I've Got a Monster
Ivor Biggun Lyrics

'Erm Doreen, I've got a confession to make. I'm not like ordinary boys
I have a strange condition to confess. I am different from other males.

Oh Ivor, I know you're not like ordinary boys, you're about thirty years older than most of them for a start
I recognize that you are unique since you are much older than other boys.

"No Doreen, I've got a strange peculiarity. Every time the moon is full I... scn*@!!rgggh"
My oddity is that whenever there is a full moon, I experience something unmentionable.

Oooh yeah you're right, you're not like ordinary boys...
Yes, I acknowledge that you are not a typical boy.

Well I'm Dr. Frankenstein
I'm Dr. Frankenstein.

And I've got a monster
I possess a monster.

And I'll show you this monster of mine if anyone wants-ter
I will exhibit my monster to anyone who is interested.

It's a biggun, it's got wrinkly bits that dangle down to there
The monster that I have is colossal and has sagging and droopy portions.

It's pink and blue and purple and it's covered up with hair
The monster's coloration is a combination of pink, blue, and purple and is covered in hair.

If you meet it in the midnight hour you're gonna get a scare
If you encounter this monster in the middle of the night, you will experience fear.

And everything would be just fine
Everything would be okay.

If you had a monster like mine
If you had a monster similar to mine.

"Hello baby, how would you like to be filled with Dread? Judge this for size..."
Would you like to be horrified? Evaluate the size of this monster.

I'm Frankenstein's monster
I am Dr. Frankenstein's monster.

I'm custom designed
I am individually designed.

I've got a bolt through m' neck
There's a bolt in my neck.

And a screw on m' mind
My brain has a screw in it.

He made me out of fibre-glass
He created me with fiberglass.

And doner kebabs and conkers
He made me from kebabs and conkers.

Meccano, tripe and bits of pipe
He used Meccano, tripe, and pipe fragments.

And a couple of donkey's plonkers
Additionally, he utilized donkey testicles.

I think the Baron stitched me up
I believe the Baron put me together.

M' knob's a vacuum cleaner
My reproductive organ is a vacuum cleaner.

I gave a cough
I coughed.

M' balls dropped off
My testicles dislodged.

Just call me Frankensteina
Refer to me as Frankensteina.

"Blimey, this place is full of monsters and su(t)ch.."
This location is overflowing with monsters and similar creatures.

I'm Dracula, I'm most unsanitary
I am Dracula and unclean.

I'd rather suck than fornicate
I prefer to suck blood instead of partaking in sexual intercourse.

I dress like Bryan Ferry
My clothing style is comparable to Bryan Ferry's.

I drink the blood of virgins
I consume the blood of virgins.

I live in Notting Hill Gate
I reside in Notting Hill Gate.

I haven't had a decent meal
I have not had a satisfying meal.

Since nineteen fifty-eight
Since 1958.

They say I am a stupid count
I have been accused of being a foolish count.

I have a sucking force
I have a strong sucking ability.

At least that's what he thinks they say
That is what he thinks others are saying about me.

He could be wrong of course
However, he could be incorrect.

He's a friend of Dr. Frankenstein
He is an acquaintance of Dr. Frankenstein.

And he'll show you its disgusting design
He will exhibit the monster's repellent appearance.

If anyone wants-ter
If anyone wants to see it.

He'd love to suck your jugular
He would enjoy drinking your blood from your neck.

He's got no moral fibre
He lacks morals.

He's a nasty fly-by-night
He is a detestable and unreliable person.

A rhesus positive inbiber
He drinks rhesus positive blood.

And Peter Cushing's pushing
Peter Cushing is exerting himself.

Half a fence post up his khyber
He has a fence post partly inserted in his rear end.

The future looks pretty grim
The outlook seems bleak.

If you are a monster like him
If you resemble him as a monster.

We are hairy werewolves, when a bad moon's on the rise
We are werewolves with fur that grow during a full moon.

We all start looking like motorhead and our choppers increase in size
Our appearance is comparable to that of Motorhead and our teeth get larger.

And ever since we were in the cubs we've crept around in castles
Since we were young, we've sneaked around in castles.

And scratched for fleas and piddled on trees and sniffed each other's ars'oles
We scratch ourselves, urinate on trees, and smell each other's buttocks.

Red Riding Hood thinks we're dead good although we've got the mange
Red Riding Hood believes we're excellent, despite having mange.

She likes it doggy fashion, excuse me while I change
She prefers doggy style; I will alter my behavior.

"We're not scared of the Mummy's curse"
We are not frightened of the Mummy's curse.

"Well I know something ten times worse..."
I am aware of something more terrible.

I'm a wanker
I am someone who masturbates.