Like a Lamb to the Slaughter
Frank Hayes Lyrics

"Matty Groves" is a great old traditional song, and a lot of people ask for it. The big problem with "Matty Groves" is, it's big. About four hundred and seventy verses. Fortunately, with a little creative editing, it can still be chopped down to a reasonable size ... ... say, talking blues?
Matty Groves is a long and popular traditional song that people often request, but it has too many verses. With some creative editing, it can be brought down to a reasonable length, such as a talking blues format.

One high, one holy holiday, on the first day of the year, Little Matty Groves to church did go, some holy words to hear. When in come old Lord Arnold's wife, and she looked at him and said, "Come here often? What's your sign?" And off they went to bed.
On a holy day, Matty Groves went to church to hear some holy words. However, Lord Arnold's wife interrupted and seduced him by asking if he comes here often and his astrological sign. They end up going to bed together.

Now old Lord Arnold he had a page, and when he saw what they had done, He said, "I'd better tell the boss!" and he began to run. He ran through the briars and he ran through the brambles, Ran through the bushes where a rabbit couldn't go, Ran so fast that the hounds couldn't catch him, Down the Mississippi to the -- You get the idea.
Lord Arnold had a servant who witnessed his wife and Matty together. He decided he needed to tell his boss, and he ran through difficult terrain so fast that no one, not even the hounds, could catch him. The rest is left unsaid.

Next morning the happy lovers awoke, Took one look at who was standing at the foot of the bed, And said, "Ohhhhhhhhh, shit."
The next morning, Matty and Lord Arnold's wife woke up and were surprised to see Lord Arnold standing at the foot of the bed. They both express surprise and alarm.

"Rrrise oop, rrrise oop noo, Matty Grrroves, put yuir clo'es on quick's ye can, Ne'er let it be said that in a' Scotland I slew a naked man! And ye shall have the be'er sworrrd, and I shall have the worrrst, And I shall strrrike the second blow, for ye shall strike the firrrst!"
Lord Arnold challenges Matty to a duel, insisting he quickly put his clothes on so that he does not kill him while he's naked. He also oddly exclaims that he will use the worst sword and strike second.

Now the first blow little Matty struck, it hurt Lord Arnold sore; The second blow Lord Arnold struck, little Matty stood no more. Lord Arnold felt about himself, to see where he'd been cut: He looked, and found to his surprise he'd lost his ... you-know-what. And he said "Ooohhhh shit!"
Matty struck the first blow and hurt Lord Arnold, while the second blow from Lord Arnold caused Matty to lose the fight. Lord Arnold was surprised to find that he had lost his genitalia, exclaiming in consternation.

Now if he hadn't let Matty Groves strike first he'd never have lost his dong, And if she hadn't let the pageboy know you'd never have heard this song. And now they sit at home a lot, becoming nervous wrecks, Which goes to show discretion is the better part of sex.
The song concludes with the moral that if Lord Arnold had struck first, he would not have lost his genitalia, and if his wife had not told the servant, we would not have heard of this story. They now live in seclusion due to their actions, proving the importance of discretion in sexual affairs.

Moral of this story? Be good. If you can't be good, be careful. And if you can't be careful -- try and keep it down to five or six verses, huh?
The overall lesson of the song is to be good, but if you can't, be careful. If you can't be careful, at least try to keep the story short to prevent any further consequences.