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by Tom Lehrer

Spoken live introduction:
I should like to introduce now the featured artist of this evening's... ordeal.
I'm sure that you will all agree without any hesitation that Tom Lehrer is the
most brilliant creative genius that America has produced in almost 200 years,
so perhaps a few words of biographical background might not be amiss.
Endowed by nature with perhaps the most glorious baritone voice to be heard
on an American stage since the memorable concert debut in 1835 of Millard
Fillmore; endowed also with twelve incredibly agile fingers; Mr. Lehrer has
had a long and varied career in the field of entertainment starting with
nine years at Harvard University..., where it was that he first decided to
devote his life to what has since become a rather successful scientific
project – namely, the attempt to prolong adolescence beyond all previous
Even before he came to Harvard, however, he was well known in academic
circles for his masterly translation into Latin of "The Wizard of Oz",
which remains even today the standard Latin version of that work. A few
years ago he was inducted..., forcibly..., into the United States Army and
spent most of his indenture in Washington as sort of Army liaison to the
Office of Navel Contemplation. About his service record he is justifiably
modest, but it is known that in a short time he rose to the rank of brigadier
general. However, before he could acquire a tenure, he was discharged, and
owing to nepotism and intrigue, he emerged with only the rank of specialist
3rd class, which was roughly equivalent to the rank of corporal without
But to return to his career in show business: For several years he toured
vaudeville theaters with an act consisting of impressions of people in the
last throes of various diseases. I'm sure that many of you here tonight still
recall with pleasure his memorable diphtheria imitation. He is generally
acknowledged to be the dean of living American composers, and is currently
working on a musical comedy based on the life of Adolf Hitler.
Without further ado – Tom Lehrer:
– – – –
You'd be amazed at the money we save that way . . .

Contributed by Caleb E. Suggest a correction in the comments below.
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