Handy
"Weird Al" Yankovic Lyrics

First things first, I'm a craftsman (craftsman)
I am a skilled worker in the field of repairing or remodelling things.

Remodelling is my only passion (it's my passion)
My utmost interest and desire lies solely in improving or changing homes or other areas.

And I'm the greatest in the business
I have no match in my area of expertise.

Want referrals, yo
Do you need to be redirected to people who can vouch for my services?

My clientèle will bear you witness (right, right)
My past customers can attest to the quality of work I offer.

I can help when your door jamb sticks (heh?)
I can assist in making a sticky door frame smooth and easy to open and close.

There is nothing in the world I can't fix (yeah)
I can tackle anything, without limitations, when it comes to the repairing or remodelling of homes or other areas.

I do tiles, I do stone, I do bricks
I work with different types of materials, ranging from tiles to bricks.

Call me, I'll come rushing over with my bag of tricks (bag of tricks)
Request for my service, and I will make haste and come with everything I need to get the job done.

Where you go when your disposal is rusted (rusted)
When your kitchen waste-disposal unit starts corroding with rust, where do you turn to for help?

Termite problem making you disgusted (yuck)
Are termites causing damage and making you feel disgusted about your home's state of affairs?

When your front window is busted (hey hey hey)
When your front window is broken, who do you call to replace it?

Just one man that's always trusted
There's just one person you can count on and trust in such home problems, and that's me.

I'm so handy, you already know
It's apparent to you that I am skilled and capable.

I'll fix your plumbing when your toilets overflows
Contact me if you experience issues such as your toilet overflowing or your plumbing system running awry.

I'm so handy, I'll bring you up to code
My service ensures the implementation of appropriate building codes and standards while repairing or modifying structures.

When your dishwasher's about to explode
If your dishwasher is malfunctioning or about to break down, I am the right person to contact.

Now you see that your furnace is needing some service
In case you observe that your furnace needs attention, don't hesitate to reach me for services.

I'm fully bonded, no need to be nervous
You do not have to get anxious about the safety of your assets when in my hands because I am entirely bonded.

Perhaps you would like a new counter Formica
Maybe you will like to replace your countertop material with Formica, and I can do that for you.

Maybe I'll hook up your dish washer combo dryer
It's possible that I will help with installing a dryer combined with a dishwasher in your kitchen.

But all your pipes are antique
The pipes in your property are outdated and have been in service for a long time.

Your water pressure's too weak
The water-flow in your property is insufficient, indicating inadequate pressure from the water utility or a problem with your pipeline system.

You got an attic full of dry rot
Your attic has become a breeding ground for fungi due to excessive moisture, causing the wood rot to occur.

Because your roof sprung a leak
You have noticed wet ceiling or dampness or any other signs that could indicate that the roof is leaking.

Your fridge is starting to reek
You have observed that your fridge is beginning to produce unpleasant odours due to an issue with the appliance or its use.

Your hardwood floors really squeak
The hardwood flooring in your house produces squeaky sounds, indicating looseness, which could also indicate other problems with the flooring.

But don't you worry I'll just show you my amazing technique
Don't get troubled about these issues. I have an effective and efficient approach to handle everything.

Now let me glue that, glue that and screw that, screw that
I am going to repair this by affixing it firmly with adhesive and screws.

Any random chore you got, well I can do that, do that
I can carry out any maintenance work or task you require me to handle.

Or maybe I'll just rewire your house for fun
It's possible that I may decide to rewire your house for the pleasure it gives me.

I got 99 problems but a switch ain't one
I have a lot of problems in my life, but fixing switches is not one of them.

I'm so handy, everyone said so
My ability to repair and remodel services is known to everyone.

I'll grout your bathroom, resurface your patio
I can help you add grouting to your washroom and resurface your patio if you so desire.

I'm so handy, I'm the guy to know
My mastery in the art of fixing and remodeling issues make me the right person to contact for any problem.

When your leaf blower doesn't blow-oh-oh-oh
When your device for blowing leaves malfunctions and fails to operate, you can reach me right away.

Patch the drywall, clean your gutters and mow the lawn
I am qualified to repair drywalls, clean gutters, and maintain and trim your lawn for a neat and attractive look.

Make that phone call, I'll install anything you want
Do not hesitate to call me, and I'll install anything for you, from small toilet accessories to large household equipment.

Yeah, check my big staple gun, my socket wrenches are second to none
I have significant tools such as a large staple gun and socket wrenches that do their job to perfection.

I won't quit 'til I'm done, don't even care if I hammer my thumb (OW!)
Working until a task is complete is my motto, and I am so dedicated to my work that I do not mind the pain of hitting my thumb with a hammer.

Still rocking my screwdriver
I am effectively using a screwdriver to tighten screws or disassemble items.

Got the whole world thinking I'm MacGuyver
My extraordinary skills and methods of repair have given the impression that I am more than an average repairman, comparable to the legendary pop culture icon MacGuyver.

Your heating bills are shocking
Your bills for your heating system are high and considerably more than expected.

I can solve that with some duct tape and some caulking
I can address the issue by covering gaps or sealing drafts with duct tape and caulking.

Your house is a disaster, huh?
Your house is in disarray or disorganized, requiring remedial action to be taken to get it back in shape.

Need a guy whose a master with the plaster, huh?
Do you require the services of a skilled person to plaster your walls?

Let me be your stripper
Allow me to strip or remove any covering or finishing that is no longer needed, such as paint or wallpaper.

Taking off lacquer, no one does it quicker
I can remove lacquer from surfaces more efficiently and faster than anyone else would.

I'm so handy, you already know
It should be obvious to you that I am skilled in fixing and remodeling issues.

I'll beat all price quotes, my hourly rates are low
I am willing to negotiate or even offer lower hourly rates compared to other people in my field to secure your patronage.

I'm so handy, you should call this pro
I am the right person to engage for all of your construction and remodeling concerns.

I'm in the phone book and se habla Español
As an additional benefit, I can be employed for my services by Spanish-speaking people, and you can find my contact details in the area's phone directory.