Merry Christmas From The Whole Fam Damily
Cledus T. Judd Lyrics

Twas the fight before Christmas
It was the night before Christmas and tensions were high

When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except for the family members fighting

No furniture left standing, no TV or couch
The family had destroyed all of the furniture in the room during the fight

Our aquarium, heck they even knocked over my Chia Pet
Even the family's pets and decorations were not spared from the chaos of the fight

MeMaw was flung 'cross the room by her hair
One family member violently attacked another, resulting in an elderly family member being thrown across the room by her hair

By her sister Ethel who never fought fair
The attacker had a reputation for fighting dirty and unfair

The children all wrestled and jumped off the beds
Even the children got involved in the fight, jumping off of beds to attack each other

Dropping elbows and knees on each other's heads
The children used physical attacks on each other, including using their elbows and knees

And mamaw with her frying pan and pa with his bat
The grandparents used household items as weapons during the fight

Cleared half the room in ten seconds flat
The grandparents quickly and effectively cleared out a large portion of the room using their improvised weapons

The whole brawl began from an innocent matter
The family fight started from a small disagreement that quickly escalated into violence and chaos

When aunt Flo thought Eugene said "she looks a whole lot fatter"
One family member misheard another and thought they were being insulted, leading to the starting point of the fight

She knocked him through the window he fell with a crash
One family member violently attacked another, sending them crashing through a window

Tore down the gutters and busted his leg really bad
The person who fell through the window sustained serious injuries as a result of the fall

You ought to have saw it
It was truly a sight to behold, or rather, one that nobody wants to see

It looked like he'd been in a motorcycle wreck
The fall through the window caused injuries so severe that it looked like he had been in a motorcycle accident

No kiddin'
This is not a joke or an exaggeration, it really did happen

You see both sides of our family have never gotten along
There has always been a history of bad blood between different branches of this family

And every holiday something always go wrong
It is a tradition in this family for things to go wrong during holiday celebrations

You ain't supposed to fight but spread joy in this season
The true spirit of the holiday season is meant to bring people together in joy and celebration, not in violence

But when they get the nog they just look for a reason
The family members become intoxicated and aggressive, looking for any excuse to start a fight

In no time at all everybody joined in
Once the first fight broke out, other family members quickly joined in without hesitation

And right there we squared off with our closest of kin
Even the family members who are normally the closest were fighting each other without reservation

It's a time for givin' said uncle bill
One family member tried to remind everyone that this holiday is meant for giving, not for fighting

As he gave a black eye to his brother-in-law phil
At the same time as he was espousing about the importance of giving, this family member physically attacked another

I heard somebody say "it's the thought that counts
Another family member tried to remain optimistic and remind everyone that the true meaning of the holiday season is in the thought behind the gifts, not in the gifts themselves

And right now I'm thinking about knocking your butt out"
Immediately after expressing this sentiment, this family member threatened violence towards another member in the same breath

Presents and fists flew all over the room
The scene was one of utter chaos as items and people were flying all over the room

And nana had some fancy moves with the broom
The grandmother used a broom as a weapon and fought off multiple family members at once

She took out three cousins and knocked down the tree
The grandmother was so effective in her fighting that she even took down several cousins and knocked over the family Christmas tree

And I ducked just in time she swung out at me
The singer narrowly avoided getting hit by the grandmother's broom, which narrowly missed them as it swung past them

It's my favorite time of year
Despite the chaos and violence, the artist still loves this time of year and looks forward to it

Dad always has too much beer
The artist's father drinks heavily during family gatherings, which can sometimes lead to further fighting and bad behavior

Gets on the roof and hunts reindeer
The father engages in bizarre and dangerous behavior, such as climbing onto the roof and pretending to hunt reindeer

Merry Christmas from the whole fam damily
Despite all of the chaos and fighting, the family members still come together to wish each other a Merry Christmas

Tie the antlers on the dog
As part of their strange and often violent traditions, the family members even involve their pets in their holiday celebrations, such as by tying antlers onto the dog

Save some shine for Santa Claus
The family members even resort to drinking in excess during their celebrations, leaving some moonshine out for Santa Claus

From all the in-laws and outlaws
Even the more outlandish and eccentric members of the family wish the others a Merry Christmas

I crawled to the phone lord it seemed like a mile
After the fighting reached a fever pitch, the singer felt the need to call emergency services for help and crawled to the phone to do so

And called 9-1-1 which we keep on speed dial
The family is so used to violent outbursts that they keep the emergency services number on speed dial

In a matter of minutes out the window appeared
The emergency services arrived quickly and without hassle

Flashing blue lights and the sheriff John Deere
The sheriff who responded to the call arrived in a police cruiser with flashing blue lights

Just then six men burst through the door
To the family's surprise, a group of six additional men entered the room uninvited and unannounced

Some yelling "hey it's us" some "get on the floor"
The men were chaotic and hard to keep track of, some identifying themselves while others demanded that the family members get down on the floor

A stray punch from grandpa found the sheriff's chin
The fight between the family members and the new arrivals was so chaotic that even the sheriff got inadvertently punched in the chaos

And just for good measure he clocked him again
The grandfather, feeling emboldened by taking a shot at the sheriff, hit him again despite the sheriff being incapacitated

It took all 6 cops to get grandpa in cuffs
Grandpa kept fighting even after the police arrived and it required all six of them to subdue him and put him in handcuffs

You know he gets feisty when he runs out of snuff
Grandpa's strange and violent behavior seems to intensify when he is out of tobacco snuff

We all stopped our fighting and cheered grandpa on
Despite the intense fighting mere moments before, the family members were now cheering on grandpa's antics with the police officers

Heck I thought he could take them I guess I was wrong
The singer was rooting for grandpa in the fight with the police officers, but it was ultimately unsuccessful

As they dragged him outside he yelled "I've been framed"
Even after being subdued and handcuffed, grandpa continued to deny fault and claimed that he was being unfairly targeted

He was kicking and screaming and calling them names
Grandpa went down fighting, kicking and screaming and verbally abusing the police officers even as they took him away

"You (bleep) you (bleep)
Grandpa's language was so foul and profane that even the artist cannot repeat it accurately in the song lyrics

Let me go you (bleep)
In his rage and obstinacy, grandpa still tried to fight back against the officers even as they restrained him

You donut eatin stupid (bleep) son of a (bleep)"
Grandpa's insults towards the officers were creative, profane, and extremely foul

We stood on the porch as did all our neighbras
After the fight and police intervention, the family members stood on the porch exhausted and surrounded by curious neighbors

Who always took interest in our family's behavior
The neighbors had grown accustomed to the family's noisy and violent holiday celebrations and often took an interest in watching them

"mind your own business" we heard grandma shout
Even after the police intervention and embarrassment of the family, the grandmother was still fiercely protective of her family members

And "we'll take back the presents and then come bail you out"
Despite the violence and turmoil of the evening, the family remained united, with each member offering support in their own way

By now we'd forgotten what we were fighting for
The original reason for the fight had been lost in the long and violent battle that ensued

We were battered and bruised but united once more
Despite their injuries and strained relationships, the family members came together and were reconciled as the night ended

Then we all joined hands and sang "violent night"
As a tongue-in-cheek reference to the earlier violent fighting, the family members sang a modified version of a classic holiday carol

And we heard grandpa exclaim as they drove off out of sight:
Even as Grandpa was taken away by the police, his thoughts remained focused on the holiday season and his love for it

"Merry Christmas to all...man that was a good fight!!!!"
Grandpa's sense of humor remained intact, even after the night's events, as he declared the violent fight to be his idea of a good time during the holiday season.