to drink without issue to perform with us

I once met a sailor all big and broad With an eye-patch, parrot and a long curved sword Had a chest like a powder keg (big chest)
A sailor of impressive size, sporting an eye-patch and accompanied by a parrot and sword, had a very muscular chest

But he had both shoes, and he smelled like eggs I expect he would look better with a wooden peg 'Cause you can't sing shanties if you got two legs
Despite his impressive appearance, the fact that he wore both shoes and smelled unpleasant detracted from it. Even so, the ultimate disqualifier was having two legs, as we are a band exclusively for peg-legged sailors

And Dave, he has a bike Robbie's father-in-law has boats, but won't sing on the mic And JD can't shout "Ho!" because his wife takes much offense And Andy's got two beautiful hairy legs But there's no reason good enough not to join us
Individuals with various limitations on their ability to participate in our shanty band are named, but ultimately there is no good reason for anyone to not join us in singing

So sing along with the very last chorus
All are invited to join in singing with us for the final chorus

Got no beard, you've got no beard You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard
The lack of a beard disqualifies one from singing shanties with us

And you've got two legs And you can't hold your drink And you don't own a boat And you can't shout "Ho!" And you've got no beard
Listing the various criteria that must be met to sing shanties with us, including lack of a beard, owning a boat, ability to hold one's drink, possession of a peg leg, and ability to shout "Ho!"