The Illinois Enema Bandit
Frank Zappa Lyrics

"this is a true story About a famous criminal From right around chicago This is the story of michael kenyon A man who's serving time at this very moment For the crime of armed robbery "
Don Pardo is introducing the true story of Michael Kenyon, a criminal from Chicago who is currently in jail for armed robbery. He became famous because of the enemas he gave to his female victims during the robbery when no law existed against it.

"The illinois enema bandit I heard he's on the loose I heard he's on the loose Lord, the pitiful screams Of all them college-educated women... Boy, he'd just be tyin' 'em up (they'd be all bound down!) Just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla The illinois enema bandit juice He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag Fulla the illinois enema bandit juice He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag Fulla the illinois enema bandit juice "
The song talks about the screams of the college-educated women who were his victims. He would tie them up and administer an enema full of the 'Illinois enema bandit juice' which he carried in a rubberized bag with a hose.

"The illinois enema bandit I heard it on the news I heard it on the news Bloomington illinois...he has caused some alarm Just sneakin' around there From farm to farm Got a rubberized bag And a hose on his arm Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump That he just might wanna pump Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump That he just might wanna pump Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump That he just might wanna pump "
The news of the Illinois enema bandit has caused alarm in Bloomington, Illinois. He is sneaking around from farm to farm with his rubberized bag and hose, looking for college girls' backsides to administer his enemas to.

"The illinois enema bandit One day he'll have to pay One day he'll have to pay The police will say, "you're under arrest!" And the judge would have him for a special guest The d.a. will order a secret test And stuff his pudgy little thumbs in the side of his vest Then they'll put out a call for the jury folks And the judge would say, "no poo-poo jokes!" Then they'll drag in the bandit for all to see, Sayin' "don't nobody have no sympathy... Hot soap water in the first degree!" And then the bandit might say, "why is everybody looking' at me? " "
The song talks about how the Illinois enema bandit will pay for his crimes one day. The police will arrest him, and the judge will order a secret test on him. The district attorney will put his thumbs in the vest and call the jury. The judge will then say no jokes after which the Judge pronounces him guilty and sentences him. The Bandit will resist arrest and ask why everyone is looking at him.

"Well did you cause this misery? Well did you cause this kinda misery? Well did you cause this misery? Now, one girl shout: "let the bandit be!" "
The girls shout if he is the cause of the misery they have been subjected to, and one of them asks to let the bandit be.

"Bandit are you guilty? Bandit are you guilty? tell me now, what's Your plea? Another girl shout: "let the fiend go free!" Are you guilty? bandit, did you do these deeds? The bandit say, "it must be just what they all needs..." "it must be just what they all needs..." "it must be just what they all needs..." "it must be just what they all needs..." "it must be just what they all needs..." "it must be just what they all needs..." Etc. repeat "
The girls question the Bandit if he is guilty and demands he reveal his plea. Another girl asks to let him go free. The bandit repeatedly says that what he did is what they all need, implying that this kind of treatment is necessary.

"Wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna enema Enema Repeat...",
The song ends by repeatedly saying Wanna, Wanna, wanting an enema, emphasizing the focus on enema and suggesting that the idea of enema is tempting.